Call a spade a spade

Call a spade a spade
P

PiePro

Registrant
I am a new member that does not like the term "perp"! I prefer calling men or women that sexually abuse children pedophiles. This reminds me that the man that abused me was a sick, sexual deviant, who got excited mainly with children.

The majority of these pedophiles do not suffer from what they did, and, in most cases, are not interested in changing because they cannot. Medication and therapy has little effect on most of them. I have no time for them. I made sure that the pedophile that victimized me was denounced, so that he did not abuse again. I left to a few responsible adults the responsibility to "keep him in check".

I prefer to spend my time learning to live with the baggage the victimization left me.

I am getting use to the way things are said in here. I am very carefull not to use the words "we", "our" when posting. I use the "I" as often as I can to communicate what I am living. I cannot presume that all male survivors all alike.

I do not have any answers on how to live life in general. PTSD has left me extremely insecure. I panic very easily. I can only share on what has worked for me, and what has not. I only hope that this, in some way, helps others.

I know that the experiences of other men sharing will also help me.
 
I agree, although my patented term for the monsters who abuse children would not be able to be used in most situations probably.

What is it with political correctness and euphamisms for upsetting terms? Pedophile. Doesn't 'philic' or some varient mean 'love' or 'lover' in Latin? (Or maybe Greek, I am not such a linguist person) So Pedophile would translate roughly to 'lover of children' or some such sh*t? Uck. I suppose 'death row' could be viewed as 'custodial containment center for those who unappointedly alter life expectancy'.

:rolleyes: Pedophiles. *)(*#$!@#@!#)_$

leosha
 
A rose by any other name...

Lions, tigers, and bears. Oh my! It is not the word so much as the context which betrays the words intention. Allegory, allusion, and comparison are tools that make it easier for us to express our meaning.

You could go thru your whole life being a pedophile without ever sexually abusing a child. But not if youre a perp. The word describes the action, not the predisposition.

I like words such as we and our because they tend to help previously isolated individuals identify as members of a group, sharing a common experience. Not the same experience in detail, but in essence.

Dont concern your self with how things are said here. Speak with your own voice. If you are honest we/I will hear you. You could learn all of the abbreviations and become a master speaker of MS lingo. But ugly beasts and wild animals will still chase you thru your dreams and signify the horrors of your abused past.

You see, if you call a spade a spade, you could make an enemy in a neighborhood that you hadnt ever intended to visit. Its like the pot calling the kettle black...we just dont want to go there.
 
20 years ago I told my sister that I had been abused by her husband. She ran to a priest and I was called in. The priest was appalled that I had told my sister. " You don't do things like that" I remember him saying. I was also accused of being stupid and crazy by others for talking. I stopped talking for 15 years.

Today I need to express myself without being judged.

I need to talk about what I am going through. I honestly that using "we" and "our" when expressing myself is a way to avoid any emotional response I might have.

I cannot avoid my emotions any more.
 
Perp, predator, beast or pedophile, they all trigger me what ever you call them.

They left me as a broken child to suffer in my childhood and ruin my adult life. For each child they get, it is another childs life they take.

My life is similar to living in my own prison of poisoned existence with all the associated mental and physical problems.

It is only now after so many years, that I can really face it head on, and try and make it a little better for the future,

ste
 
PiePro, this is the place to let it all out. Express away, if you need that. I dont like the "we, us" thing either, probably the same reason. Fear for speaking for others. But, I like that it may help those less inclined to speak for themselves.

Would people usually think of you as having a "flat emotion"? That is "expressionless", stoic? I read this was one of the many SA survivor traits. They do this because they cant trust others with their feelings. They dont want to be vulnerable. While this describes the "typical male", it's effect is more pronounced in abused males. Always business, no time for small talk.

That is me, all the way. But, hey! I'm working on it.

Thanks for sharing.
Phil
 
Leosha
Your command of our language is better than you give yourself credit for, along with its Latin roots.

Mike Lew is someone else who doesn't pedophile because it does literally translate as 'child lover'.
He uses Pedoscale ( sp? ) which I think translates as child abuser.

