Can Male Survivors of Female CSA Please Speak Up?

Shaun The Sheep

Registrant
I'm sure you've read the stories about teacher/student sex scandals - they happen every week and like clockwork, you get comments like these:
damn, im stunned by all the beaatiful white teachers having sex with minors...i wish i could go back in time to 15 and have sex with all my blonde beuatiful sexy teachers..only if it were possible to go back. now im in college and almost had an affair with my philosophy professor she was 25 and hot...love a blonde teach me a couple of lessons
I wish I could hear from some of the grown-up survivors of this type of relationship to have them speak candidly about it - was it everything we fantasize about? Was it not? What did the relationship really feel like? Inquiring minds would love to know.
 

Mike1968

Registrant
I was sexually abused from Toddlerhood on thru high school, probably about 6 women, a few men in between but the men weren't real heavy abuse, maybe a little fondling. I never cared for men much.
I remember an incident in the bathtub so it could have started before toddlerhood

All I can say is I thought all little boys did this with adult men since all the ones I knew were. We were sometimes abused in groups. I suspected not all little girls did this so I always protected my twin sister. We never messed around, never had the desire but there was some boundary issues that were broken, we were too close.

Most of the women I was with were more relationships that lasted for a year-3years but one was with a crazy lady who came to my JR High School Cafeteria having a meltdown. Even my innocent peers put two and two together, her ranting in a sense was a disclosure. that was probably the worst. I told everyone she was on drugs (actually she was off drugs which was her problem) She was also very dangerous physically, later was prosecuted for trying to stab her husband with a knife.
I don't have anything normal to compare it to. Never could "date" in the traditional sense, have a fear of women kindof. Upon a CPS workers advice, I start dating girls my own age but that felt like molestation. I married my sisters best friend, she just fit with my issues, didn't bother her even as friends so marriage has overall been a blessing. She's great. But I am still attracted to older women.

I realize my situation isn't comparative to any others because I honestly believe when I was young, I was crazy. I would break up with a woman if she went out on me, there wasn't the sense of insecurity as little boys have. There was, but not to the extent I have read about but I attribute that to being a twin. Everywhere we went, we were complimented on our looks.

By age 10, the guy at the dump would let me take old rototillers, lawnmowers, and fix them, I used to sell them to make money. I tried to pay for my adult girlfriends, pay for the heating bill, clean their house, mow, etc...

The emotional stuff most men go through wasn't as extreme for me as a child, but I think but thoughts of suicide plagued me at times which were brief, but leveled it out.

My sister and I were very popular all through school, mine was probably due to the molestations. Viewing your peers at school as younger than yourself means you have more patience and are not comparing yourselves to them. By them I understood sleeping with Women was not the norm, and that is why they were so carefree which I loved.
Later it would do a 360, my peers in my twenties were much more mature than I was, including my wife. There was stunted growth for a while

I was arrested for assault a few times, once placed in Juvenille Hall for a serious crime. so there were some anger issues. Anger is mostly gone now but hence my breastfeeding thread, the ghosts still linger~~~
 

Mike1968

Registrant
Oh and it's nice to meet you Shaun.

Let me clarify something.Putting my arm around the few girls I dated in high school made me feel dirty, like a Pedophille. They didn't have the sexual experience I had so my fear was taking away their innocence.

In the end, marrying my sisters best friend was the easiest route since we grew up together. She knew my issues but never had a problem and always seemed to have a crush on me. She spent the night at our house sometimes and we ran in the same groups. I don't trust easily so this was the way to go
 

Shaun The Sheep

Registrant
I'm so very sorry to know how horribly abused you were - I have a son of my own and the thought of that happening to him makes me physically ill. It is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, goal of my life to make sure he never knows that pain.
 

Mike1968

Registrant
Oh I am sorry. Thanks for being so supportive, I didn't see you were seeking that specific situation.

One of the women was a Teachers Aide but she worked in another classroom, so the answer would be no. She really didn't have authority over me, but did a few times order me to speak to her as if she did when I was on the playground, that was when we were involved. I originally met her outside of school

So you were with your Teacher for a while? if you don't feel comfortable answering, no problem. There aren't many on here that were sexually abused by women it seems. I think a vast majority of those sexually abused here involve their mothers
 
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Shaun The Sheep

Registrant
No - I honestly have no memory of my abuse - I was just thinking about the larger topic of 'teen sex w/ teacher - all other guys jealous' that I know is probably not true and could be killed as a myth altogether if a person with that experience could comment on it with some candor.
 

