can I get some encouragment?

[russo]

This is letter I want to write to my wife-but I need some outside perspective-thanks:

I am sitting here and you are watching tv on the opposite sides of the apartment

I dont think this what we dreamed our marriage would be like
I find myself asking the same questions over and over again
It is the same arguments over and over again
I cant help but feel like we are creating or recreating our own child unresolved issues
You had a domineering father
I had a domineering mother
and I think we both decided that we were going to be different then our parents
So no one gives in, and we are at a stalemate-neither of us trust the other

I say to myself how stupid I was to believe that I could be the exception.
I saw all the signs before we were married
She doesnt want a man, she wants to prove that she doesnt need anyone
She wants a girlfriend not a husband, she compares me with her girlfriends and I always fail
She treats strangers better then she does me
She doesnt respect her family
She thinks she is right most of the time
She doesnt trust anyone-everyone lets her down
She does her own thing every time
She criticizes everyone so no one can touch her soul
And I
Wanted someone to love
Wanted to be accepted ( I hated who I was)
Wanted to prove that I was lovable ( I didnt love myself-then)
Wanted to make someone happy (this was very unhealthy-I realize now)
Wanted to be wanted ( I didnt feel significant)
Wanted to be cared about ( I didnt feel worthy)
Wanted to be admired ( I felt ashamed)
Wanted to be respected ( I felt rejected and abandoned)

what I see now is that I picked someone who reflected the most darkest parts of my psyche
the self hater, the doubter, the negative cynic, the condemner and accuser
I made my internal problem external so I could conquer these issues. I wanted my fight to no longer be within. And it still is-only you have now taken on the voice that has resided within me.

I cant help but feel like we turned into your parents. And I turned you into my dark side.
Two people who live in a house with completely separate lives-
that is the direction that we are going

we talk but it never goes anywhere-for either of us
you never change
NOR DO I
So do we go on living in this hell? This void of love?

 

[markw]

Dear Russo,

Sorry that you are in this place. I have been there, and know how tough it can be. I to wrote my wife a letter, and gave it to her. I was scared and afraid of the results, what she would think after she read it. For me it was the best thing that I could have done. None of my fears turned out to be true. Marriage is a tough thing, two people trying to live as one, it is never easy, even harder when sa is involved. No one can tell whether to let her read it or not, it has to be your decision. If the both of you love each other and are willing to stand together you can weather this storm. For better or worse, sometimes it is the worse, and that is a hard road to travel, but the old saying holds some truth, true love travels on a gravel road. I hope that things work out for you and your wife, and just go with your gut instinct, it is usually right. Be strong brother.

Mark

 

[Aptrick]

People can surround themselves with people who keep our self-abuse going and we theirs. When one individual tries to get better the other may be threatened or may be opposed to any change. But the bottom line is that you must face the problem you see before you. Fear keeps you where you are; facing the fear is the first step to get past it. Give her the letter, let her know you love her but be prepared for her reaction. If negative, don't let it undermine you; if positve, then you moved ahead of one more fear.
Aptrick

 

[Morning Star]

I am amazed that wonderfully you have managed to recoginize that how we attract just the soul who will trigger our childhood wounds and help us heal them. That way our spouse is our best healers.

Now the next challenge would be to break this pattern by changing your role in the dance. By making a different choice, each time.

If she is your 'mother', then you must be your father. How would you advise your father to respond to your mother, would be the best advise for you. And I know that you know it.

My mother was very domineering so have always attracted domineering women in my relationships, be it personal or professional.

One day I realised that I have the power over my life till I give it away. That day I became in charge. I dont have to please her aymore, I can be myself. I can love her for what she is, otherwise and yet I put my foot down when the time comes. I have the right to say NO. It is ok for her to get annoyed, I dont have to fear the repurcussion, I can handle them.

That day I got my power back.

take care