can we ever stop lying about the past?

can we ever stop lying about the past?
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
since i pulled myself off the line crew to protect the safety of the guys i work with ,they have been comming to me wanting to know why ,i'm in no shape to tell these guys the truth ,these are macho ,pole climbing cowboy type guys ,i don't think they would understand ,so i lie ,when do the lies ever end ?when i was in foster care i would be at a new school about every other month maybe 10 or so in 5 years ,at school i would lie about where i lived ,lie about being in foster care ,when you just show up in a new neighborhood people notice a new kid ,if the foster home had other kids there i would lie to them about why i was in foster care ,my usual story was my parents got killed in a car wreck . when people ask me now about my family i lie ,saying there dead usually works pretty well .i'm just so damn tired of having to lie about my past ,but most people don't react to the truth like the people on this site .i guess untill i can tell everyone the truth ,i'll never get rid of the shame i feel about my life . i think the last time i told the whole truth about my past before i came here was at my abusers trial and then they tried to make it look like i was lying! adam
 
Adam,

Here you can tell the truth, Telling thr truth here is good practice for telling the truth in the real world. Keep coming here and telling the truth and you will gain the courage needed to be able to tell the truth everywhere.

Just my thooughts

Hang in there my friend and remember you are loved

Darrel
 
Your right, you can't tell people the truth about this, not most people. Do I tell my boss why it is I'm messing up alot lately? Nope.

With the awareness that CSA is getting thanks to the Church abuse scandal (the silver lining if you will), maybe someday we won't have to lie.

I hope to see it in my lifetime.
 
I would tell them "I need a break" and "I'm simply tired of doing this right now". Your reasons are your own.

I've disclosed to a brother and a couple people before I met all you you good people here. I don't mind lying for convienince to co-workers, etc. The only trouble with lies is that you have to keep track of them, otherwise you get caught, then you really look bad.

I wouldn't be discouraged about your situation though because, once you get going downslope on the hill of recovery, I would venture to say that you will then be able to stay focused and do your work with a steady mind. (Of course, I'm trusting the words of many people here when I say that, because I have yet to reach that downhill slope myself).
 
Most people don't want to accept sexual abuse happens, and so they make judgements. One of my friends told me that maybe the abuse was a good thing and helped me to become the person he's grown to know and love. He's a well intentioned guy, but he's telling me my being abused was possibly good for my development. Its his judgements that prevented him from hearing the hurtful things he was saying. I agree with you that its sad that this site feels like one of the only places you can really speak up. I also think that there are people in the community that do live with their heart and do want to hear your story. As painful as it is for people to hear, if they really listen they can hear the hope that often comes through here. I guess you just can't force it on an unreceptive audience. I try to not judge people for not being able to listen to any of this, but its tough, and my jusgements say they're blissfully ignorant.
 
Adam,

I think this is an excellent question to bring up in a session with your T.

I think as time passes you will begin to gain the wisdom necessary to speak your truth in the right place and right time.

Not everyone needs to know these things about you. People you get closer to may at some point need or want to know some of your history and it is at that point you will have to make a decision if they are "safe" to talk to. That can be a big deal, I know, but I have found that it can bring a level of understanding and friendship with them that was not possible before.

On the otherhand It may be information they are not ready to, or don't want to hear, and they may have a problem with it. If that turns out to be the case, you probably didn't need them as a friend anyhow.

I think also as you grow and learn about these things, you will begin to understand how to answer the questions people ask in a truthful way, without really opening your self up to vulnerability.

The important thing here in my opinion, Adam, is to be truthful with yourself.

Lots of love,

John
 
Adam,

I think John is right. It is about the right time and place. For a while I did not tell anyone. Then as I have progressed thru my recovery and healed some that just started changing. Part of my own process (I felt it was necessary for me and right for me) was to begin telling people as the opportunity arose. I felt that by doing this, I would stop denying it, hiding from it and essentially stop giving it so much power.

It is not something I volunteer. I will give you an example. I have a chair in my bedroom that I used to get my suppressed agression and anger out. The chair it torn up and I have not moved it out of my room yet. As I give people a tour of my house that ask about it and I tell them what is behind it. I do not go into details but I do tell them. I am often asked why I am single by guys in this bar that I go to. Most of them I tell them I have been dealing with some emotional issues that I need to take care of. If they ask me what they are then I tell them.

