Can I take what lies ahead?

Can I take what lies ahead?
E

EGL

Registrant
I'm a 43-year-old male and I was sexually abused for a period of time when I was 12. I never told anyone at the time or since, not my parents, no one. I finally told my wife of 16 years a couple of weeks ago. It was a great relief at the time, but I feel like I'm going insane now. I went to see my family doctor to ask about anti-depressants, and he asked if I had suffered any childhood trauma. I broke down and couldn't stop crying, and finally told him about the sexual abuse of when I was a child. He's going to be gathering names of some counselors for me to talk to, and I'm going back to see him this coming Wednesday.

So, what I want to know is, can I endure what lies ahead. It has been horribly painful remembering all this crap after 30+ years after I had managed to neatly tuck it away. Now it's all over the yard in my mind. I had a dream last night in which I was my current age (43) and being sexually abused by my abuser again. It's the first time I've ever dreamed about it since it originally happened 30+ years ago. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My wife is very supportive, thank God, but I don't know if I really want to go through this therapy if it is going to be so horrifically painful. I know I NEED to do it, because of all the issues this has caused in my life (issues of trust, fear, abandonment, emptiness, shame, the list goes on and on and on).
 
Hey, Eddie, I'm David.

I'm so sorry for the reason that you come to a place like this, but I'm glad that you found us.
I don't know if you've been doing any reading of the posts of 'your new brothers,' but you'll find similar stories here.
First of all, after you've taken a deep breath, you've done a good job in starting this process called recovery. Getting your doctor to come up with some names of therapists for you couldn't be a better place to start this process.
Second, it sounds like youve got a supportive spouse. She will be a great source of comfort for you. But dont do what some of us do, and thats make it all about you. She has suffered from secondary abuse by having lived with you. There, thats the worse thing that I could say to you. The best thing is that you have a deepening relationship to look forward to. And on that, I wish you luck, and love.
Keep us posted on your progress, what kind of names your doctor comes up withdont forget to look into Licensed Clinical Social Workers, with experience helping people who have suffered CSA, Childhood Sexual Abusesometimes referred to as LCSWs.
If I were to continue with any education, it would be toward that goal as I have found them to be the most practical therapists.
Welcome, new brother, make yourself at home, rant and rave when you need to, and most of all, know that you will never be alone again.

Brother Davidmy middle name was taken from an Eddie.
 
Eddie
I had a similar 'overload' in 1999, when I first told my wife, on our 25th wedding anniversary ! But it's our 30th next month and we've got through it.
It's been a tough five years, I would kid anyone about that, but has it been worth it ? you bet it has.
And please don't think I'm some kind of superhuman guy or anything like that, 'cause I'm not. I'm just a regular guy who wanted my life back.

Just think about it a bit Eddie, isn't your life worth fighting for ?
I know it is. So join us in the fight to reclaim our lives.

Together it's easier.

Dave
 
EGL,

I'm glad that you are starting to find help for sa that you sustained as a child. It sounds crazy, but what you're going through is known as post-traumatic stress disorder. It's common for adults in your situation to do so after many years. It's better that it's happening now instead of later. I'm 25, but I'd still look at you as a young guy.

My situation is different. I was raped over a year ago. All of the things that you're going through now, I started to go through a few months ago. I too, was finally able to divulge my secret to a friend. Man, my life was so dark during that year. Everything was gray and devoid of life. Things got worse before the started to get better. I wish I could explain in more depth, but I think you get the point.

I constantly feel like I'm awaking from a nightmare. That my life was a lie. I had no idea who I was. Before the rape, I was a just a normal, heterosexaul male who was always chasing women. The rape made me feel less than human, like a monster. At times I felt asexual because of it. I'm not scared though of what the outcome of my recovery will be. I know I'm going to be a better person in spite of it.

Keep on pushing through your recovery. I think you'll be surprised how much you learn about yourself and others. You're a beautiful person, don't let anything change it.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
Eddie - come here as often as you like, ask as many questions as you like...we all support each other & sometimes we really need that!

Is it worth it going through therapy?

I was also abused at 12 & left it even longer than you have to start dealing with this - as others here may know, I really started for the first time Dec 18th of last year.

At that point, I had reached an all time low, I went to my doctors surgery & forced an appointment. After speaking to the doctor & actually 'naming my problem', I went and sat in my car and howled like a banshee - I was 46 at the time & will be 47 this month! I then somehow managed to go back to work, met my Boss in reception & we went into a meeting room. I again somehow explained the problem to her - She arranged for immediate councelling (within a couple of days) & that got me started. Without that support, I would not have been responding here today.

People on this site know that I have friends who support me way more than I could ever have imagined.

I slip back, I climb back up again. It isn't always easy - after 35 years, I don't expect to erase/defeat this thing overnight!

I recently went back & reclaimed the sites of my abuse (3 main ones) by planting forget-me-nots there. This really threw me & I'm just back at a zoned out level again now.

It's been six months, the lows are never as low as they were, the highs are so much higher....I caught myself laughing again at work the other day - it's a beautiful sound. Prepare yourself for that Eddie because laughter is such a wonderful thing....come on, work at it - take the pain of restoration, but laugh with me.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Thanks, everyone, for the supportive words. I really appreciate it. Right now, all this stuff in my head is so overwhelming that I know it's going to take time to sort it out. I'm so glad I found this discussion board. After reading through some of the posts, it really is very comforting to know that there are many others who are feeling the same things I am.

