can we ever heal all of it? could trigger

can we ever heal all of it? could trigger
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
i brought this subject up with my t ,but got no help at all ,one thing that sucks is my therapy is all wrapped up with my rehab for meth use and the t sees everything i say as an excuse for my drug habit. ok since my surgery i have been having a mild fever and it has dried out my skin real bad ,a couple of days ago i woke up and my lips were real dry cracked and sore ,when i opened my mouth the skin at the corners cracked open and it hurt ,but at the same time it made me feel i dont know like dirty?kinda sick you know ? like something bad had happened ,then it hit me when my cousin had me i would always wake up like that!my lips bleeding and the corners of my mouth torn from having something too big forced in my mouth,over and over all night long ,the t said it was good that i realized why i felt bad ,but that we needed to talk about other things ,it sucked i needed to talk about it but he just changed the subject. how long is stuff just gonna keep comming out? how do we cope when any fucking thing can send me back into that dark place,when normal everyday stuff is a trigger is it ever possible to get over any of this? also my t says im not trying that i am only going through the motions in therapy ,he says i dont open up to him!well to me that was being open about something i felt but he just shrugged it off.dont you think its the t's job to like crack me open and find out whats inside?i have talked and listened to them till i cant talk anymore ,the t says when i talk about the abuse its like i am narrating a story,like im not feeling anything ,well thats the only way i can talk about the horrible sick things he did to me ,if i dont just zone out i would go off the deep end ,do i have to feel all the bad shit again to ever get over it? do they want me to cry or scream or just melt into the floor?just cause i dont react outside dont mean i dont feel it inside.its all got me so confused ,i thought therapy was about getting inside where the shit lives ,but if i dont react like they expect me to then im just using it as an excuse to do drugs? i think therapy is a joke cause the t has his own ideas about how i should think and feel ,but he dont have a clue ,for me m. s. is so much better than therapy ,you guys really understand ,only somebody thats been through it can really understand what its like. adam
 
Adam, give it time.
I know how you just want to scream all this shit out at once, but the whole thing is massive.
You have to chip away at it, bit by bit, but feel its never going to be right.

Time is the best healer, but work with the T and see if you can build up some rapport with him.
Nobody can see this stuff from a survivors point of view, nobody.

ste
 
Adam,
know what you mean about the T. I used to go one to for depression, dual-diagnosis, means I drank as well. Anyway, I came to the conclusion he was a twit, which is a nice way of saying asshole. I was there for his entertainment. He could never make sessions easy for me and I would have to leave work mid day and go see him, then go back to work. I went back out and called him before I hit bottom #12 but all I got was ans. machine. Then he said 'why don't you call me when this happens?' Guess what dude-o, I did twice and you never responded. So I gave up, fired him and went my merry way and sank deeper and deeper. What was the cause of my depression? Was never asked. T didn't want to deal with it because he had no experience with it, neither does the one now, but I get everything else out with her. I write homework about my day, my feelings good and bad, what pisses me off and 2 good things about me. She reads it when I go see her, looks for any deviation (so to speak) from my usual stuff I plonk down on paper. But, for the nitty gritty, I come here. My T has 3 little boys 3 - 8 and she does not want to hear this stuff. I talked with my ex-wife in Vancouver last night- she was a child psychologist for the Vancouver, BC, school system. She dealt with abused kids and saw what happened to them after 25 years. She gave me some tips etc. You can change Ts - they are not gods and if you can't click, it can seem like a waste of time. Wait for other responses here and decide. Just don't give up on yourself. You are unique person, we all are, because of the shit we went through. Keep venting here, don't hold it in. You are among friends. Is Adam your real name? All the Adams I have met are Polish. Is this true?

ribbit, ribbit
froggy12
 
he well its my real name but no im not polish! lol,part native american and the rest ?who knows!hey maybe someday you can turn into a prince if the right person kisses you! when you were little were you a tadpole?lol
 
Adam,
Can you wait out your time with this T, then get one who knows something about CSA? It would seem to me that he's not really sure how to handle the CSA stuff and so avoids it. Can you get a different T now? The first T I had was a disaster. The guy I have now rocks.
Take care of yourself. You're strong.
Paul
 
therapy is a huge joke. it sounds like you have to do yours though, is it court ordered? do you think you an at least switch therapists or is that not an option?
 
the therapy is not court ordered but my stepdad is paying for it and im living with him now so its kinda if you wanna stay this is what you have to do ,funny thing is ok i have 3 different therapist and the one i told about this says he specializes in csa!why 3 dont have a clue well one is a student and is learning so that makes sense ,and the other is the drug type guy he does therapy for addicts ,i really dont like the idea im being used to train the younger one. twice he has had to leave the room when i talked about the abuse,so its pretty clear that i have opened up to them ,right now im kinda stuck with it ,i have no job no money and im 500 miles from where i lived .also if i go back there i'll be alone again and sometimes its like i wanna be alone but other times its like i never wanna be alone again. so i guess its kinda out of my control right now .thanks guys for your responses nothing in the world helps me like talking to you guys adam
 
You doing your part Adam. That one of the T's had to leave the room becuase YOU triggered HIM should tell you something. No, not just that you're opening up, but that you survived some of the worst abuse possible. You didn't come out on top, your survival came with a price, a very heavy price. But you're willing to pay it.

Give them some more time ok? And please don't talk down to them, BUT you need to express your concerns that they MAY not have the proper experience that you need.

