Cannot stop.

Cannot stop.
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Someone on the chat line last night asked me, "How did you turn it around?" Meaning: How did you get to a place where I'm healing?

I didn't know how to answer that. One the one hand, thanks to you guys and my therapist, I do feel I've come a long way from where I was three weeks ago. I handle the flashbacks, negative emotions, etc., better. I am in a more comfortable zone than I was, and I'm taking responsability for working through my recovery.

On the other hand, I sometimes wonder if I'm just afraid of backsliding. Am I doing all this work, plus reaching out to other people (trying to help them) to simply avoid going back to the "dark place" I was?

Sometimes I feel like I have come a long way. Them I read or hear about a child being abused or killed and it all comes back to me, including rage (RAGE, as in I'd gladly blow any m**********r who would EVER think of hurting a child away if I had a gun and the knowledge).

Thoughts?

Thanks brothers. And peace.

Scot
 
Scot,

Whenever I see a child in distress... it doesnt matter... angry arguing parents, bitter and pissed off at the world... I cannot help to think how alone that child must feel and it hurts me... no it doesnt hurt me... it touches me... deep down inside where no one else sees, where no one else knows that I exist. It's so hard for me to hold back my emotions when I see children that I KNOW, deep down in my heart, need attention, children that need to be reassured that they're okay and they don't have to worry, children that need to be told that someone loves them and someone is proud of them no matter what has happened.

I can't help it... it's a part of me. And I'm sorry to admit... but I'm afraid of it. I'm still afraid of myself, but someday... someday I will find my courage.

Josh
 
Sometime I wonder if I am at the point of healing. I know that I am more aware of what is happening, and what has happened. I know that I am working on dealing of all this. But do I feel 'healed' or 'healing'? I do not know that physically or in my mind and soul, that I feel improved. Well, sometime I do, usually I do not. But I am trying, and maybe just trying is something like healing. I hope so.

leosha
 
FIrst of all, I am very happy for how far you have come, that you have gotten to a point of some healing.

Sometimes I wonder if true healing is ever possible, I mean I know it is, but right now I don't think I have gotten to a point of any healing. But I try everyday, I try to fight through it all, and all my friends online, have helped me more than anything, even more than any therapy, because they understand more since they have suffered too. BUt I think that just trying is healing in a way, if we didn't try than we would be lost, so perhaps just trying is a place of healing?

Scott
 
There is, I think, something unique in all of us who have suffered from SA. We are care givers. This theme seems to repeat itself over and over again.

In my case it is so true. And yes I do it to help keep me from slipping back into the slimy pit. My problem is that if I cannot be of any assistance to someone or they go on in their self destructive ways I feel totally helpless and worthless. And that brings on all the other shit. I have to remember that it is impossible for me to save the world. But what I can do is be a part of MaleSurvivor and together we can, do and will make a difference. The power of the collective is clearly in evidence here.
 
Hey guys - if we ever hear of another child or teen being abused and DON'T GET PISSED OFF!!!!!! I believe we've lost our sense of empathy. It isn't a matter that getting angry is a backslide, it is the anger that this crap still happens way toooo much. There are still times when I hear a kid disclose his abuse that it may take several hours to calm myself inside...but my anger doesn't help me nor him if it's out of control...it is just the disgust of what people would do to people! It is normal and we have a special insight to that abuse and what it feels like. Don't ever apologize for those feelings.

The more you are in touch with your feelings, the more healing is available for you! Even if you take two steps back, with feeling your emotions the road is then clear to proceed a long way.

Howard
 
Scot

i think you have come a long way. healing is an emotional thing...a roller coaster even. i know i find myself back sliding often, but you eventually start climbing back up that hill. what you are doing to reach out to others who are hurting is a great thing. take pride in it .....you are full of strength to be able to mentor to and help others. i applaud you for that.

seeing children in trouble hits everyone hard i think. maybe since us guys have been abused ourselves, we know first hand what that child feels like and we take it harder. my heart breaks everytime i see a child in an abusive situation. i work at a day treatment center for mentally challenged young adults. i see lots of guys who come in there who have been sexually or physically abused and it makes me physically sick. hurting anyone in any way is disgusting, inhuman. i know exactly how you feel. don't give up, you are a survivor and an inspiration

Kip
 
We, who post here, seldom seem to know how much we have to offer to another victim. I am thinking of the victim who has not yet broken the silence, except to one of us. Lets look at it:
--we have survived the horrid trauma
--we have sought help
--we have broken the silence in a big way
--we have asked for help
--we have shared our experience--good or bad
--many of us have gone for professional help
--we have sometimes told our spouses and partners
--we have sometimes exposed our perp in a public way
--we have come here and read, posted, referred folks etc.
--we have----add your own thoughts.

I think that it is correct to say that the first time we came here and posted or responded to a post, we had taken an enormous step, a heroic step, and we are clearly on our way to a better life.

I forget that sometimes, and get down on myself and tell myself that I am very limited and, and, and.
It is just nuts. This is the website for extraordinarily manly men, with courage to spare, who are getting more whole by the minute--and frankly, are probably envied by other men who are not able to talk, trust, open up and share a whole range of emotions as we clearly are able to do.

So many thoughts come to my mind about making a national week or month focussed on males surviving sexual abuse. I think we forget how much we have to offer the men who still suffer in silence and fear.

Bob
 
I think recovery is such a roller coaster that sometimes it's hard to step back and see the big picture. I know for me, I am sometimes so terrified of sliding back into depression and self-destructive behaviors, that I beat myself up when I slip a little. If possible, I try to keep perspective... tell myself, "Well, this time I only stayed in a depressed state for a few days instead of a few weeks."

As far as the rage, I think it is easy to be angry at the abuse of others and not at the abuse of ourselves. I know for me that is a common problem... I want to jump in and fight for my friends, my girlfriend... but for me, I can't feel the same outrage. Especially about the abuse. I ususally think, "Well, I asked for it... if I had just (insert anything here) it wouldn't have happened."

-Sean
 
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