came out to dad

came out to dad
P

phoster

Registrant
Well, I told my father over the weekend. I didnt want to, but I am so sick of lying and hiding that I just told the truth. He asked why I went to the doctor, as I had told them I was going, and it just came out. When he asked me why I didnt tell him, I began shutting down. He was in Vietnam. Tell him?! He wasnt there! Besides, I couldnt tell him I liked it, and didnt want to tell. I just back pedaled and told him that I didnt think the abuse was all of it, and I dont. It is most of it though, most of what drives me into depression, and makes me hate myself.

Lets see, Ive come out to my best friend, my wife, my aunts and now my father. he has been calling me a lot now. I think he feels guilty, as he should. Both of them should. Where were they when I was spending hours in the bushes with my abuser, or in the woods and barns with the later kids? I dont hate them or anything. Hell, I love them, but they failed me then. I know they were doing their best, what they thought was right, but they failed me.

Christmas was uncomfortable, because I wasnt sure how I should feel toward them. We didnt cover much in therapy, but one subject that came up was where were they while all this was happening? Its hard facing the fact that they didnt show me the affection I needed, and the loving I needed. It is hard to know how to feel. Angry I guess, but not livid anger, rather just a deep disappointment.

The last thing I wanted on Christmas day was to come out to either of them, but I did. Fortunately, my wife interrupted us. The baby was getting fussy, and we left before it went much further than just admitting I suffered from depression, was molested, and was seeing a therapist. It was easier facing people that didnt have a stake in it, but I lived, and now the truth is out there. no more hiding
 
Phoster:

Well I did not tell my parents until the year before they both died. That was in 1999 and my abuse took place in 1957-58 and put me on the street as a hustler from 1959-61. What did they say? Well not much that did a lot for me. But for me it was like bursting a boil. It came out and I am glad it did. Just the telling was good for me. I did not start therapy until I was 56 and am 63 now and still at it.

but I lived, and now the truth is out there. no more hiding
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That is really what is important for you. I found that until I told I was locked in my own shame and self loathing for something that I had no control over. It was their shame not mine. But it kept me quiet over the years and that was to their advantage.

What you did was a courageous thing.
 
You were very courageous. Never doubt the kind of man you are.

Who you "come out" to and when is essential for recovery. I regret that I can't come out to my father (in the hospital, mind's a mess, wouldn't be sympathetic, the whole bit), but the people I have come out to have been very understanding and it's helped me a lot, because there's no more shame, no more slavery to the past, no more bad feelings about it.

There is no more hiding. You must feel very liberated!

Peace and love, brother Phoster. I am so proud of you and to know you.

Scot :D
 
thanks mikey. i'm proud of myself for coming out. just was thrown for a loop when he asked why i didnt tell him. he was controlling and abusive, and we never talked when i was a kid. i hated him back then. when i moved out, it was like he finally saw me as a man instead of a kid, and we are closer now. it has been a long hard road.
 
thank you Jim and Scott. it was liberating in many ways. i just feel like i'm through running at last, like i'm taking a stand.
 
I have told therapists and have told my partner as much as I can, a little at a time.

I can't imagine wanting to get into it with my mother. I suppose I might if my therapist said it was important.

Right now I don't want much of any kind of relationship with her. She wasn't my CSA perp but was there and didn't protect me. Instead, she was physically and emotionally abused me.

It is such a relief to have gained some distance from her that I don't want to do anything to close that gap.

I might tell my sister who is 5 years older and so was around.

My reluctance to telling my family is that I have seen what happened to a cousin when she revealed similar things about herself. My mother and sisters were very judgemental, saying she was/is lying.

Brett
 
I have come to believe that outsiders have a coping mechanism as well, denial. it is easier to believe the victim is lying than to accept that they failed you in some way. you know what? that's thier problem. i dont care who believes me anymore. i will speak my mind, and do what i have to for myself. i'll not be judged by them. if anything i should judge those that failed me. sorry, i guess this is just a sore spot for me.

i was watching one of the talk shows, and this woman was on thier that had been abused. she came out, told her mother about what was happening when she went on weekend visits to her father's. the mother talked to the father, and took his word over her own daughter's and sentenced her to more abuse until she came up pregnant with her father's baby. a dna test later, and i guess there was no denying the molestation and incest any more. i hope her mother burns every day with guilt and shame. i hope it eats her alive, because i know what that little girl went through, or at least can empathize.

i see this happen time and again, as i have heard and read stories here and other sites, and it burns me up. sorry again, didnt mean to rant. just a bit of a sore area for me, because i have seen the damage not being believed does. i think it hurts more than the actual abuse if that's possible. i feel for you cousin, and understand your aprehension. i dont know what is said behind my back, and frankly i'm sick of caring. i have laid the facts out there and they can believe me or not.
 
What you did took a lot of courage, I hope that you can realize that, when you back up a little and view what you have seen, I hope you can see yourself as brave and proud.

I told my mom some of it within the last few months, and I understand how hard it can be, especially when it 'spills out' in a way it is not meant to happen.

It is someting that you 'live through', yes. And you have. I am very proud of you.

I wished to tell you, I read your story, your history. I did not say anything of it, because simply, I did not know what to say. I still do not know I know what to say, it is amazing what you have survived, and it reinforces the wonder of what we all have survived. Thank you for having that courage to share that. I have already learned and gained from you. Thank you for helping me.

