Cannot deal with this anymore (STRONG TRIGGERS!)

Cannot deal with this anymore (STRONG TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
A person who has become a friend told me he wants it to be more. Should be great news, right? Well, it's triggered me. Always, abything triggers me lately.

I don't know what I want from a relationshp. I want sex. Sex scares me. I want emotional intimacy. I cannot trust anybody. I want things to get better. Things go back downhill.

Why is it that I'm allowed to stop the downward spiral and start climbing out of the hole, only to have life throw a noose around my neck and kick the ladder out from under me? Am I to blame for this? Do I WANT this?

Dammit, I feel like a drama queen and I feel like I'm becoming a terminal downer on the site. But God, there doesn;t seem to be any Goddamn relief, or better still, the relief is short f**king lived and I'm back at the bottom.

It takes so much energy to get through the day that I have nothing left at tthe end of it. I feel like I'm failing my friends and failing myself and there ins't an end. I'm being teased every time I feel like I've turned a corner because I'm back at the f**king bottom again!

I cannot live like this anymore. I can't deal with this anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up and I'm afraid I'm very close. I was feeling okay yesterday and I'm back at the bottom again. If this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, then Dammit, my abuser has already f**king won. The world has f**king won because it's shown me the sham that my beliefs actually are.

There is no hope. None. There never was any.

Dammit, I want it to END! I WANT MY F**KING LIFE! I WANT TO BE F**KING HAPPY AND HAVE IT LAST FOR LONGER THAN A F**KING HOUR! I'M SO F**KING TIRED OF THE WAY I'M LIVING NOW THAT THE END IS A VIABLE OPTION THAT I'M NOT F**KING AFRAID OF ANYMORE, AND THAT MAKES ME A F**KING HYPOCRITE!

A hypocrite at the end of his rope. But I can't help it anymore.

Scot
 
Scot,

Take deep breaths for a second, and get your mind on the bright things in life. I wish I were in a stronger place now. Perhaps, I could be of more help.

I have to believe that it gets better, that there is some point out there where a person breaks out of the cycle you describe. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel, full of happiness and fulfillment, otherwise this is all a pointless waste. I see some who have come out on the other side, and live good lives, so I have to believe that it is out there. We just have to figure out how to reach it, and how to stay there instead of slipping back.

Im sorry youre hurting, and hope you rise above it soon.

Take care,
Jeff
 
Scot,

I know that kind of feeling. I hope you feel better, and soon.

I can tell you one experience I had that helps me find hope. In December I went to a retreat organized by SIA. One of the events was a Saturday night session of "the Shame Game." It's something like musical chairs. One survivor stood in the middle of a circle of others who were seated. There was one less chair than persons. So the person in the middle asks about something true about themself, like "How many people here like me acted out?" or whatever they think to say. Everyone of the seated people who can say it's true for them has to move at least two seats away. Like little kids in musical chairs, it's a mad jumble, and one person is left standing to go into the center.

I had a few turns in the center, and it did me a world of good to see just how normal my reactions to abuse are, and how abnormal my childhood was.

It was really great fun. I told several people later that for the first time in my memory, the muscles of my face were sore from smiling and laughing so much when I had been clean and sober.

We played that game till after 1:00 a.m. Sunday, and I was the last person in the center. Some of these people had been working on their recovery for over a decade, or even longer. I asked, "Who here like me is sick and tired of recovery and abuse and victimization and survival and just wants it all to GO AWAY?"

Everyone moved from their seat.

My point is that even people far into recovery don't like having to do it. Like I say when I reply to someone's first post here, none of us would have chosen to need this place or one like it.

Despite all that, I learned that Saturday night, and still felt the reminders in my facial muscles the following Monday (!) that it is possible to have fun, real, clean, pure fun on the "journey of recovery." It's "of" and not "to" because based on the reactions I saw to that last "who here?" question, the work is never done. Yet now I realize that we can have fun even if we have to do this work.

Give yourself permission to let this stuff "go away" for a while, even just an hour or so. There are other parts of your life, and some of them are a lot more pleasant than wrestling full time with this crap. Don't neglect them.