Mike1968

Registrant
I agree.
My guess is they would have to be advanced in their recovery process to see the damage that was done, it is so easy to only focus on what you perceive to be good about it.
 

jls

Registrant
When I was 11 I had a childish crush on my school bus driver, whom I'm guessing now was in her 20's at the time, but would that make it right for her to initiate sex with me? I don't see a difference between this and adolescent boys being with an attractive school teacher for a few reasons. First, and most obvious, minor teens are still children, albeit in development, who shouldn't be preyed upon by adults, especially those in authority over them. The fact that they are developing makes this doubly hard since on the surface the public attitude may be hey, he's lucky to have gotten some as you say, but what if the shoe were on the other foot, that being an underage girl having sexual relations with a teacher of either sex? I think this comparison is instructive when it comes to the negative societal biases that exist concerning male childhood sexual abuse in general.
 

king tut

Registrant
I read that you acted out as a 12 year old with other boys. Do you fear that this was a reaction to a supressed memory of abuse? Is this your reason for inquiring?

I respect that you are curious about this particular situation about a female teacher and a student, and certainly we shouldn't be afraid or impede people from talking about these things.

You quoted a comment from that news site, i think we all know that really silly comments are often expected on news coverage sites.

I find your curiosity a little puzzling in your wording "was it everything we fantasize about? Was it not? What did the relationship really feel like? Inquiring minds would love to know." But i think the reason why i find your wording puzzling is because it is so obvious to me that it is not the case.

I understand that this site has more than one aim "We are committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism" and so i respect that you are educating yourself, advocating the issue, and bringing attention to the lack of understanding that exists out there. However, to me, this is primarily a support site, and i was always told that if people are inquiring about things, but that person is not doing it with the purpose or resources to offer support (and if it doesn't relate to them), then question that (because it may be to just collect information and may not be in the survivors best interests). I can see that you are offering support, but i was just curious at your questioning.

But to answer your original question, and i am not a survivor of female CSA, it is understood that an inappropriate relationship between an adult (and in this case one with extra authority over the child) and a child can be damaging to the child. It is pretty clear cut, the gender of the perpetrator doesn't make it any better or worse (although survivor issues may be different).

Sure, teenagers may joke about how hot their teachers are and things like that, but down the line, after being abused, issues will start cropping up and it will become apparent how much it has hurt them. Issues may also be immediately apparent when they realise their lack of power, control and knowledge in the situation. There is so much to say on the damage that it can cause and the reasons for this. It is damaging and it is child abuse as i am sure you agree.

You talk about killing the myth (about a teenage boy being "lucky" to have sex with his hot teacher), in many circles the myth has been tackled, and when newspapers report on this you see the myth being tackled then, but i agree there is a long way to go in educating people about this serious problem.

Also as jls said, if it was a male teacher abusing a little or teenage girl people wouldn't even be considering this question. The world sometimes needs anthropologists to come in and identify and then overthrow everything you think you know about society and people so that you can strip off the masks of society. Certainly as male survivors we are becoming more adept at breaking these stereotypes and masks of society- all of these things that try to tell us that it should be one way or another or that we should feel one thing or another. The same deconstruction is being done when it comes to abuse by female perpetrators, and there is an increasing library of books on the topic.

Lewis
 

Shaun The Sheep

Registrant
Well, let me clarify: I am asking from the standpoint of a CSA survivor who is a bit tired of the misconceptions surrounding female-on-male sexual abuse. Alternatively - as a bi-or-straight male - I can't escape the fact that I along with most teenage guys had that 'Hot for Teacher'/'Stacy's Mom' fantasy.

So it'd be helpful to have someone who has gone through that experience speak candidly about what it has done to their lives. I would think it would certainly slow down every guy who reads the story and then goes on to say "Lucky SOB..." I wouldn't consider those boys lucky at all.
 

BloggerT

Registrant
Shaun,

I have a post by a survivor but it was by his 14 year old babysitter rather than a teacher. Maybe it will be of some help to you http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/11/victims-story.html

And there are a few others that might be of help. This one is about a research stuudy done "Long term effects of sexual abuse by a female" http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2009/06/long-term-effects-of-sexual-abuse-by.html
 

little big man

Registrant
Hi, I am new on this site and it scares and makes me cry. My mother both grandmothers and two cousins maybe molested me along with father, and two uncles. My grandmother, greatgrandmother and great great grandmother were protitutes.
I ahve had great anger in my life and been scared of it. I have been in 12 steps for 14 years where i finally got a litttle self esteem.
Anyway I need to share about some heataches. One is that I have found it is not a good idea to tell anyone in town that i have been molested. Result it gets spread that I am a molester as most people assume 100 percent of those molested become molesters. This really hurts because i wouldnt dream of hurting a child and i stay away from them. Why would i want the guilt of knowing i ruined someones life like mine was. Another thing is no one thinks women molest children or if they did you got lucky.