But it is really about timing and what you feel comfortable with.

Maybe you just tell them that you are dealing with some childhood trauma and leave it at that. That may be an option. The likely hood that these guys will ask for further details is minimal I would guess.

Take care man.
 
Adam - I never told anyone ever for over 3 decades. The first time I told anyone, I was at a stag night with several female strippers performing. At the end of the night, I went to the toilet & when I came back, one of my friends told me they had got some money together for me to go on stage with the strippers. I just blew it & went outside. I'd just freaked and got everything completely wrong - they were only going to pay for me to have my photograph taken standing next to them on stage.

I then for the first time ever explained that I had been abused (to 3 friends that had no idea).

They were absolutely gobsmacked, but have all remained supportive ever since.

The next day, do you know who turned up at my house to check that I was OK? The one that plays football, golf and fishes etc, etc.

You may find that people are more understanding than you think. I ended up calming my friends down!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Adam, First of all, I don't consider it to be lying. Just because you choose not to share a part of your life doesn't mean that you're lying about it. There is no shame in not sharing something with someone who simply won't understand it, or before you feel ready and capable of sharing it. There is no shame in your life at all....none. You took yourself off the line crew because you didn't want to be on the crew unless you were at your absolute best. Hopefully, they would have done the same for you.
How about something like, "You know, I just haven't been feeling 100% lately and I don't want to be up there unless I am." Ain't a lie, and this stuff does affect us physically as well as mentally, that's for sure.

I have been going through that: If I don't tell everyone everything, I'm dishonest thing myself. Some days I feel like I should wear a big ole sweatshirt that says on the front:

Abused
Bi-Polar
PTSD
Gay

On the back it would say: So, Fuck Off!

Think we have a little anger problem to work on?

So I have been literally telling myself daily: "They don't need to know everything about you. You don't know everything about them. It's just fine that you don't tell them things. Honesty does not mean laying yourself open to people. It's your right to share or not to share."

It's worked a little bit, but I still come back with the ole: "Yeah, but how can I ever be free of all this stuff, if I'm ashamed of who I really am?" I guess I'm struggling with the difference btween being proud of who I am and putting up a billboard beside the freeway. I don't quite get it yet, but I'm trying. I may be splitting hairs here, but I don't think what you're doing is so much lying about your past as putting a lid on something you don't want to discuss. People being who they are would question you further if you said you didn't want to have anything to do with your family. The ole "why" would be right there. Then you would be put in the position of saying you'd rather not talk about it, and then they would wonder what deep dark secret you had. You don't need to deal with that on top of everything else. I think your lie is a necessary thing right now...and has nothing to do with shame....just not sharing.

I tell the people who know my father and know my family that I have no idea who abused me. I even tell my family members that. It's not that I'm ashamed. He's dead. They loved him. He didn't abuse them or anyone else. He saved it all for me. I have no need to ruin their lives, and it won't help me to heal if I tell them the truth. So I lie. I think it's a good lie. I think there are good lies. You'll announce it all to the world when you're good and ready. Until then, don't be ashamed of anything. You should be as proud of who you are as anyone I have ever met. I am.

Bobby
 
Adam,

it is a real pity that we have to lie about our past lives, when it was happening and also today.

None of us want to lie, we have all had more than enough of lying.

The worst thing that really angers me, is when people accuse me of being a liar, and why do they do it? Simply because I am so quiet about my life, which is something I am working on.

I dont lie, never have had to, except to protect myself from past events.

At least you dont have to lie in this place, because we all believe you, what a welcome shift from the past.

ste
 
Adam It is never easey talking about this at work. I was able to tell my boss about it when I started Therapy. She was very understanding and helpful.

However others found out later and it turned bad.
I was abused by a priest and 90% of the people working there where catholic. That was back in 2002 and most people didn't want to beleive children where abused.

There was one person that was super helpful as I began Therapy . Having one positive voice made up for all the negative.

I think things are a lot different today than even 4 years ago. People understand a little more and there may be one person that would be a helpful voice for you.

Tom
 
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