Can I get off the train now?

Can I get off the train now?
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
I know this is not a solution and is probably a lie going around in my mind, but all this recovery stuff and seeing, learning and having to try and deal with my abuse is very hard, very distressing and upsetting and basically not a fun party to be at.

Things felt better when all this was stuffed down and under control like it has been for so many years. Its so tempting to put it all aside, stop all this chat room and posting stuff and just walk away from it all. Now every day I feel so F***** up!

Im even more aware of how many parts of my life are screwed up and a mess. Before, I only know half of it. Now I know so much more and wish I didnt! Walking away from it all is very tempting, even though I know Ill need to come back to this place (of recovery). Damn, damn damn!
 
Bruce,

I have wondered that so many times. But then one thing occurred to me and the question hasn't come back since.

You already have the answer in your post. Back then when you thought everything was stuffed down and under control, in reality a lot of things were a mess already and more on the way. Now you see so clearly what a lie and futile facade all that was.

That's why you won't go back: now you know it was a lie and a futile facade. Then you didn't. Back then you didn't know that route could never bring you happiness and fulfillment. Now you do.

It's like in that medieval story I used on another thread about the man who breaks his vase. He knows he can't just stick the pieces together and say here is my vase; he has to melt the glass in the furnace and blow a new and stronger vase.

Take care,
Larry
 
Bruce,
I totally get what you mean! It's easy to convince ourselves that before things were better--we were able to cope. But like Larry said, it was a futile facade.

I still think of how great it used to be before I knew how completely f'ed up I am. But, in all honesty...I was still a mess who was kidding himself...and others saw through the chinks in the armor.

I like the metaphor of the broken vase...what a great way to think. We can now see all those parts to us and to try and just piece them back together...I don't think they would all fit or look too nice. Let's just melt it all away and build ourselves back WHOLE and stronger!

Trust me...I think I know completely how you feel. Even as I type this, there's that voice that's telling me it's all rubbish and I'm full of sh!t! But, we have to keep fighting THAT voice and hear our OWN voice...that is the strong part of us that keeps us coming here and working at this recovery.

Take care...and stay strong!!
tx_space
 
Bruce,

I'm there with you, man. Disassociation seems like such a pleasant state to me right now, but I know it's just a fantasy. I recently queried in a post whether the pain associated with recovery would end, and was reassured by some members that, in fact, it does. I wait for that day.

In my mind, I know I'm better off walking this path, but my body wants to go back to the fake "good old days."
 
Bruce and those of you who have already responded, you all allude to but don't state straight out that there really is no option in this. The train does not stop, so there is no getting off of it. I wanted to too, several times. But once it starts rolling, there is no return trip. And to be honest, thank goodness for that!!

I'm pretty sure I was one of those referred to by AuthenticMe, reassuring him that this work, this train, has a destination and that place is a better place. But, even after that destination is reached, there is better ahead. A true life, a real life, without secrets and lies and self-abuse, with real feelings of real love, both given and received. I am testament to that, as are others who have been riding this train for some time now.

As has been said before, we all move at different paces, from different places but if we keep moving, we'll all get to where we need to be.

I wrote the following a little over a year ago. It's amazing how often I read a post and can go directly back to my collection of writings and pull something out that hits the nail on the proverbial head. But I think this will show you that I was EXACTLY where you are now, not too long ago. And now I am in a very different place. I hope it offers you some hope - Peace - John

Things have to get worse before they get better. What a tired old clich. Tired because that's what I keep hearing from people and what I keep telling myself.

But the big secret has been out for some time. My family knows. My wife knows. My friends know. My counselor knows. My therapist knows. They've all been supportive in the best ways they know how. I've been working my hardest (my therapist says too hard, need to slow down) to learn, understand and get past all of this pain and despair for several long, agonizing months now. But every time I turn the corner, there is no better in sight, only more worse.

Now I've been diagnosed as suffering with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What's next? How much worse does it have to get before it gets better? There seems to be no end to this. Yet I keep on fighting, keep on putting on the happy face because I have to believe in the tired, old clich. There is no alternative. But I feel destined to live the rest of my days in pain and despair. It's really all I've known, except when I was in denial, not dealing with it. Those were better, more carefree times. Days when I would just be my goofy, funny self and my daughter would giggle. Now those moments are few and far between, I want them back but they are nowhere in sight.

So, despite the care, support and love from others, Despite my taking this thing head-on and not relinquishing, not letting up, standing as strong as I can and reinvigorating my already weak determination, it just keeps getting worse. I want to crawl back under my rock but that is no longer an option either. I wish I just fucking stayed there, but I was forced into dealing with this (circumstances irrelevant), I had no choice, just like I had no choice so many years ago when I was abused. Will I ever have control over what happens to me? Will I ever see better? Because I'm pretty sick and tired of worse.
 
Sinking,

Thanks so much for your insight and for sharing that previous post. It really does help very much. I realize that there is no choice about getting off the train, but that doesn't keep my old patterns of behaviour (beating myself up, feeling like I'm the "biggest piece of shit that the world revolves around") from grabbing for the emergency lever.

I'm so glad that are in a better place then when you wrote the post. Thanks so much for sharing with us. You do give me hope.
 
Authentic - Don't get me wrong. Not every day is beautiful here in my world, nor do I expect it will ever be perfect. I still struggle with my old ways, my impulse to act out sexually. I have my anxiety and nightmares (so far I've refused to take prescribed meds for my CPTSD, well, except for self-prescribed beer to help me sleep). The old habits and patterns of behavior took a long, long time to perfect, and perfect them we did. It will take a while to break them down and change how we do things...another old, tired cliche', I know, but it's true.

