Can any good come out of "coming out" about abuse?

Can any good come out of "coming out" about abuse?
O

onefastbike

Registrant
Can anything good come of this?

As some of you have read I have written a letter to my abuser and am 80% sure I will send it to him.
Some suggested that I share that letter with those close to me.
I can truly see the benifit of sharing this letter with those close to me. The last bit of power he yields over me is the deathening fear of my secret being discovered. My "outing" myself I will take that "power" away from him.

But is that worth the possible "spin-off" effects?

I remember a few years ago a man around my age came out about assault that took placd when he was a pre-teen at Maple Leaf Gardens. It was covered nationaly because of the potential for more victims. Not long after "coming out" the poor soul was dead at his own hand.

I've had my own ideas over the last couple of years about why after hiding it and "surviving" for so many years why he would feel the need to end his life at the apex of his healing.
1) The emotional release after keeping it in for so many years was too overwhelming and short circuited his coping mechanisims.
2) Shame was too much to handle
3) ridicule from "not so sensitive" friends
4) the overwhelimg effects on family. My mother would DIE if she knew this happened to me
5) The final outcome was his plan all along.

I don't think he was employed at the time, but i do wonder about reactions of co-workers.

How can anyone ever look at you the same way again after you reveal this about yourself.

At the same time if your friends and family were understanding enough myabe this would explain why I have been such a "flake" over the years. My inability to develope deep meaningful relationships. Maybe they will forgive me for "holding myself back". For erecting these walls (that I have no idead or desire to tear down).

Some advice would be very much appreciated.
 
What are your goals?

Are you seeking to lessen the power that this incident has over your life? Well, if nothing else has worked, then exposing it as a fact for any that you choose to reaveal to is a viable option. When we talk/share about what happened to us, it's power over us is diminished.

Protecting your Mom? Let me ask you something ok? It's my understanding that you were manipulated/groomed as opposed to being outright attacked right? Well, where was your Mom or your Dad? Why didn't they tell you what to do if someone "touched" you in a certain way or made you feel uncomfortable. Why didn't they ask you "What if?" questions like: "What if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with him/her?" "What would you say to him?".

Please don't let the guilt that your parents are sure to feel stop you from revealing the truth to them, because, in my opinion, they failed in their duty to protect you in that regard. Your parents did not have the right to assume that the world was safe for you. (not trying to pick on your parents I just want you to see another possible viewpoint).

Also, consider what kind of attitude that you're going to carry around after you disclose; Drew Carey disclosed to the entire world about his abuse and I don't know exactly what he said or how he said it but I don't think, at that point in his life, that he gave a SHIT what other people thought about what he said. He needed to talk about it so he did what was best for him.

As I recall, you've been having issues recently, panick attacks, flashbacks, etc? Well, what you've done so far is GREAT ok? You've managed your life so well! Be proud of what you've done so far, you've done so much more than me. But still, something is missing/not right. Right? Closure seems so far away, like it will never materialize, I know that feeling.

Well, if you've tried EVERYTHING else, then perhaps now it's time to disclose. Just remember, the very first time you talk about it is the HARDEST, then it gets easier ok?
 
My own thinking is totally mixed, but I would avoid disclosure from what I have learned.
Sending the letter is OK, but beware of a reply if any.

ste
 
OFB - you will know when the time is right to disclose! If it feels right, then you will do it! I struggled for many years (over 3 decades with not telling anyone). When I did tell, it was not exactly within my control, but the 3 friends that I told kept it to themselves. It took another couple of years before I finally managed to tell the police, my sister and others. I only told my best friend of 37 years, and his wife (know for 32 years) after the court case was over.

People don't always know how to deal with me! That's understandable, because I don't always know how to deal with myself. Life changes after you disclose, it looses it's power, but then for me; I just started to re-evaluate everything!

People will support you, and if they don't, well that's for them to deal with!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Hi Friend,

I've "come out", as you put it, concerning my abuse. I speak out on a regular basis in a public setting to church and civic groups. There has never been a time when someone hasn't approached me afterwards and thanked me for having the courage to speak about this inspeakable subject and its effect on my life. Often they will go further and relate that my opening up in such a public manner gives them courage to face thier own abuse issues.

