Can I take my own advice?

Can I take my own advice?
R

RICK57

Registrant
Just me again.

Sometimes when I read posts here I give what I consider to be good advice - even though it may be difficult for an individual to follow.

What's my problem?

It's strange - as some of you may be aware I recently wrote a 15 page statement of complaint against 'my abuser'. He was arrested. There's a good chance of him going to Crown Court (currently 70:30% in my favour even though it's my word against his). 5 people have only recently (this weekend) agreed to be interviewed by the police and back me up in court (stating what impact the abuse has had on me from their perspective). I feel very strong about going through with this, even if apprehensive about where it is all heaading.

Recently I have seen more of 'my abuser' locally (still looking really pissed off due to his very public arrest) and having nothing but contempt for him... previously it had been indifference to protect myself.

Well this Saturday it is the Christmas Party from where I work - we are going to a local venue for what should be a great evening. Problem is last year I was just heading into a very public breakdown & it was pretty obvious to a lot of people there that I was 'not well'.

The memories of last year are making me frightened that the same may happen again. Last year the event was a week later & I totally crashed at work on the 18th of Dec (not to be seen again until early January). *That's when the ball started rolling.

I know I am strong now - I know my advice to anyone else would be to go & bail out if it got bad. *At least the place is surrounded by woods if I want to run off screaming into the night (only half joking).

Can I / should I take my own advice... I'd be mortified to crack up twice in consecutive social situations.

There will be some supportive people there that know of my situation, although we all arrive at different times, so will not necessarily sit together.

I hope at least one of you can give me some blindingly obvious advice.

Thanks again everyone (I've just read Leosha's comments on my last post & that really helped - always a support when most needed) - I think I know what I must do & I know that I can rely on you all again....Rik
 
Just to add - what's really weird, is that this place is a country hotel - I was actually born there in 1957 when it was a nursing/maternity home. Significant?

Rik
 
Rik,
Yes, you very well may have an issue. No one can predict that. But you can either let this guy continue to control you through your continued fear of his effect on your life, or you can believe in your own strength and your ability to overcome his effect on you and go enjoy yourself! You are strong. If you do have a problem you are strong enough to overcome it and handle yourself with grace. I'm not sure I would have anything to drink that night if I were you though. Alcohol is a depressant and I think it would probably increase your chances of having an issue. Just my opinion though.
Broken
 
Hi Rick,

Sounds to me like you've got a pretty good idea of where you are emotionally with all of this.

I would suggest that you proceed to do what what feels 'right' to you. Make plans accordingly and then make a "plan B"--the running off into the woods is a sort of "plan Z" :) , ie. when all else fails, save yourself!.

It helps me in this kind of situation to go with someone who understands and who can be with me to give me support if needed. Don't go alone unless you must.

Give yourself permission to change your mind at any time. This is a permission that most people allow themselves all the time. As a survivor, I am often determined to crash ahead no matter what! Having someone with me is a good way to get reminded that I can leave or change my mind whenever I choose to, simply because I choose to.

Anothe thing that I have found very helpful is to "bookend" events like this. That is on the front end, I make sure that I check in with another person I can trust and explore my feelings, fears, hopes and reaffirm all the things I know that I tend to forget in moments of panic or distress.

Then when the event is over, I put the other bookend in place by having someone (maybe the same person) to talk things over with, to digest the events of the evening, discuss feelings etc.

If you think about it, it seems that these are very normal traits that most people use unconciously as ways to navigate reality.

Some of these normal responses have been short circuited in me by the abuse and my reaction to it. In the beginning I had to make a specific plan ahead of time, sort of a check list, to be able to do these very simple things.

Now after several years of practicing them, they come very naturally to me. I do these things which are essentially nurturing, caring actions for myself as if they were second nature.

For me, the feeling of being trapped, unable to leave, being dependent upon the whims of another, is something that can really trigger me.

So I make sure that I always have my own transportation or means of calling a cab, money, phone numbers etc. so that I don't get that trapped feeling.

If I know that I can leave at any time, I usually spend a much more comfortable time and don't feel the need to depart.

These are just a few very simple things that were taught to me. They have helped me a lot.

I don't know if they apply to your situation or not, but I hope there may be something that could be of use to you.

And yes, I think it is marvelous that you were born in this place. Perhaps the new Rick is also being born there too?

Let us know how it goes. And remember it's all about taking good, kind, gentle care of YOU>

Regards,
 
I am glad that my belated comments were helpful to you!

As for the party, well, I would probably be one who would just 'bail' on the whole thing and not even bother to go (you can always claim a personal date the same night! ;) )

But I am in agreement with Danny. Plan what you will do, what you will say, plan the event and your reactions; and then also have a 'plan B'. Also, and I know this is odd coming from me (based on my overuse of alcohol recently), but I would maybe stay away from drinking to much, because it can maybe bring you a bit closer to the edge, and not make the edge any more sturdy. Also, is there a friend or two that you feel closer to, that you trust, that can be there also? Maybe have some kind of 'help, I'm losing it' signal with them, and they can help get you into a safer place, both physically and mentally.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

leosha
 
Thanks for the concern and the advice - do you know what ...in the end I did not go!

Why - well I decided that last year I went because as Shift Supervisor I thought that I must be present (my breakdown had started fully about a week before, but somehow I had managed to 'maintain a face' until then & got worse afterwards until I just lost it on the 18th Dec).

I hated the music last year(I like rock & it was an ABBA tribute night with an additional disco of the type of songs they normally play in dated nightclubs and at weddings - not criticising anyone elses tastes, but if you hate Metallica (etc) would you sit through 5 hours of it just to show your face?

The way these nights out work, is that they crush in as many people as possible. You either get dragged up to dance to something that you would never dream of dancing to, or you get stuck next to someone that you can converse with for about 5 minutes. Again this is not a reflection on anyone. Last year I had the choice of talking about Make Up / Football / someones ******* ex boyfriend or a crap football team / gurgling and slavering (husbands and babies)... it sounds funny when it's written down, but it wasn't when I was 2 seconds away from going nuts.

The people that I wanted to sit with would have had a good time because we had some similar interests. I like people that don't try to prove anything to anyone - that just be themselves (does that make me a hypocrite after hiding behind this wall for so long).

So I bought a good bottle of wine - watched Red Dragon on DVD & I feel good.

Next weekend, I am off to Newcastle with my 'Real Friends'. We'll hit a few real ale bars, some bars with 'older characters' that have interesting stories to tell. Probably move on to one of the rock bars for an hour or so, then go down to the quayside - I know I will enjoy this.

Danny - as you said - I have the right to choose & I have done (thanks).

Broken - if I didn't drink on social occassions, people would wonder what was wrong with me. You are correct though - there are certain frames of mind that I can be in & I know that it would create negative feelings within myself if I did drink - thanks for reminding me of that.

Leosha - the friends that I am going to Newcastle with next week..I do have a signal mechanism with one particular friend. If I say 10, we can be out of a location within seconds. If my friend thinks that I look off / asks & I say 1 - then there is no problem. In other words, on a sliding scale of 1 to 10, ...1 is good..... 10 is bad.

As I have been reminded ...I have the choice now - If I don't want to do it, I don't have to!

Thanks - hope I haven't rambled...best wishes...Rik
 
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