Cancelled Xmas but it's not going away
I've told my family that I won't be coming to any of the holiday events and that I won't be getting them any presents and really don't want any from anyone. There aren't any children in my small family - one Aunt/Uncle, 5 cousins all adults, so no thrilled, excited, happy little faces running
around to make it bearable.
Last year I tried to do the social thing and be the good son/sibling/relative. It didn't work at all. I picked up my mother, drove to her sister's for the traditional Xmas day together with everyone, and I couldn't stay or even go in the house. That, in combination with early sobriety...
I was way stressed out and depressed afterwards for many months. My getting clean and staying that way has opened the door for my recovery to truly begin and it's getting harder... straying from my point...
This year, the no stress from dealing the the holiday shopping crowds is helping. It's taken me
this long to realize how meaningless and wasteful (unwanted presents, etc.) the season is. I do feel like a big weight has been lifted off me by just saying - Nope, this isn't ok for me to take part in the ritual anymore. Also, since just being with family was never a warm fuzzy thing anyway...
What little sense of spirituality I've developed just slips away in December, wierd huh?
So, I've taken care of one aspect of my life by cancelling family, so to speak, for December.
I've been aware over the years of some of the pain the abuse I went through caused me. Now, as "the
day" draws closer this year... the hurt and pain over the past grows and grows. My inner boy holds
my feelings about a lot of things, the abuse and neglect, and feelings of loss and grief. Xmas time
just makes it seem worse. He sort of knows, somehow, what he missed out on, not just at Xmas times but growing up in a dysfunctional family.
My two major coping techniques in my adult life have been isolation and depression (is depression a
coping technique?). This time of year I just feel like pulling a blanket over my head and waiting
for December to pass. On the MS links page to another site I found an interesting commentary on
depression https://www.vix.com/menmag/doyledep.htm.
I've been working really intensely with my T the past couple of months. Our focus has been
strengthening those parts within to be able to handle continuing my recovery work. Some of this is through EMDR, which is also intense and brings up too much sometimes. Another part of this
strengthing is to "nuture" myself; some of the time I don't understand what the word means, some of
the time I stamp my feet and say inside 'no no no, i just want a real daddy and mommy to take care
of me', the rest of the time I struggle to take care of myself. It seems all I can do is keep my
head above water, keeping my job is a priority, sobriety is also, the rest... well maybe I'm getting there but can't see the steps I am taking.
Grrrrr.... ain't it just great what the holiday season brings?
Nuturing. How do others here nuture themselves? Do you have to work at it? Make yourself do it?
How do you hug and hold and take care of your little boy within?
-jer
around to make it bearable.
Last year I tried to do the social thing and be the good son/sibling/relative. It didn't work at all. I picked up my mother, drove to her sister's for the traditional Xmas day together with everyone, and I couldn't stay or even go in the house. That, in combination with early sobriety...
I was way stressed out and depressed afterwards for many months. My getting clean and staying that way has opened the door for my recovery to truly begin and it's getting harder... straying from my point...
This year, the no stress from dealing the the holiday shopping crowds is helping. It's taken me
this long to realize how meaningless and wasteful (unwanted presents, etc.) the season is. I do feel like a big weight has been lifted off me by just saying - Nope, this isn't ok for me to take part in the ritual anymore. Also, since just being with family was never a warm fuzzy thing anyway...
What little sense of spirituality I've developed just slips away in December, wierd huh?
So, I've taken care of one aspect of my life by cancelling family, so to speak, for December.
I've been aware over the years of some of the pain the abuse I went through caused me. Now, as "the
day" draws closer this year... the hurt and pain over the past grows and grows. My inner boy holds
my feelings about a lot of things, the abuse and neglect, and feelings of loss and grief. Xmas time
just makes it seem worse. He sort of knows, somehow, what he missed out on, not just at Xmas times but growing up in a dysfunctional family.
My two major coping techniques in my adult life have been isolation and depression (is depression a
coping technique?). This time of year I just feel like pulling a blanket over my head and waiting
for December to pass. On the MS links page to another site I found an interesting commentary on
depression https://www.vix.com/menmag/doyledep.htm.
I've been working really intensely with my T the past couple of months. Our focus has been
strengthening those parts within to be able to handle continuing my recovery work. Some of this is through EMDR, which is also intense and brings up too much sometimes. Another part of this
strengthing is to "nuture" myself; some of the time I don't understand what the word means, some of
the time I stamp my feet and say inside 'no no no, i just want a real daddy and mommy to take care
of me', the rest of the time I struggle to take care of myself. It seems all I can do is keep my
head above water, keeping my job is a priority, sobriety is also, the rest... well maybe I'm getting there but can't see the steps I am taking.
Grrrrr.... ain't it just great what the holiday season brings?
Nuturing. How do others here nuture themselves? Do you have to work at it? Make yourself do it?
How do you hug and hold and take care of your little boy within?
-jer
