Can Anyone Show Me Evidence I Won't Die Alone

[chairdesklamp]

ADMIN: If there's a problem with this post, let me know. You're also welcome to move it.

Go read my story.

I'm part-Asian, not "pure rape toy race." Either way, I'm vocal against that in a country where left and right wing alike love to subjugate us. Japanese Americans have even been forced by law to stop being Japanese and that and other factors of Internment and everything since causes us the highest marry out rate of any demograph here whatsoever. Most other groups who respect our humanity have really high marry in rates.

I'm also bi and trans (trans male), and both of those demographs alone are just as mistreated by cisgender/homosexual men as they are by the priveledge group.

And I grew up during the AIDS crisis, and well, read my story. I do not do One Night Stands. The junk is off limits until I know you're not gonna beat, rape, or denigrate me.

I've asked a few men with partners how to meet other men interested in long-term relationships, and they give me wishy-washy non-advice like "beyourself."I am. I'm alone.

That doesn't even speak to all the other stuff I'm dealing with. The abuse has left me with physical damage as well as PTSD. I lost a career standing up to a racist boss, and no-one will hire me for many things I can do nowadays because they use racist filters for resumes, and everyone knows now that my name is in no way Russian (what I used to say)So I can't attract with my wallet anymore. I'm a part-time janitor.

I'm mixed
I'm Asian and not willing to live in a racist submission rape fantasy
I'm bi
I'm trans
I'm poor
I'm looking for more than a quick tumble in the sheets with a stranger.
All this on top of what comes with being a male survivor.

I have absolutely zero evidence whatsoever, from online dating sites to LGBT centre groups,that I'm not gonna die alone.

They say three seconds without hope is enough to kill you--I've made it to... I first really realised all what'd happened to me in August (around my birthday which one friend here and one back in the Bay even remembered). It's March now. I don't need empty platitudes;I need what to do, how to find someone,and if anyone whose story is very similar to mine and is at least also Asian and trans and not in Asia, and did find someone, please tell me all about it.

I survived all I did because I had hope my life would be better. Necessarily including people, especially a partner who loved me. I don't have hope now. Give me a solid reason to get it back.

 

[Ceremony]

Is there a Gay/Trans/Straight alliance in your metro? I hope you're in a city, there will be far more possibilities. I know Trans Alliances are in a lot of large metros. Have you been going, will you go, if one is where you are?

I've wondered about going to a concert of a local Trans woman, which is sponsored by our local Trans Alliance. I like her music, and it would be Ok with me to go, but here's the thing, I'm married to a very unsupportive, very abusive lady. That's the first obstacle, she'll be questioning what I want to do, and be very aggressive about it. If she were to find out I went, the first thing would be to think I'm cheating, the second my sexuality. She's done this our entire marriage and I can't stand it. The other thing, let's say I go, well, I'm socially awkward. I know mostly what's Ok to speak about pronouns, and what's rude, but my experiences leave me struggling for topics outside of nature, music and home construction. I will attempt to default to home construction, because I can discuss almost anything about a home.

I tell you this to see what you think about yourself being awkward in new social settings. I feel I'm very hopeless and wish to be hand held the whole time by someone or a few who are very patient and won't mind me being boring and awkward. But, realistically, who will do that for a stranger? I think nobody.


You? Do you think so too? I don't mean about me, but how is that similar to your thinking? I kinda wish anyone might chime in about this topic of being socially awkward, because maybe it would help us both? I don't know, maybe you're the life of the party? I would be mortified.

Anyway, I hope some more talk gets going, this is a topic about loneliness, and I'm not ignoring your background, realize whom I am as I write this? I have been very open, in many replies, and I support you so much, it breaks my heart to pieces to know you're suffering. So, this post is kinda a defense to feel that, and try very hard to be positive. Ok? Please know, if I had some way, you could know how much care goes through to you from me. I just am so poor, and it's just me and words. I am not enough for anyone, just my words and awkwardness.

Oh, well, I probably messed this all up.

 

[chairdesklamp]

Music and home construction--my tapes are my best friends and I still hate that I had to leave interior tiling (back). I did repairs one day at work, and even more than home repairs, I felt so alive. I don't find janitorial degrading, per se, but I still don't ENJOY it.

I'm sort of awkward in the"let me show you how interesting and smart I am blah blah blah wait, where are you going?" way. It's worse on an all text format where you can't have companionable silence, but even the good old fashioned way, I can't do companionable silence with someone I don't know very well. It dates back to knowing I was about to get hurt when my mother made me her surrogate husband. Silence was not good. I used to never be able to have it, but I think this is as good as it gets.

There are trans support groups, but it's mostly trans women. The men there are more like boys, from mid twenties down to teens. Not peers. So it'll be me in a support group that's otherwise women and children/just- barely-not-children. And I have nothing against either, I just feel like an outsider.

Someone responding to this at all is kinda incredible for me. You didn't mess up.

I'm awkward in the way that I'm aware I'm not conventionally attractive, but I know I'm a good person and I know I at least know a lot of interesting things. But aside from how people feel here about my race and other demographs I fall into, I get worried about keeping people .. looking at me, as it were. This area is, in my landlord's words, the capital of flakiness, so most people lose interest in anyone quickly. I also know that looks and wallet matter more to a lot of people, and they really don't to me that much (none for money), and I get nervous about having to prove I'm worth it, compounded with knowing my demographs are all devalued and even with friends, having a lot of trouble with companionable silence. I don't get afraid of being hurt, but I get afraid they're done with me. They don't like me.

I've repeated a lot because I'm actually hashing this out as I talk to you.

So, yeah, I am kinda awkward. It's the verbal version of sweating bullets, I guess.

I do, though, believe I am a good person. I do have confidence in who I am overall.

I noticed you don't have confidence right now, looking at what you just said. You... I actually at first on this site, thought you were a mod. What I know of you is you're empathetic, caring, compassionate, and you generally, at least here, carry yourself very... I don't know what the word is, but you're good with people and your words. If I said"something between a jazz fusion ballad and a optimistic romantic-era piece personified," would that make any sense to you? (Romantic as in the movement after classical period, just to clarify just in case, considering the other meaning of the word). Don't be so down on yourself.