HTH,

Joe
 
Scot,
You remind me of what I often go through. At times I feel like I have taken so many steps and then at times I feel as if I just fell back down the mountain side. One thing I try to help myself look at and continue thinking about is there are some days that I take 3 steps forward, and some days where I take two steps backwards. However at the end of the day, I am still one step ahead.

I do agree that it isn't easy but I know that things do get better.

Hang in there... you can make it! Keep your focus on the steps you have taken and just put a pillow under yourself when you fall back.

Don
 
Scot,
all to often it seems like i am there too. I'm having almost the same conversation with myself lately...it gets so bloody tiring just trying to keep up. Everything feels heavier, I just want to go fetal position and stop the madness.
But we can't. We have to struggle on, b/c we are the survivors, and others need us. I was fortunate to "stumble" upon this site just when I needed it most. How many others come to this site in the same way.
There is great value in reading about the struggle of others b/c it often speaks to my own experience.
So when I read about your struggle Scot, I see that another man went through what i'm going through and it does give some small measutre of hope.
Please hear me when i say, I wish to high heaven you never went through what you did, but you are helping others b/c of your honsety and courage to tell where you are at.
Hold on, when everything else says let go, hold on. I'm better able to hold on knowing that you other men are holding on as well.
Peace be with you Scot, and with the rest of us.
Printer
 
scot,
at times like this there is really nothing that can be said to take away the pain and anger in one's voice, except that your pain and rage is heard very clearly here and validated by every single one of us. it is times like this, when they happen to me, that i have to struggle ten times as hard to look up and try to glimpse that horizon i speak of so often. the promise is there, and as in your signature line, it is worth fighting for. i am here, scot, i am listening.
 
Scot
Joe's right -
My point is that even people far into recovery don't like having to do it. Like I say when I reply to someone's first post here, none of us would have chosen to need this place or one like it.
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It's hard work, and we often take a step back - even slip back :(
But when I slip back I see how crap my old life was, and I f******g hate it !
On balance, the crap far outweighs the hard work.

Dave
 
Scot,

Hang in there, the hope is there. I gets tough to see at times.

Something that didn't bother me yesterday will trigger me today. As I peel the layers of abuse of, another one shows. Each one of these has a different set of triggers.

I know what I want from a relationship, trouble is that I'm not ready to live up to my end of the bargain. Relationships talk communication, it's all about communication. Communicate you likes, dislikes, similarities, differences, feelings, dreams, hopes, this list goes on and on. Before you can openly communicate you must trust that person to communicate the real you to them. Therein lies a big problem, you must trust. Trust to have a realationship. Trust to have intimancy. You even have to trust that the red light will turn green.

It is a kick in the gut and head when we extend some trust, even guarded trust, and we get kicked by the break in that trust. Wiether it be accidential or purposeful. Makes the next time harder. The years of being kicked in the gut and head, have run a toll on our ability to trust again.

I think I have found the door to that trust, now is time to take the step through. When deciding to extend the arm of trust, ignore the past. Look at each and everybody that is being considered for trust and judge them on their own merits. If they meet the requirements you have set up, trust them. If not, don't. Trust your insticts, not your fears.

Be good to yourself, be true to yourself, and you will never ever let anybody down. Even when you have a bad day.

We all fall sometime, the trick is to get right back up. Brush the dust off ourselves. And head forward. Use the rest areas along the path, have fun and enjoy things, if not for only a little bit. A good laugh goes a long way.

That f**king perp hasn't won and won't as long as you keep going forward and don't give into his demented thoughts.

There is hope, it is lying right there in front of you to grab hold of.

Take care of yourself, be true to yourself and you will have YOUR life, YOUR happiness, YOUR security, and YOUR perps life and happiness in your hands.

Bill
 
Some times it is at the lowest point that you can find things in your self that are stronger then you would find any other time. Through pain and strife happyness is only found after sacrifice,loss, and pain. I think that if you are at what you consider a bottom then it is now that you might find the strongest things yet inside your self. Now I am not you so I can't pick those things out for you, that is something only you can do. But remeber those people who have came this far arnt the weak ones. It is apparent that you have somthing in you that keeps you moving along so if you can find that and make sure you never loose it then you might see a drastic change in mood.
 