But things are so different. I'm not hiding anymore. I'm more open with my wife. I understand where certain behaviors and feelings come from. I'm no longer 'just fucked up', now I know why I'm fucked up and knowing not only makes it easier to accept but to make changes. I live more in the moment now, I appreciate what's going on around me and can hold those moments dear. I am HERE. I don't know where the hell I was before, but now I am HERE.

Funny that I'm sharing that phrase with you, AuthenticMe, because it came to me while I was in a Buddhist Yoga class one time (one of the two times I could get myself there). And we were in the last few moments of the class, trying to relax and meditate. I decided that, to help me clear my mind, I would create my own mantra. And that was it. I AM HERE. It started out meaning 'I made it to the class'. But its deeper meaning hit me profoundly and, for the first time in forever, I actually was able to clear my mind, except for that phrase. And I found a sense of self, a sense of presence.

Most times it's very difficult to put a finger on the changes I've made. Here's one that you'll wake up and realize one day, soon I hope. One day you will realize that you are not completely shrouded in being a victim/survivor of sexual abuse. You will not be consumed by it and that will provide a great sense of relief.

Keep up the hard work and keep leaning on those who can hold you up guys...John
 
Sinking,

That's a great story. I have glimpses of being more in the present moment, I do. Right now they are few and far between.

I like the idea of coming up with your own mantra. (Was that a Tibetan Heart Yoga class, BTW?) Part of me expects the world to be "perfect," to be able to control everything. That's the old me. The new me will be more accepting of the imperfectness of the world.

Getting there, with the help of MS and others.
 
Thankyou for all of the posts you guys. They mean a lot to me.

Just this morning before I read them, I was about to go off and do some mind-numbing, self destructive behaviour that a [few of us, sic] do from time to time. Even stopping that journey whilst I read these posts has made me see the futility in escapism. I know my mind knows I'll kick myself for it later, but my emotions tell me they still want out and I should give them the outlet they want.

Well, stuff them! They're not going to ruin my day. It's already started with me feeling like crap, but I don't really need more stuff heaped on top of me to ultimately add more to what I'm already trying to get through today.

Thankyou everybody. I'll head off now and put on a brave face at the office, be the almighty powerful person that I'm expected to be and hang in there trying not to crack up until I can go home, tell my wife I feel like crap, get a wonderful hug and support from her, crawl into bed and put the day behind me.
 
Hey Bruce,

Thankyou everybody. I'll head off now and put on a brave face at the office, be the almighty powerful person that I'm expected to be and hang in there trying not to crack up until I can go home, tell my wife I feel like crap, get a wonderful hug and support from her, crawl into bed and put the day behind me.
Click to expand...
Sometimes that is the best we are capable of doing. I've been there and will be again before this is all over. I too was really encouraged by the responses to your post. It was really moving to read John's thoughts written out long ago and hear his testimony of how things are so much better for him now. It gives me courage that I too will begin to see the same thing in my life.

Bruce, I'm glad you're here and that you had the courage to write that. Remember the song "Lean on Me"? Let's go through this thing leaning on each other. What do you say?

Courage,

John
 
I want to say something here about John's (Sinking's) feelings that it is all just getting worse.

I look back to how things were for me a few years ago. I was lumbering along in this kind of bovine tranquility, suppressing all the warning signals that things were falling apart. The denial (if that is what it was) "felt good", but it was tearing me up.

Since I have begun to deal with my issues in earnest this year, there have been times when I have thought I am reinventing the idea of pain. It just hurt so bad. But I was moving forward, and looking back now I can't believe how far I have come.

Right now I am in the middle of a new trauma, preparing for a trip to the USA to tell my father what happened when I was a boy. What I feel is just hurt, shame and guilt flying around in terrible confusion - it's pain unlike anything I have felt since I was 14. But I think this will end well - or at least that hope and the support of many wonderful people keep me clinging to that conviction and help me to keep going.

What this is showing me - again - is that pain does not mean things are getting worse, just as lack of it doesn't mean we are moving forward. I don't mean to claim that "pain is gain", just that hope and healing are often born in the dark.

Take care,
Larry
 
Larry,

Best of luck in your trip and your conversation with your father. Remember that, no matter what his reaction, this a really important step in your recovery. It may not be what you expect, but it will turn out for the better in the long run.

My thoughts are with you.
 
I told my wife about my involvement with this site a few days ago (something I had struggled to do for 3 months). She very genuinely asks each morning and night how Im doing. My response (again) this morning was crap. She sighed and said that this was probably a good thing in that as far as she was beginning to understand, I hadnt felt anything at all for so long. She understood that I had suppressed all emotions and feelings. She was so spot on.

Larry, Im there with you in your upcoming trip to your father.
 
A path unto Light

Your journey is yours,
my journey is mine,
yet we all share
the common train
- a train unto light.

Your sorrows are yours
my pains are mine
yet we all share
those common moments
of joy
when life is build, afresh.
when light is discovered, anew.

Today I know that
this train is taking me
to the Light in me
and you.

Today I know
though the journey is mine,
the path is yours
and so is the Light.
 
Morning Star, I'll take you poem and grab it assuming you wrote that for my post. Even if you didn't write it specifically you have taken the effrort to find it from somewhere and still I thankyou.

Nobody has ever done something like this for me before. Thankyou.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top