But I don't relate this to belittle or critisize PiePro, far from it. Everyone has their own ideas and feelings about the words and language they use when talking about their emotions and feelings when it comes to talking about our abuse.
It's VERY important for us to be able to use our kind of language, and I certainly hope that we at MS will always understand that.

Dave
 
Piepro wrote:
The majority of these pedophiles do not suffer from what they did, and, in most cases, are not interested in changing because they cannot. Medication and therapy has little effect on most of them.
Click to expand...
As a professional working with abusers and male survivors for over 25 years, I have to clarify what Piepro wrote. First of all, pedophile is a technological term referring to those over the age of 16 who have a strong, reoccuring urge to be involved with children under the age of 12. If you were abused by an older person who was less than 16, he or she was not a pedophile. If you were abused past the age of 12 (in other words were pubescent), your abuser was not a pedophile. This term should not be cast about without knowing what its meaning is.

While it may upset some, in my experience with more than 2000 adult and juvenile sexual abusers, few have re-offended when treated with sex offense-specific therapy. You may not be happy to hear that but it means that those who have been caught and given treatment to address the sexual offending, have a much lower likelihood to abuse others.

They do not feel good about what they have done. They do not want to continue the behaviors (except for the really hard core, especially the delusional "boy lover" types.)

Good treatment for survivors means letting go of the power that the memories of the abuse have on you. It doesn't mean to forgive and forget. It means to reduce the power that the abuser has over you. Part of that reduction is to not give them the power that you give them when you make them monsters and superhuman. They are often just pathetic human beings who misuse others to get their needs met.

Think back to earlier times when you were perhaps bullied by older or bigger kids. As long as you put them in a position of being so much stronger/bigger than you, they could intimidate you. Once you realize they are just scared and inadequate kids, their power diminished. It is the same with sexual abusers.

Piepro, while I understand your classifying them as pedophiles and monsters (in the words of others), you give them power that keeps them bigger than you. They are/were bullies. And with bullies, once you show them you are not afraid of them, they back down.

When you demonize them, you give them more power than they deserve.

Ken
 
I do not like the term pedophile myself, it is a false word as pointed out above. The root words mean Child lover. Which in my eyes is a falsehood. They don't love children. They rape and steal innocence. Perp is as good a word as any, so is molestor, scumbag or alot of other words I can think of. I just never liked the word pedophile. too clinical to be honest.
 
Ken,

Let's assume that you have a 10 year old boy or girl. Would you let one of the men you successfuly treated babysit your child?
 
Pie:
That question is sort of like the question 1988 Democratic presidential candidate, Michael Dukakis got in a debate-- "If your wife were raped and killed, would you still be opposed to the death penalty?"

First, my kids are now 28 and 25. When they were younger, we taught them about safety, including good touch/bad touch, being assertive to say no, that it was not just strangers who might do things to them, etc. This included babysitters.

To respond to your hypothetical, I know that abusers are generally known to the victim. Aside from a very small number of disturbed impulsive abusers, the vast majority premeditate the abuse, even if the victim just happens to be a stranger in the wrong place at the wrong time.

If I were treating an abuser, whether a pedophile or not, babysitting would be off limits to him. Not because there is a high risk that s/he would impulsively abuse again, but because that is a high risk situation that s/he should not be in. Period.

Does that mean that an abuser who has done sex offense-specific treatment is still a risk to re-offend? Yes. But if the person has done good treatment and uses the tools he was given through treatment, the risk of recidividsm is greatly lowered.

I tell the persons I treat that whether or not they think they will ever re-offend is not the question. They just cannot be in a situation where there might be a perception that they were inappropriate. This means, for example, taking the babysitter home by yourself is not ok because all the teen needs to do is misperceive that something you said or did was an attempt to abuse. The temptation to do something may also be there, so don't take a chance on that.

I'm not sure if what you wanted was a simple yes or no. It is a complicated issue but I would say that I would trust the majority of abusers I've treated over the years provided they and my kid knows the deal.

Remember, it is the ones out there who have not been caught who are more likely to be the danger than the ones we know about.

By the way, my office is in my home and I see clients here, both abusers and survivors. I have met a few individuals whom I would not want in my home and I have seen them in another office. But the vast majority do not pose me or my wife harm.

Ken
 
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