The only thing that has been keeping me from doing something REALLY stupid is the fact that I would be hurting people who care about me. No matter how many times I'd say, "it's not you, it's me and all the people who hurt me. Not you," they'd never believe it and always wonder if there was something more they could have done.

Much like I feel with Jay.

The other thing that keeps me going are the students and other people I help during the day. My therapist told me that I have SUCH a God complex at times. Yes, I feel like I make a difference, but I want to do MORE, and when I fail (in my views), I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing.

All the good things, I have, and all I see is pain, and I cannot help it.

The yoyoing of my emotions is wearing a little f**king thin. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it and I'm afraid. I'm really afraid. I've tried suicide before, and I've always thought I'd never sink that low again. But I am reaching that point.

I'm hanging on by my fingernails, and I'm worried about what happens when the good things aren't enough.

I'm scared.

Scot
 
Scot
The yoyoing of my emotions is wearing a little f**king thin. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it and I'm afraid. I'm really afraid. I've tried suicide before, and I've always thought I'd never sink that low again. But I am reaching that point.
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I have tried it to Scot. Once when I thought I had suceeded and was dying I never wanted to live more than I did right then. I was a lousy shot thank god.

Now you say you are running out of energy. Why!

The other thing that keeps me going are the students and other people I help during the day. My therapist told me that I have SUCH a God complex at times. Yes, I feel like I make a difference, but I want to do MORE, and when I fail (in my views), I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing.
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Scot we are caregivers and always set ourselves up to fail because that is how we feel about ourselves. We are no good. You are not alone in feeling this. Read that last comment of yours again. It is so true of all of us.

What we fail to realize is that you cannot help everybody just like there are some people who cannot help us. It is not their fault nor by the same token is it ours. That is what I mean by setting ourselves up to fail.

I was just like you. I have learned that before I can help others I have to help myself first and foremost because if I do not I will say "It was an accident" if I suceed in helping someone else or "Ime no good" if I cannot . Either way it is lose lose.

So Scot concentrate more on yourself like I am. The road is rough but I dont know any other road to be on. And as you heal, if you are like me and I suspect you are, you will be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

I started doing a lot of stuff just for me and it is paying huge dividends.

PM me if you like
 
"The world is a beautiful place, and worth fighting for" I also believe the second part. At some point you did too. I'm guessing it must mean alot to you in order for you to put it at the bottom of your posts....

I read these little quotes from everyone, and I think it gives us a little bit of insite as to who we all are. Pos or Neg, up or down, happy or sad.....this is were we are at in our healing.

Yes, life is a f***ing battle that none of us here want to fight anymore, but IT IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!

don't give up the fight!!
 
Scot... for whatever reason, the human mind seems stuck on only seeing the negative and none of the positive. Perspective and acceptance are hard to come by, especially related to feelings about yourself.

Maybe try writing a list of all of the ways you have helped people. Screw the list of your perceived failures. Just focus on your victories.

I have been to where you are so many times, I've lost count. I'm here if you need me.

-Sean
 
I guess I'm just tired. Tired of being the dependable one at work, tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not, just plain sick of pretending to be f**king normal.

I WANT to be normal, but I don't FEEL that way. I'm so SICK of being on a downward spiral and yoyoing emotionally. JUST PLAIN SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!

Sorry, I'm plain sick of being this way and I want out. But there's no way out for me.

Scot
 
Scot,

I know the feelings you describe soooooo well. The only thing that got me through was regular dinners with my friends when we lived in the dorms. It was something that I enjoyed, and it was enough make things seem not quite so bad for a little while. It usually didn't last, but it was enough for me to be willing to try another day.

Find something that you enjoy doing and do it. Even if it only gives you enough energy fight until tomorrow.

I wish had better advice or was better able to articulate it.

Hang in there man. We're all pulling for you.