So in regards to your question, yes, good can come from "coming out", at least in my case. If I had any advise to give, I'd say make sure it is something you are ready to face. Don't do it just for the sake of doing it. Have a definite goal in mind. Know exactly what it is you want to accomplish. Mostly, it needs to help you in your own recovery. If it doesn't, perhaps you have more processing you need to do before you disclose to anyone.

I'd recommend reading Part 1 of this article by Ken Singer on disclosure and confrontation before making a decision on what to do.

Lots of love,

John
 
The biggest leasson I learnt from 'coming out' is don't realy on what you think others reactions will be.

I wanted my mum and dad to go and kick seven shades of crap out of my abuser. They didn't they sat there calmly and tried to explain it away. A part of me can look back now and analysis that reaction as normal. But another part felt, and still does, abandoned and unprotected by them again.

My expereince was I used chronic coping stratergies when I was hiding the abuse and acute ones when I told people. You need to be strong but then to get as far as we all have takes super human strength.

Whatever you decide we're all here for you.

All the best

Mark
 
Everything good has come from ending the silence. Not to say it hasn't been one of the toughest (if not the toughest) things I've ever done. I did it in increments - by disclosing to my wife, parents, and closest friends - to see reactions before exposing the abuse to everyone.

I realized over time that it really doesn't matter what others think or how they react and respond. That is theirs - all that is mine is healing in a healthy and honest way. I don't know if anyone will look at me the same, but the great thing is that I'm learning to not look at myself the same either.

I don't need to be in control so much anymore and I don't need to portray perfection because I have nothing to hide. Being true to ourselves can hurt and relationships will be strained, and even some lost - as we begin to fully live who we are. But living any other way isn't fully living.

Take care.
 
Ken Singer's article on this is really good - especially the part about understanding your own motivations and exactly what you want out of the confrontation.

I took the risk of confronting my father because I had very little left to lose. Since then, the past few months have been a weird mix of feeling very liberated and having to accept that I can't control the outcome of my decision.

My advice is this - confrontation and disclosure mark the beginning of a whole new set of challenges - a new era. Make sure you have a good support system in place, a lot of time and space in your life to handle some very hard emotions, and the confidence to hold your own (or turn to your allies) if/when you are attacked, ignored, etc.

My main motivation was to explain past behaviors to people that I cared about. What I tried to say fell largely on deaf ears, but there was an unexpected outcome too - my mother believed me and has supported me in a way that she never could before in my life. That has been one of the most healing experiences of my life and makes the rest worth it.

But I think, from my own experience, that the act of speaking for myself and standing up to what most terrified me was what mattered most. For the first time *in my life* I am enjoying my life in the midst of the Holiday season. Every single year of my life, I have felt crazy, out of control and worthless at this time of year. Now when I feel those things, I recognize them as memories in a way that I never, ever could have without the disclosure.

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes and think of us as your allies and part of your support system if you need to.

-Matt
 
Wow, a lot of very good responses.

I guess I would not say I've "come out" regarding my abuse. I did confront my abuser. I did this becuase, I just couldn't take it anymore. Holding it inside, only letting it be known to a few people directly involved in my recovery. When I did confront him, he reacted as I hoped... he admitted it, he took responsibiltiy for it, and he apologized. He did more also... he finally had someone to tell about how he was abused. This is something he never had the courage to do before. He told me about what happened to him and some other relatives of mine. He wasn't using this as an excuse, just telling his story. When I confronted him, I was prepared to forgive him. If he had not taken responsibility I don't know if my heart could have really done that.. forgiven.

I guess I would say that you need to really be prepared for whatever response you get, and whatever happens, because it will be out of your control. I do not know if I was prepared for the worst, but fortunately, I was lucky to get something that I know most abuse victims will never get, an apology.

This experience did give me the courage to talk to a friend openly about my abuse, who thinks his child may have abused. I do not yet know the outcome of this discussion, but I know I would have never had the courage to try and help this child, if I didn't take this first step, that was so very hard.

I hope this is of some help
and P.S. I am not "that Keith".
 
you know for the first time in my life, i can live honest. you know how good that alone feels? i dont have to hide who and what i am any more. when i came out it lifted the veil from me. i can be myself now.

the other side is the people i feel i've helped. i have no idea how many there have been, but i am open about my abuse. more than once i have had a man or woman read something i wrote on a message board, and then write me personally. i can't count how many survivors and family memebers i have sent here for information, support and answers to their questions.

i have to say that there are good things that come from coming out.
 
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