Can't Get out of This Realm (possible trigger)

[wreckage]

Hello again people,. I have been in this fantasy realm for as long as I remeber. I am in a very submissive zone/area/position in terms of being with a man. This is the fantasy that I masturbate to regularly. I also have fantasies that are submissive in nature with women

I feel such same. This has been happening since right after my abuse. At first, before i realized the abuse, I was dumbfounded and just did it. Now that i have awareness, I feel shame and in life- disconnected-like if anyone knew the shit I do and have done then...I don;t know what they would do 9something like disgust and pariah).

I fel as if i am going through the motions in life and have approximateed where i am in terms of identity.

I try to remember what I was like before the abuse and there are real memories there but nothing solid. Feel like shit and not in the moment.

Sorry for the rambling but nowhere else can I do this. Sugesstions and feedback please!

 

[Strangeways]

Hi @wreckage, sorry things are so tough for you right now. Are you currently in therapy?

 

[F.A.]

Feel your pain, you are safe to share without judgment from us we all have our own demons. I'll I can say is therapy to deal with the stuff that makes you have shame. You didn't choose what happen and it wasn't your fault but you can make peace with your life with some good work.

 

[wreckage]

Hi @wreckage, sorry things are so tough for you right now. Are you currently in therapy?

Yes I am.

 

[Jacob S]

You don't need to feel shame. Feel proud that you have survived so far. The desires you have, you didn't ask for. You don't have to feel bad for having them. I hope you can come to a place where you can explore them without judging yourself. Learning to understand them is more important than judging them. Mindfulness meditation has helped me be kinder to myself. I hope you can find something like that.

 

[wreckage]

I might be starting Tai Chi soon. Thanks.

 

[SmartShadow]

I might be starting Tai Chi soon. Thanks.

very nice
keep trying new things
i have found this type of thing very helpful

 

[F.A.]

If you just think of the wild dreams our mind can make up then the fantasies are not a surprise and I'm sure a coping mechanism for the abuse to make it seem not that bad but enjoyable and fun. I know I have masked the ugly size of the abuse with the fantasy of it being fun and enjoyable I have erotized the abuse.

 

[wreckage]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Visitor]

You're definitely not alone in believing that if folks knew what you were doing with your distorted sexuality that they'd judge you. Becoming sexualized as a young person will take us to some harrowing places that can surprise even us as we wander down these darkened lanes. It is a great comfort to begin understanding that these behaviors existed only because we needed to manage our confusion and fear. I've begun to accept that what I've called fear was really terror. That I ran away from that into the powerful distraction offered by sexual arousal isn't surprising. So as many on this website keep encouraging me and others, I try to have compassion for myself in EVERYTHING I've done to survive. Healing is stepping beyond these behaviors which so often produced shame to find a more life-affirmed way of caring for ourselves. Therapy, spiritual practice, reaching out for support, learning to care for our bodies... all work together as we heal. All the best to you on your journey of taking back your aliveness.

 

[NC-Survivor]

many of us here have ended up "sexualizing" our abuse, not really realizing it. I certainly have (see "Current Struggles" from my signature line). This does not be to define you. with Therapy, you can move past this and redefine your sexuality and your "desires".

 

[MACH123]

This is really good. "I eroticized my abuse." I've never heard that. I never really thought about anything else.

They've all been yelling at me for years (the women lol) but I'm like "if you can think about anything else but sex im so happy for you." Then they go "but you can think about other things too." I just laugh at them.

Besides, women do the exact same things in different ways. Usually if they say "stop thinking about sex" I say "I will if you stop thinking about food."