-Eric
 
The only way things change is when you change something if the path you walk on now isn't working make a small change, nothing drastic just something small to experiment with diffent ways to go about your day, in doing this you might find somthing that works for you better. But staying where you are now might just result in you only feeling the way you do now. I hate to be blunt but only 1 person can fix things. and I think it go's with out sayin who that person is. Its the harsh reality of the world, if we want something done we have to do it. but I honestly belive you have it in you to change however you need to. I hope u take these words into account.
 
Scot,

it sounds simple, I know, even to me. But the only way out is through. Anything else, you do not do anything justice to yourself. If it is only to not hurt others, that you stay with this, then that will have to do for now. One day, it will be that you know YOU deserve better. But I know that it was a promise to someone here that keep me going last week. Use what you can to be safe. I sent you a mail. Take good care.

Leosha
 
Scot,

Oh man, can I feel your pain! So many times before I have been so sick and tired, so deathly (word choice very deliberate) tired of going through the motions. Feeling like I had nothing of value to offer anyone. Feeling the complete hypocrite. Wanting to be happy for even just one hour, but knowing it would never happen. What's worse, I knew I didn't deserve happiness, I didn't deserve relief from all this pain. Knowing that whatever Creator made this universe was interested in anyone and everyone else but me.

I even tried the suicide route. I say I tried, because it sure didn't work. So then I got to call myself a coward and an incompetent clod. That is, until I had what could only be a mystical experience - which I hate, I AM NOT A MYSTIC! I was shown that the suicide didn't succeed because it was not my time and not my right to take my own life.

Why am I telling this? Because, despite that experience, I still have the same emotions and the same thoughts. I still struggle and I have no answers. And I get FSCKING tired of it all. Scot, you do make a difference. What you have posted has helped me - a lot. The only words I have are the same words I have for myself : I don't know why I have to keep on surviving in the face of all the emotional crap, but I just know I have to. I have to grit my teeth and push on. I WILL NOT LET THE ABUSER WIN. (And that pep talk was for me as much as anyone. :) )

Keep the faith, Scot. If you find any comfort in this, I am glad. If you find any comfort in this, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tom
 
Hey Scot! Recovering from sexual abuse DOES SUCK!!!! But I believe it is worth the fight to get the REAL you back!! One thing I use are sayings to keep me stable (I have ADD and I don't remember great passages - just quick phrases as reminders). One that I use when my feelings are beating me up is: Tell me what you can do, NOT what you can't! Even if I have one or two things positive I can do..."think on these things".

I'll share something I found with my own experiences. When my feelings take over, I exclude my rational thinking and stop DOING. There is an inbalance in my life. Feelings - thoughts and actions need to be in balance. If I do and do and do, I need to stop and find out what am I running from (avoid feelings? fleeing my thoughts ?). Most of us get really crazy when we let our balanced life get skewed. I hope it makes sense for you because I know it works for me!!

Keep your balance, Scot!!

Howard
 
Out of the mouths of the young folk (and I mean that in a nice, positive way, Keith! :p :D ). The fact of the matter is that there is one person who can help me out of this funk and that's me. Altho you guys have all contributed to that.

I'm still pretty shaky and I probably will fall again, but you guys have told me, taught me, what I've always believed. There is NOTHING worthless in fighting for yourself. And this fight is ALWAYS worth the results!

I'm sorry I forgot that. I may need to be reminded from time to time, but you guys are right (and so's my quote), it IS worth fighting for!

So thanks, brother Keith, Leo, Sean, Rik, David, Dan, Leo, Mike, Lloydy, too Goddamn many, so if I didn't mention y'all (and sisters PAS, Jenesha (sorry if I blew the spelling), and Lynn (and again, too Goddamn many to list!)), it wasn't because you aren't valueable, it's just that there are too many of you who lifted me up. The honor roll is TOO huge! (Thanks, printer, for the idea I blatently stole from you. :D )

Again, I may forget from time to time, but I owe you all, and if I've helped you a tenth as much as you've helped me, well then I've done good things too.

Thanks again for everything.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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