(this paragrah should be at the end)
I was in an aa meeting where two women said they had been molested. no one thought the worst of them. I shared that I had been molested and several peoples eyes lit up. The next meeting I went to I was being talked about as a pedophile that should not be allowed in the aa building. One person even called me a pedophile. Why? because i am a male that said i was molested.

My mother used to be preoccupied with my butt and I used to think my butt was huge and would want to hide. Becomming invisable was my goal and to this day i dont like it when someone comments on my body making me aware of myself again. I had to quit a job because the women in my office made comments all the time about my body (i am fat) eeo did not seem to think it was an issue. I hate my body and dont like anyone meantioning I have one. THe female reltives used to put things in me at the sink when i was really young. multiple enemas too. When i had oral sex with a woman I realzed I had done this before at a really young age. I really do not want sex with another person as it is really scarry. Most of the time I have tried I could not maintain an erc due to fear. And of course when I climax I feel guilty like i raped her or guilty even masterb when i climax.
 
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Zkahtt

Registrant
little big man,
Welcome to MS. That is a powerful post. I am sorry you had to endure that abuse. Your feelings are normal as you might have found by reading the site.

I use food to medicate as well. I use it to deal with pain mental and physical. I'm fat too. I don't like it either. I think being self conscious like you describe reminds me of how I felt about my own body most of my life and forgot about until I read your post. I never even looked at my own penis until I was in my late twenties. I became even more self conscious than I had been before I had supressed it when I was 18 in basic training. I was terrified that I hadn't been aware of my own body all my life. I never felt my penis unless it was aroused I honestly didn't and mostly still don't have any active awareness of any of the body parts that were abused unless they have a biological or involuntary reaction some stimuli. Wow that really is something to remember that.
I think a lot of us have body image issues. Thanks for triggering that memory I think it might be important for me to deal with. It probably explains a lot.

So you see we're all a bit messed up here and we join together to help one another as best we can. Welcome and I hope you find help here.
 
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Hi, my fraternal brother, little big man,

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there, albiet in different ways & ages.

We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & we will share your tears.

Be prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You are on your way.

My "mom" was the first to get to me, 5 yrs old. My male perp, a few years later.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, little big man, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Pete..Irishmoose.
 

FormerTexan

Administrator
Staff member
I have to add that I am a survivor of non-typical female sexual abuse. What my mother did was sexual abuse, but it wasn't the typical contact abuse people think of. Mine was a combination of a couple things: what she allowed me to see her doing, a couple things she did directly to but again without contact, things she said to me and her overall anti-male attitude. So honestly there is no room for fantasy in these cases. There was nothing desirable about it. It was only damage.
 

little big man

Registrant
Thankyou for the comments. Recently I went to the doctor and I got wieghed. 293 I wanted to die. Today I am ok though. I remember walking to high school the last block was very scary for me where alot of people were and they could see me. I was so self concious of my body and I wanted to hide it as soon as possible. I was skinny but thought I was fat and had breasts (body dismorphic disorder). My mother was very preoccupied with my butt and she would pinch me or touch me. I have always wanted to not have a body and do not like it when someone says something about it making me aware I have one. It scares me.
 

Zkahtt

Registrant
My aunt would sit me between her legs nude facing her and vacilate between emasculating me and sexualizing me, making me do things and torturing my penis. I was 3-4. She was grooming me for the long term.

I didn't remember this stuff about her until about a year ago but I recall speaking to her for the first time since she last abused me when I was in AA back in the 90's. the thing that most distictly stood out in that phone call was this huge sexual energy coming from her like it was coming across the phone lines. At the time I was doing the steps and thought it a stray emotion. I hadn't yet been triggered to remembering my life in her mother's home. She was 17-19 when she abused me.

I now realize as I write this, in the experience on the phone with her what was really going on is that I was feeling the feelings she had imposed on me as a child when she was abusing me. Speaking to her she had triggered the response she had groomed me to have. She was giddy like a little girl, sexually aroused from what I gathered later by the feelings she was triggering. It was a sexual kind of feeling but it was dark and felt all wrong and icky. I felt dirty in that way that you can't wash it off. At that time she was 54-55. She meant to use me for sex for life.
I honestly believe today even after I told her I remembered something nonsexual but abusive she did to me, I bet she'd try to be sexual with me if we were in the same room.
My mom had to work or her mom would kick us out of the house so I was unprotected except when mom was home and usually doing chores or sleeping.

women screw us up. it was her penis torture and emasculation that gave me my body issues.
 

little big man

Registrant
When the topix of female sexual abuse on males comes up you always hear about teenage boys being molested. By doing that society is still avoiding the reality of females molesting little boys and babys which goes on all the time. There is strong denial that mothers molest their little chidren but wide acceptance that men molest little ones.
 
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