But what do I ask them for? What should I be asking for?

[Born to Resist]

I'm not sure what to ask from people to help me recovery? This past year I went into depression mode. This time I decided to tell people close to me about my CSA from a male cousin and 2 female babysitters when I was 4 and 5. I told 2 good friends and one of my cousins who is like a brother to me. I even gave them the chapter from Victims No Longer for allies of survivors and told them about this websites discussion board for friends and family. Then I told my sister, brother n law and my parents and recently gave them the book of Victims No Longer. As well as told them about the discussion board. Theyve read or are reading the materials Ive provided. Although theyve been supportive, they really dont know how to help me. By coincidence at my parents church they had a 6-week, once a week, workshop on childhood abuse. My parents are attending the workshop. All in all everyone wants to help me and are being supportive. I feel awkward around them and half the time it becomes an extension of my therapy sessions.

For their support Ive been extremely appreciative. My mind went crazy at all the negative things they could have said or did, but fortunately all the extreme negative scenarios I tried to anticipate didnt happen. What a relief!!!!

A large part of my defense mechanism is to strive to be emotionally independent, minimize trusting and letting people help me I dont know what to ask them for help what can they do? I still try and keep them distant. Im still trying to get out of my depress state and address all the things I have let go in my life. Im usually ultra responsible with stuff like rent/cleaning/mail/appointments/work, but its still a struggle to get motivated to get things done. As I type this I feel the hate and resentment of having to depend on someone it burns to think and feel how I hate for someone to take care of me but yet want some help.

But what do I ask them for? What should I be asking for?

 

[roadrunner]

Born to Resist,

I know this will sound like a silly answer, but I would say you should ask for what you need.

This isn't easy if you suffer from depression, and it's even rougher if you are a survivor. Part of the problem, at least for me, is even recognizing that I need help. I just don't SEE it sometimes. Perhaps we pretend there are no needs that others can fill, but that can't be right.

Try making the effort to take note of needs as they come up. For example, isn't it great when a close family member asks how you are doing and encourages you? My wife asks all the time how I am doing and how my meds are working out, and that helps me so much - so I tell her that. My sister, "The Rock" , is very caring, and I let her know how much that helps me and how much I need her support. That's her signal that this is something she can do. I have some friends who know, and they have been great as well...but only after I got the message across that sometimes I need to talk.

I never found asking for help to be easy, so I'm not surprised you resent the idea. I think the problem is that asking means we have to let go a bit and trust people others more. But that's what we did when we were kids; we trusted others and depended on them for our welfare, and look how that turned out. Maybe it's also a "guy thing": a "real man" should be strong, self-sufficient, a provider, whatever. Perhaps asking for help sticks in our craw because it implies weakness and flies in the face of these kinds of expectations that we set up for ourselves.

So here we come full circle I guess. We all have needs, and perhaps for survivors the trick is just to admit what they are. Our needs will be different, of course, but they are all around us every day.

Take care,
Larry