Bump in the Road
I need to ask our survivors a question and I'm not quite sure how to explain all this so please, bear with me, I really don't have anywhere else to turn about this at the moment. 
As some of you remember, my fiance is a survivor of horrific abuse in his childhood and up until a few months ago he was making great strides. We've been over a year suicide and depression free and he's overcome some major sexual dysfunction - but we've stumbled into new territory that, sadly, I'm not having an easy time dealing with.
We don't live in the same state, we have a long distance relationship right now until his job training is done this summer. He's all set to move up here then, has the job assignment and everything. Normally, in the three years we've now been together, ever month or so, we'd fly back and forth to spend some time with each other, even to be part of therapy sessions if necessary.
This winter was particular busy and tough. I work for the courts and we had a ton of business to contend with. He works in law enforcement so he had a plethora of stuff to do too so we didn't really make any plans to get together. I was given some paid days off in June and I thought this would make him happy. I told him I'd be coming down and for the first time, ever, he freaked. He got upset and started crying and told me that he wasn't "ready to see me again". This totally caught me off guard - we've been getting together regularly for three years now and before that we saw each other anyway because I was one of his brother's friends. The last time we were together was in December, at Christmas and we had a wonderful time. Now, without warning, he can't be around me all of a sudden?
He couldn't explain what he meant. I asked him if he was cheating on me or wanted to break up or whatever and that made him furious. How could I even suggest such a thing? I asked him to explain what he meant then, why couldn't he see me all of a sudden? He said that the thought of being in the same room at the same time with me was giving him panic attacks. I wasn't sure if I should be hurt or insulted. Actually I was little of both. Not to mention very confused.
Soon after that he refused to use the webcam anymore. He'll turn the cam on when we're online together, he'll hold up the cats or something he wants me to see, his brother or sister will stop by and wave but he refuses to get in front of the camera. His sister got married and he wouldn't let anybody take his picture. He told his brother that he didn't "want to be seen". He then stopped sending me pictures. We used to trade of pics a couple of times a week and he won't do that anymore. He still expects me to but he won't.
So, the past month has been very odd. He's all excited about moving in July, he can't wait for us to be closer. I asked him, how are we going to do that if you can't stand to be in the same room with me? He said it would just be easier to deal with if I was in closer proximity. Last night I mentioned June again, I'm still going down there, basically because I have some work to do in the area related to my book release, I asked him if he was still planning on not seeing me. He said, yet again, that he wasn't ready.
His therapist says this is "normal". After three years of dealing with the handywork of his mother's evil I know there's nothing really "normal" with a PTSD situation but I'm having a very hard time dealing with this one.
So, I ask our survivors, is this something that happens during recovery? Is it some kind of agoraphobia thing? Why all of a sudden wouldn't he want to see the woman he loves? We don't talk any less, nothing else has changed between us but this one thing and in all honesty, I'm beginning to resent the fact that everybody else can see him but I'm not allowed to anymore? What is up with that?
I'm sure it's wrong of me to think so selfishly but Lord, I've been there for this man repeatedly, time and again. I was there when nobody in his family gave a shit! I've been through suicide attempts and vein grafts and nightmares and depression and tears and pain and endless nights up crying with him on the phone as he's worked his way through what his mother and step-father did to him and now, all of a sudden, he can't be in the same room with me? That's just wrong. . .
Have any of you heard of anything like this? Is this totally abnormal or is it something a survivor goes through as part of the healing process? If I understood why he was doing it I probably wouldn't have such a hard time with it but the fact that I'm left here twisting in the wind is really messing with my head and it's actually making me angry and he, of course, doesn't feel I have a right to be angry. I'm not "letting him get better" by questioning it. I'm sorry, but when his getting better is becoming detrimental to the woman he supposedly loves there's a problem there.
Am I over reacting here or is this something I should be seriously worried about? Or is this something that needs to run its course and how the heck are we going to even live in the same place at the same time if he doesn't want to even be around me?
As some of you remember, my fiance is a survivor of horrific abuse in his childhood and up until a few months ago he was making great strides. We've been over a year suicide and depression free and he's overcome some major sexual dysfunction - but we've stumbled into new territory that, sadly, I'm not having an easy time dealing with.
We don't live in the same state, we have a long distance relationship right now until his job training is done this summer. He's all set to move up here then, has the job assignment and everything. Normally, in the three years we've now been together, ever month or so, we'd fly back and forth to spend some time with each other, even to be part of therapy sessions if necessary.
This winter was particular busy and tough. I work for the courts and we had a ton of business to contend with. He works in law enforcement so he had a plethora of stuff to do too so we didn't really make any plans to get together. I was given some paid days off in June and I thought this would make him happy. I told him I'd be coming down and for the first time, ever, he freaked. He got upset and started crying and told me that he wasn't "ready to see me again". This totally caught me off guard - we've been getting together regularly for three years now and before that we saw each other anyway because I was one of his brother's friends. The last time we were together was in December, at Christmas and we had a wonderful time. Now, without warning, he can't be around me all of a sudden?
He couldn't explain what he meant. I asked him if he was cheating on me or wanted to break up or whatever and that made him furious. How could I even suggest such a thing? I asked him to explain what he meant then, why couldn't he see me all of a sudden? He said that the thought of being in the same room at the same time with me was giving him panic attacks. I wasn't sure if I should be hurt or insulted. Actually I was little of both. Not to mention very confused.
Soon after that he refused to use the webcam anymore. He'll turn the cam on when we're online together, he'll hold up the cats or something he wants me to see, his brother or sister will stop by and wave but he refuses to get in front of the camera. His sister got married and he wouldn't let anybody take his picture. He told his brother that he didn't "want to be seen". He then stopped sending me pictures. We used to trade of pics a couple of times a week and he won't do that anymore. He still expects me to but he won't.
So, the past month has been very odd. He's all excited about moving in July, he can't wait for us to be closer. I asked him, how are we going to do that if you can't stand to be in the same room with me? He said it would just be easier to deal with if I was in closer proximity. Last night I mentioned June again, I'm still going down there, basically because I have some work to do in the area related to my book release, I asked him if he was still planning on not seeing me. He said, yet again, that he wasn't ready.
His therapist says this is "normal". After three years of dealing with the handywork of his mother's evil I know there's nothing really "normal" with a PTSD situation but I'm having a very hard time dealing with this one.
So, I ask our survivors, is this something that happens during recovery? Is it some kind of agoraphobia thing? Why all of a sudden wouldn't he want to see the woman he loves? We don't talk any less, nothing else has changed between us but this one thing and in all honesty, I'm beginning to resent the fact that everybody else can see him but I'm not allowed to anymore? What is up with that?
I'm sure it's wrong of me to think so selfishly but Lord, I've been there for this man repeatedly, time and again. I was there when nobody in his family gave a shit! I've been through suicide attempts and vein grafts and nightmares and depression and tears and pain and endless nights up crying with him on the phone as he's worked his way through what his mother and step-father did to him and now, all of a sudden, he can't be in the same room with me? That's just wrong. . .
Have any of you heard of anything like this? Is this totally abnormal or is it something a survivor goes through as part of the healing process? If I understood why he was doing it I probably wouldn't have such a hard time with it but the fact that I'm left here twisting in the wind is really messing with my head and it's actually making me angry and he, of course, doesn't feel I have a right to be angry. I'm not "letting him get better" by questioning it. I'm sorry, but when his getting better is becoming detrimental to the woman he supposedly loves there's a problem there.
Am I over reacting here or is this something I should be seriously worried about? Or is this something that needs to run its course and how the heck are we going to even live in the same place at the same time if he doesn't want to even be around me?