Thanks again, and I'm looking forward to us all healing together.
 
Eddie,

welcome here. I am glad that you have released the secret, that you are already looking at possible counselling, and have come here. This site is remarkable.

In answer to your question, yes, you can deal with what lies ahead. Because already, you have survived the worst. Althought there will be some rough times ahead of you, it is not the worst. The worst is in the past, and always will be.

Remember, what lies ahead of us and what lies behind us are nothing compared to what lies within us.

Leosha
 
Eddie,

As you can see, you're very much NOT alone in this.

I was abused when I was 11 and it continued through months until I was 12. There was at least one more incident I remember when I was older before I left middle school. I was used and abused by a school "counselor" who was SUPPOSED to be helping me.

It gets easier over time, my friend. You may not think so now, and that's an easy thing to think, but it will. I'm just now coming to terms with how totally f**ked up my life was over this. And still is. I'm 37, and just started getting the memories back and LIVING through the trauma a year and a half ago.

You are stronger than you know. You've already taken some pretty courageous steps, and I'm so very proud of you for it.

There's a lot of wisdom and support here, if you need it, and I for one can't wait to see what you have to contribute to it.

There's something I always say to the new people I "meet" here. It can be a bit overwhelming, but when you consider what we've been through, I think we need to hear it. I love you, Eddie. I want tnothing in return, and no strongs come with it.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
eddie,
welcome to the board, you are not alone here.

i, too, hid my abuse for 31 years, i am 41 now. my abuser was a "trusted" coach and i was ten and his g/f for about 6 or 7 months. wish i would have told my two ex wives and my last g/f but did not. i had all those issues too and still do.

i am new to this too. i have jsut started dealing with this about 2 months ago. do have a therapist. also went to my reg doctor and got some anti-depressants and anxiety meds.

i do not know what is in store for us, it is a long road i think but am happy for you and me that we are now dealing with it. a neat book my counseler suggested was "the courage to heal", mainly about women who were abused but it so reflected us too., the part on relationships would be good for your wife to read too. i wish i would have done so or had that but i can't change the past now.

take care, one day at a time, try to relax, we gotta get through this. our survivor brothers are here for us too.

guy
 
Eddie here I am late again in my welcome. I am sure by now you realize you have just joined the greatest bunch of guys it has been my privilege to knwo for that past couple of years. To know you are not alone is one of the greatest gifts we receive when we first come here.

It is a place of strong shoulders to lean on and ears to here your rants. But there never will be condemnation or pity only strength and support.

We all have a story and they are all unique. But the consequences to us of our CSA are all virtually the same.

So ask, post, rant, cry and provide your shoulder when needed.

Welcome BROTHER
 
Eddie,

It may feel like hell at times, but you will get through it. After trying so long to get past it, over it, around it, etc. I finally started working my way through it about a year ago.

It's really great that your wife is supportive but you have a world wide web of supporters now. If you've been reading here you are familiar with some one what may lie ahead, but remember that we're all different.

In the end you'll make it because you have to. There is no way to go back to the time before you told your wife. With the list that "goes on and on" would you really want to go back?

Best of luck to you on Wednesday. Getting to see someone you can trust about this will be a great help.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Eddie,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You're story is like mine and so many others here on this board. I too just began to let the secret that I held for 31 years out as well. I too had a dream about my abuser right when this started and in my dream I was an adult and he was the same age as he was back then.

I haven't found the strength yet to see a T. I want to, but like you, I am scared of what is going to come out. I'm afraid of what it will do to my marriage.

I recently began taking Karate classes. I have totally emersed myself into it which has helped me some but I think that is an escape as well which is ok because it's better than the escape I had chosen in the past (alcohol). PM me anytime. I'm always checking this board. You and I sound like we are both begining similar journeys. We know your pain. I would recomend reading "ABUSED BOYS" by Mic Hunter.

MOP
 
Eddie,

My experience was similar to yours. I didn't tell anyone, not even my wife of 28 years. I kept silent for 38 years, around my 50th birthday, 'til I felt like I was going to burst. The feelings you have are not uncommon. By all means find a good therapist, preferably one who deals with childhood trauma or specifically with adults who've been molested as children. Yeah, it's rough at first but we are both here now because we made it this far. There are times that I despaired about how much it hurt to think about this crap but it is worth the work to heal and move on. It's not an easy task but having a supportive partner is wonderful.

This is a wonderful, supportive environment. Read some of the posts, post when you want to, rant when you need to. We all speak the same language here so you don't need to translate for us. We've been there too.

Take good care of yourself, keep us posted,

Steve
 
Again, thanks everyone for your supportive words. It literally brings tears to my eyes to read them, knowing that I'm not alone and that others feel the same things I'm feeling. You have no idea how much it means to me (but then again, I guess we all really do, don't we?).

I finished reading the Abused Boys book this past weekend. It was very helpful. I've just started reading the Victims No Longer book yesterday. For those that have the Victims No Longer book, the "Keith's Statement" (on p. 25 of my edition) had me sobbing within the first paragraph. It seems to sum up everything I'm feeling and has such a message of hope in it.

Thanks, again, to all for listening to me and for offering your friendship and comraderie to me, the new guy here. I really appreciate it.
 
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