Can I ever be loved

[Mark S]

Just a brief outline to my situation. 15 years ago I found myself in hospital under the 'care' of a male nurse. I was repeatedely raped and sexually abused during my stay (I had to have life saving brain surgery). Two years later I found myself in the same hospital after an accident and again was repeatedly and brutally raped by this same nurse.

I withdrew from everyone after these assaults. I was only 17. After the first stay in hospital and my girlfriend left me, due to not being able to cope with my disability. Then two years ago I met a wonderful women. Unfortunately she was married, we started an affair (she initiated it) I didn't think anyone would want to be with me. I eventually told her about the abuse and she said it didn't make any differance, she still loved me. Two weeks ago she had planned to tell her husband her marriage was over but unfortunately for me she wasn't able to do it. She still says she loves me and wants to be with me but that she feels guilty. I wonder if she is ahamed of me as I wasn't able to stop the abuse. I can't imagine why anyone would want to be with me knowing what I've been through. I've been in therapy for 18 months it has helped, I'm due to be starting a counselling course in september but this recent episode has really thrown me, I trusted her and that's something I never thought I would do.

Sorry for babbling on, but can we as survivors of abuse ever find happiness in relationships Mark S

 

[SoCalJohn]

Mark,,

Welcome to the forums, i am glad your here, this is a good place and lots of good people here, what happened to you in the hospital is just horrible,, no other way to say it.

All you have to do in this lifetime to earn love is be born, and it looks to me like you got that done very well.

Hang in there with the therapy and keep talking,, things will keep working themselves out.

Again, Welcome to the site, this is your place too.

John

 

[Roy]

How awful to have that happen to you. As if it weren't traumatic enough to have brain surgery, then to be raped (not once, but repeatedly), and in a hospital no less where you go to be healed and treated with concern and compassion. And to have it happen again two years later!!! I was raped, too, one time at age 35 and I know how I have struggled. I can't imagine what you have been through. The fact that you're here and talking about it, not to mention continuing your education speaks volumes about the courage you possess. You have a great deal to be proud of.

Why in the world would anyone be ashamed of you? I think the situation you just described clearly demonstrates one of the effects this tragedy has had on your outlook of things. There are two realities here (probably more but for simplicity's sake, let's move on). One is what's really going on and the other is your perception of it. Sounds to me like you entered a no-win arrangement when you began the affair with this married woman. Nine times out of ten the other man or other woman comes out of these things with nothing but a broken heart. She had her excitement, maybe did fall in love with you, but now she's done and is going back to the one she has commitments to and with. You, on the other hand think this has something to do with there being something wrong with you and nothing could be further from the truth. This woman is selfish. Like most of us here, you are probably struggling with self-esteem issues, internalized shame, etc. related to being raped and abused at the hands of another. What happened to you was in no way, shape, or form your fault. Period! What happened to you could have happened to anyone. Period! Male or female. I am here, and so are many other men, to attest to the fact that men do get raped.

I never saw it coming and was in a much less vulnerable situation than the one you described. I was terrified and my fight or flight mechanism never kicked in. I was frozen and just had to wait until it was over, then pick up the pieces. It shattered me because I never imagined such a thing could happen. I'm a pretty big guy that people don't generally mess with, but it happened. Everyone in the world is at risk of being violated by such sociopaths. Unfortunately, it happened to you and me. Wrong place, wrong time, nothing more. So what is there to be ashamed of, my friend?

This terrible tragedy may have affected your ability to become truly intimate with another, and understandably so. Being raped while a patient in the hospital is one of the most vile betrayals of trust I have ever heard of! So is it any wonder you have "trust issues"? Quite possibly, you subconsciously chose a relationship with someone seemingly unavailable, being married and all. Who knew it would get this far? The good news is, the damage that was done is repairable. The bad news is, it will take awhile.

Of course you are lovable, and will find intimacy in a loving relationship once you repair the damage done to you and establish a loving relationship with yourself. The journey you are on right now will be painful at times, but will lead you to a level of consciousness and self-awareness that few attain. All of that will contribute to you becoming an extraordinary husband and father. I know you are hurting and feeling confused right now and you have my heartfelt sympathy. Stay in therapy, get to the bottom of things, and advocate for yourself when things don't seem right. Take some time for yourself, do some serious healing, and I think you will be amazed at what lies ahead for you. It gets hard at times, but you are never alone, and nothing could be as hard or painful as what you have already endured. If you would like to talk at greater length, send me a private message.

Respectfully yours,
Roy