As I recall, you mentioned not too long ago about the fact that you had group therapy for meth, but MAYBE what you REALLY need is group therapy for CSA survivors. Why don't you ask them if they can help you find a local support group? I would attend one around where I live but there isn't one. I really wish there was. Tell us what you think of this ok?
 
adam, give it time, and you can tell the trainee to stay away.
Its immensely difficult especially if you are being crammed with more therapy than you can handle at any one time.

Where do you start? Who knows! But it is the therapist who should decide how it is going to progress. Difficult yes, impossible no.

Sounds like the T has brought you through a regressive state, maybe by accident.
Talking this stuff out is a heavy weight on yourself and who you are telling it to, but that is how they should be trained.

Dont let everything blow up in your face, and if you need space, take it, but baby steps are needed in anything as gross as this.

Stay safe,

ste
 
Adam,

First, let me say how sorry I am that every day life triggers you so badly so much of the time. It was that way with me for a couple of years. The most innocent things would remind me of neighbor kid or taxi guy. Everywhere I turned there was something else whether it was a smell, something I saw, a foggy day, on and on, it was like someone was beating me down with a big rubber mallet, you know?

Can we ever heal from all of it? Well, I don't feel like I'm there yet and I've been at it for over 3 years now. I'm a hell of a lot better I don't get triggered nearly as often anymore, but it still happens. I'm enjoying life more than I ever have so hey, Life is good. The thing is, it took a while to get where I am and I'm not done. Not sure I ever will be, but I keep on doing the work because giving up is not an alternative I relish.

Sounds like your therapists are pretty much geared to the drug addiction issues because that's what brought you to therapy with them in the first place. While I agree that you may need counseling for that issue, I would think that they would be interested in dealing with the issue of why you were addicted in the first place. In other words they should be paying attention to the cause of the addiction rather than various aspects of the addiction itself.

If I were you I would state clearly and calmly what you've just stated to us. That you feel you need them to pay some professional attention to this issue, and you don't feel that they are currently doing so. See what kind of response you get. If you get more of what you described above, ask why they are avoiding the issues that are important to you. Who knows? Maybe they'll come up with a reasonable answer that will explain what they are thinking.

There have been a couple of times where I felt my T was going in the wrong direction so I came out an asked about it. One of the times he backed up and listened to my concerns and we headed where I wanted to go. The other time he explained to me what it was he was trying to accomplish with the direction he was taking and it all made sense so we continued doing it his way.

And if MS is therapeutic for you, then stay with us, dude. I feel the same about this place. I've grown more here in the last year than in two years of therapy before that. I use my therapist now as sort of a reality check to tell me how I'm doing and to direct me if he sees some wrong thinking etc., but most of the therapy happens right here in this place.

Lots of love,

John
 
We all have the potential to get through this.

Therapy is not a joke it is necessary although it takes the right therapist(s).

I heard a great speaker yesterday and he brought up some good points. He says when you are in a body of water there are three choices.

Swim forward and get somewhere

Tread water

Sink and drown

If you choose to tread water, eventually you are going to get tired and you will end up making one of two choices sink or go forward.

He told a great story about a friend of his who spoke slowly and never had much energy all throughout his career. One day he went to visit and this guy was really energetic and outgoing for the first time ever.

What happened was after retirement a new job popped up that looked good so he took it. Now he absolutely LOVES to go to work because hes helping young kids with a horrible start in life get on track and get an education.

He says he goes to work even when hes sick and not feeling well, because of one little boy. This boy came to the school when he was four years old and addicted to crack thanks to the parents but they got him fixed up and on course in school.

Now every morning, this guy sits behind his desk in his office and waits. Without fail, this kid gets off the bus, comes to the office doorway, puts up his arms and says, Im here!... And Im ready! Then he runs off to the first class.

It loses something when you read it rather then hear it out loud, but the main point is that its all about our perseverance and our attitude.

If you are here, and you are working on your problems then you are swimming and that's a good thing.
 
Great story Curtis.

There is an analogy that I remember.
A trained helicopter winchman said that most ppl fail to survive because of the following.

They hang onto an upturned boat in freezing weather, fingers numb, mind focusing on keeping as far out of the water as possible.

Their mind gives their hands super human strength using all of the minds resources.
The guy sees a helicopter overhead, and unfortunately his mind thinks he is rescued, and he drowns.

You always have to think, that you are not the guy who drowns, you are the one who survives, and is brought to safety,

ste
 
Adam - I can't imagine what it's like to have multiple Ts! A good T is a godsend (says the heathen). There are Ts that do the job because they really want to help people, there are T's that want the money! It's a difficult task to identify a good T when you really need one. Usually, it's easier to recognise afterwards, when your need has reduced.

Instincts are a pretty good thing!

Curtis - sounds like the speaker had some pretty good ideas and that he is doing good work.

Sorry if my following comments seem to be an attempt to blow the speaker out of the water, they are not...it's just another way of looking at things! When I see a statement like 'brought up some good points', it's like a challenge to me.

"When you are in a body of water there are three choices". Not quite true!

1/ Swim forward and get somewhere - I get the idea, but if you are swimming away from the shore, you may just end up in deeper water. If you turn around and swim back to shore, you might be able to deal with the events that happened there, rather than swimming away from them!

2/ Tread water, you will eventually get tired and drown. What about trying to put your feet down first - the water may not be that deep. You might actually be able to stand up!

3/ Sink and drown - well I always float to the top, because I'm full of air!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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