Can I just run away and hide? Rant :)

Can I just run away and hide? Rant :)
S

sadanddown

Registrant
I want to run away and hide. I feel like I should have never came to this board, and I feel like I should have never told anyone. I want to run away from everything, I guess thats not a good way to deal with problems. I want to move away from everyone and everything and just go live out in the woods, where I wouldn't have to talk about how I'm feeling, or think about it. I wouldn't have to think about my SA and I wouldn't have to worry about what my friends or family or therapist are thinking. I wouldn't have to go see my therapist or go see the psychiatrist to get more pills.

I thik I told far too many people and now my trust is fading even more in everyone. I guess I can't undo that...and I hate myself for telling too many friends/family members/therapists. I wish I could undo everything and go back to normal, just push it away and aside.

I have been very bitter lately too. I'm bitter because it seems everyone around me is happy all the time or having a great time, and I'm not. And then I feel like I don't want to be around anyone because I'll only bring my misery on them. I'm mad that everyone I know is asleep and happy and its 4am and I can't sleep. Am I wrong to feel these things? I guess one could say its not wrong to feel anything, its just how you feel, but it feels wrong.

How do I learn to trust people? Lately I've been paranoid (as if what I wrote above didn't spell it out). I'm paranoid, I don't want people to be thinking about me when I'm not there, and I don't trust anyone. I am losing more trust everyday it seems. I thought this all was supposed to get better, not worse.

I just wish that tomorrow I could wake up, like the movie Groundhog's Day and wake up back 16 years ago and change everything, except I would be the only one knowing that things were going to be different.

Jon
 
hey - this is ok to rant like this -
sometimes feelings like this happen
big hugs ((((())))))))))))))
you are gonna be alright - maybe you just need some time alone? to sort out your mind ?
you need to worry more on taking care of you
rather than what people are thinking or what you
think they might be thinking
set limits
You are the Commander - healing hurts sometimes -
but you did- took a step in the right direction

get it all out -

this post is a good thing

M
 
I have had the same feeling, wanting to put it back in the box, be numb, feel nothing and to go back to what I called normal. I did try for some years until almost a year ago. My fist attempt at dealing with this did improve my life, but I stopped when I thought it was too hard and I was making things worse. It is true that it gets worse before it gets better; another clich that the only way out of the pain is through the pain is true for me.

When I first dealt with it I was a blabbermouth and maybe told too many people, but I needed to talk, talk and then talk some more, still do sometimes. For me thats how I tried to integrate it and accept the reality.

I regret stopping therapy when I did. I may have ignored the abuse but it didnt ignore me. It was like having my kid part pulling on my sleeve saying remember me. There was really no way of running from it it was and is part of who I am. My normal is not such a good place to be. Hard as it is I will stick with it this time, I hope!

I would say that it is good that you came here and opened up this painful wound hard as it is, I hope that you will thank yourself soon for your courage.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
Hey, Jon,

I hope that you've come back to read what your fellow shipmates have written to you. Both of them, me included, have been sailing around trying to find ports of peace and tranquility.
What is it with these storms and unfriendly winds of discouragement?
Geez, just when Ive thought that Ive had some shit together here comes another Souwester. Whooossshhhhh, and Im left with dripping clothes and shivering in the cold of not knowing which direction is up.

Youre not alone. Does that help? Others have been where you are. Some are where you are but you cant see each other. Some of us want to be left alone. Others of us are frightened out of our minds when we are left alone.

It does get rougher before it gets smoother. It is darker before dawn. Those damnable clichs are so truebut you gotta live through this shit to understand the stupid clich.

What an effin routine, and they call it the road to recovery. God, its more of a mine field, with a little self-combat thrown in for good measure.

Please dont flick us in. Youre a mirror of us. You help us to see ourselves as we hope that youll see yourself through us. We cant do this alone, we need you. We hope that youll see the reason in that. We hope that youll see us helpers, fellow travelers, brothers who care.

Jon, whether you know it right now or not, you are an integral part of us, your poetry, your words of encouragement for others, your laments, your rants, your raves, hey, all of that, its all part of the main, its all part of us, youre part of us, were part of you, what can I say, welcome to the rag tag army of male survivors who are on their way to recovery.and that includes you..big time.

Hang in, Jon, were here and we care very much about you and how youre feeling, even if youre not feeling, we want to know.

Peace, courage and strength,
David
 
Jon - I think that when we are abused and hide it away in our minds, it is something like having a boil.

Apparently if you have boils and they are not lanced, they just build up their poison in your body & the infection keeps growing. Eventually the poison builds to such a degree that it finds an outlet and everyone is sprayed with puss.

Some people will be happy that your boil has burst and that you are about to experience better health because of it. Others will just not like the idea of being covered in puss - In my experience the former is the only reaction I have experienced.

We can't change the past - at least here we can lance our boils.

Here's wishing you well ...RIk
 
Jon,
I understand exactly what you mean when you say that you want to stuff it all back inside and pretend it's not there. Sometimes I think the same thing. Other times, I want to deny it ever happened and that I am just so sick I made this whole stuff up.

However, my support team won't buy either one. Hopefully you can find those people who will help hold you up along the way.