Leosha
 
Phoster,

For me, being able to tell my mother what happened to me was a sign that I had healed enough so that this was possible.

I was ready, although the circumstances weren't quite what I would have wanted, but there I was, and the truth came out.

I was really looking for information from her (which I didn't get), but this rapidly became something else.

She also said, "Why didn't you tell me?", and at one point, with tears in her eyes, she said, "You just have to get over this. Let it go."

Time froze when she said that. Every disappointment, every failure of my parents, every pain and every moment of not being seen or heard came crashing into me all at once.

Time froze and I remembered and felt dozens, hundreds of things. I remembered all the things my parents went through, the things they got over.

I remembered how no matter where I was, when something bad or uncomfortable happened, all I wanted was to get home.

I remembered how my parents used to say thoughtless, hurtful things, and when I got old enough and called them on it, they stopped.

I remembered their hopes for me, and how I trashed them, deliberately and otherwise, and how they took that in stride and then asked me "Well, what are you gonna do now, and what do you need to do it?"

Time froze, the air froze, and I actually heard the sound of a single tear from my Mom hit the newspaper on the table in front of her.

I said, "Mom, I am getting over it. That's why I can talk to you about this now."

Phoster, you were ready too. You are getting over it. And in spite of how awful it is to hear "Get over it", and especially, "Just get over it", isn't that really what we all want, isn't that what we're really all doing?

Call it what you will, "Heal, Recover, Integrate, Overcome, Reclaim, or just plain old Get Over It", it's what we're all doing, inch by inch, day by day.

I've gotten off-track some, but Phoster, you say you love your parents, and in my experience, that means that you felt love from them.

Your father may be feeling guilty, I know my Mom did. But maybe he's overwhelmed with sorrow and concern too, like my Mom was.

He may have nothing to give you, except to say "I'm Sorry." So if that's the case, don't forget that sometimes all we have, all we can hope for is "I'm Sorry", whether we are hearing it, or saying it.

I had to have several conversations with my Mom before everything was clear and OK between us, and I don't for a moment regret telling her.

My Dad died a long time ago, but before he did, I told him, in a letter, only that "something horrible" had happened to me, and how he had failed me and disappointed me when I tried to get help for what I was going through.

I don't regret that letter either. I wasn't mean or harsh, just factual. When I saw him the next time, all he could say was "I'm sorry."

I was only 22, so that really didn't mean much to me, but it was something, and he treated me differently after that, like an equal (almost).

He seemed somehow smaller and deflated when he said "I'm Sorry", and I admit I took some satisfaction in that, but I was young and angry then.

People change. People grow.It's never too late to say or hear that someone cares or loves. Just don't wait until you have to say it to the air, or a stone, or hear it only in your mind and dreams.

So that's my story and opinions on this. Sometimes people hurt us in "ordinary ways", little ways that wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't been hurt in big ways too.

Sometimes it's because they don't do something we need or expect or just want.

I always try to keep in mind the times I do the same, when all I have to offer as explanation is "I'm sorry."

Donald
 
Phoster,

Congratulations on your accomplishment. I hope it helps you in your relationships with people who now know the truth. I hope it helps you in your healing as you give up hiding.

I only disclosed to my wife when I saw our marriage in danger, and to my parents for the wrong reasons last summer. You have a lot of guts.

Thanks,

Joe
 
THat took so much courage, and is such an inspiratrion, seeing the courage you had. I am glad you are at a place where you can 'come out' and I hope it has been a release for you, as the saying goes 'confession is good for the soul,' I hope you are finding this. Good luck, and have a blessed new year.

scott
 
Phoster - please look at the positives in your situation - you have a Wife & Child. Do you realise how much of an achievement this is - so many people that have been abused as children cannot reach this scenario - they self harm, become alcoholics or just hide themselves away. You have much to live for - the only person to blame is your abuser. Please try and be positive - don't let the abuser win! Be good to yourself and your family, smile & see the sunshine (even when it's raining). Leave the thunderclouds & lightning for the abusers.
 
Guys - I am very happy and celebrating your healing from disclosing to your families. That's the way healing happens. However, life doesn't always take that route. When my abuse occurred, I was 5 through 13 years old with multiple perps. When I told my parents from 6 years old through 7 years old, I was beat, name called and held responsible for my own abuse. Then 30 years later, I attempted to approach the subject with my parents for some closure and peace before they died. They name called and blamed me for my own abuse all over again. But, this last time I confronted them for me and it didn't matter how they responded. It would have been helpful and healing if they empathized but it wasn't gonna happen. If your family doesn't respond supportively, as some might, you are still a survivor and did it despite them.

Again, I rejoice with those whose families do respond supportively and positively and just wanted those, lurking-reading-searching, to know it doesn't have to seriously affect your recovery if they don't.

Howard
 
Thanks everyone. I dont regret telling him, but I wish I could do it differently, at a time when I was better prepared. I just finished reading Abused Boys, and have a better grasp of the overall picture. Certainly, coming out is important to develop a support network, and to recovery efforts. But it is important to measure coming out, and to do it with power and surety. I came out because I was cornered, and then didnt say what I wanted and needed to.

Hunter warns against throwing it out there to just anyone, and I believe I needed to do it differently. On the bright side, it is out there now, and that is a step in the right direction. Now I have to work on settling it, when I am ready. I need to address my own feelings first, so that I can deal with how he reacts and feels.

Phos
 
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