burden

[tone]

I feel overwhelmed by the responses i got. I don't know any of you, i don't know why you want to listen to me. I have many questions, many doubts, about this place, about all of you. But i have to keep coming back cause i got nowhere else to turn. I am so used to lying that it is difficult to find myself in here. I am so scared. I am alone with myself for the first time, and I don't know who I am. The other part of me that is in charge of day to day operations, the part of me I thought I was, seems like an empty shell with no personality per say. I am a 36 year old kid. I am a little child in a 6'2" &230pound body. Tears roll down where there were none for all my life. I feel needy. Maybe this is all a ploy , maybe I am making this up so that i can get attention from people, maybe i imagined. So many doubts and yet the feeling that something is really wrong.
I am not making much sense but this is how it's coming out of me, to be able to read this as if written by someone else, what a strange feeling.

 

[RJD]

Your writing makes perfect sense to me. You're in the right place.

When my wife leaves for work and I'm home alone, I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel powerless and abandoned.

I know this feeling goes back to my childhood. When my mother left for work, my older brother had his way,... unstopped.

There are things to be cautious about on these pages because they are so public, anyone can come here. That is why it is good to remain anonymous. The brotherhood of survivors is the redeeming grace here and it is absolutely amazing, and this now includes you too.

Know that you are not alone here.

Your tears are welcomed here and are honored. You are a man among men. Bless you.
---- be gentle with yourself

 

[michaelb]

i feel exactly like you do....like i'm caught in perpetual childhood....to be honest, it has become such a part of me, i'm uncertain i'll ever be able to escape it and to be totally honest, i'm not certain i want to.....my magical thinking which most children outgrow by age 5 remains intact, even though i see myself as the cause of every problem i have as well as many of the problems in the world, but i guess in ways it gives me a certain sense of peace as well.....i do not want to grow up because i have never really been a child....when the abuse starts so young and is repeated and intensified over a number of years, there is not much left inside...i know there is not much left inside me except for this big child-like creature that i consider a freak of nature....not a man, not a child......just void......

i have set out on a self destructive mission to destroy this freak of nature.....just feel i must be punished until i destroy this freak...........

 

[Lloydy]

Tone
you make sense to me, and many others here.

Many of us feel, or felt, exactly like you do now. Rest assured that you're not alone, it's a sad fact that there are many of us struggling with the effects of SA. But once we've made the decision to get help, like you have by talking here, then you'll find that we all stick together to support each other.
Tone, the support here is real.

What you've done here is possibly the bravest thing you've done so far, telling someone you were abused as a kid is so hard. I waited 31 years and told my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary, that's how long I carried the bastards secret !
And breaking the secret is the most powerful thing we can do, what they told you, threatened you with, to make you keep the secret was lies. I was told that nobody would ever believe me, but they did believe me. The people who loved and trusted me believed me.

We believe you, we will listen to you. Why ? because we know what it's like to have our childhoods wrecked, to live our adult lives behind lies, to not believe in or trust ourselves.

There is a life after abuse, and it's ok - in fact it's better than ok, it's good.
Getting there isn't easy, especially on your own. But with support, and good therapy, it's a damn sight easier.

Stick around, you're NOT alone here.

Dave