As everyone else has said, it hurts like hell. But having done some of this work before, it really does pay off in the end, even if we wonder if there ever will be an end.
Jeff
 
I'm really new to all this, but I agree with the others. I have, still do, carry around hate and bitterness for most everyone and everything for 20 odd years. It's easier to avoid the problem, avoid people. Try to push it back down, it just comes right back up. I know that much. I see this as, though I'm late to the fight, I'm not going to let this asshole win! That may be the wrong attitude, I don't know. Is it more important to pack it away and hide from it, move on and try everyday to be "normal" or to beat it and be able to live and love life? yeah it's hard, you're way stronger than I am. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else, just my wife and this board, which I am very thankful to have found both.
mh
 
Jon, How many times have I said, "I wish I never knew I was abused. I wish I could go back before the memories started. What is the point of knowing? It hurts so bad to know. Stuff it all back in. Before I knew about the abuse I came out of the closet as a gay man. I told my wife, my family and my friends. I thought that was the thing to do. Now I'm not even sure I'm gay. I think I might just be f.... up by the SA. But after you come out of the closet you can't just say, "Just kidding."and have your life return to the way it was. And, who knows, I might be gay...or not...or maybe...or.......

I really do feel that SA simply has to come out one way or another. There can be no way to hold it all back. I think some guys never know what got them, but it got them just the same.

You know what got you, and it's horrible and it's heartbreaking and it destroys your trust in people and on and on and on.

I really have taken it back from my sisters. I told them that I had been abused and that I thought it might be our father, and then I took that back. It was my father, but he didn't abuse them and I see no point in ruining their memory of their father. What good would that do? It won't make my healing any easier. They are much older than I am. So, I don't tell them about what I'm going through right now. One sister cares and asks...I tell her I'm just fine and healing nicely. The other sister never ever speaks of it, even though we talk often. She will not discuss the subject. She also will not discuss gay with me. It's no problem. Ignore it and it will go away.

I can't really speak for you, Jon, but even though I say I would like to go back to before I knew, I wouldn't. I was depressed, so very depressed, and I couldn't figure out why. I would go into the back yard with a drink and a cigarette and just sit and stare for hours. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I had nothing to say. I was numb. This thing was destroying me and I didn't have any idea what it was. It was going to get me one way or the other.

I hate this pain. Not a day goes by or, right now, not an hour goes by that I'm not thinking about either my abuse or the abuse of someone I've read about on this site. I haven't figured that out yet. Why do a hurt more for some of the other guys here than I do for myself? Some of the things that have happened to the guys here are beyond belief. The fact that they've made it through this far is totally amazing to me.

Yes, I hate the pain, but in the back of my mind, I know that feeling this pain is one of the most positive things I have ever done in my life, and that, if I don't jump right down in it and let it surround me, and see exactly what it is, I won't be able to fight it. I couldn't fight it the first time through. I was too small. I had no weapons to fight it. I can take it on now, though, and in doing that, rescue my little boy at the same time.

Don't give up, Jon. Don't hurt us that way. We really are in this together and we really do get our strength from one another. You are hurting so badly that you perhaps can't realize that the strength you have shown in coming here to meet your SA head on and defeat it in your healing has already helped someone else who has said, "Well, if he can do it after all he's been through, then I can certainly try too." And after you've been here a little longer, you'll read a post by someone you'll recognize...it's you only the name of the person who wrote it isn't yours. And you'll see his pain and you'll feel the need to write him and tell him that you were just where he is and to hold on and keep going because it's hell, but it's going to get better.

So, Jon, it's hell, but it's going to get better. Don't give up. Continue to write about it and tell us how badly you want to give up. That's honestly how you feel and you've got to be honest here. But if there's anything we can do to keep you going let us know how. If we lose you, we lose part of ourselves. Bobby
 
Thank you all for the replies. Sometimes its just so damned hard. Is being numb better than feeling all the feelings that I'm feeling and the emotional rollercoaster that I'm riding? I honestly can't say whether I know or not which is better.

Someone should write a book...called "8 minute healing" and all you'd have to do is read it in 8 minutes and be healed.

It's hard, I know that you all are out there, but it's hard when all I see is a computer screen. But I'm afraid too, I'm afraid that if I talked to any of you over the phone or met in person that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions.

This past friday I had a very bad appointment with my therapist. He is the therapist at the school, and I'm at the point where I cannot pass a class, I cannot even go to classes. He said if I withdrew from all my classes though that he wouldn't be able to see me, I'd have to get a new therapist outside and he'd help me do that and all. I just sat there crying, feeling completely abandonded again. We had another appointment monday and if I just take one class then I'm 'enrolled' in the college still so he can still see me and I can keep seeing the same people.

Oh, and I have a midterm thursday for that class. Do you think I'm going to pass it? I know I'm not. I'm damned if I stay and damned if I don't. I wouldn't be able to start therapy over again...it was hard enough going in there to see the one I'm seeing now. Not to mention in that class today, the prof was talking about sex and all, it's a class on 'personality'. I have a friend in that class but I just started shaking and was scared to death.

Why do things have to be so hard...I don't get it.

I have written a lot of poetry lately by the way, but haven't posted any of it. Maybe I'll post some tonight.

Jon )))) ((((
 
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