Building unpenetratable permanent wall
This past week has literally been hell and has me re-evaluating myself my life and really who I am as a person today and I am not happy with who I am and where my life is now.
The situation I have been posting about lately was a person I spent time with in group homes such as Boys Town in Florida and this person and I spent time together and got to be very close over time we practically lived in the same area except in seperate dorms.This person and I lost touch when this person moved from Florida to Omaha,Nebraska to another campus of this organization we at that point lost all communication we were writing at the time then all of a sudden all letters stopped and we were at that point seperated by time and distance and roughly 1500 miles as this person moved from Nebraska to Chicago and managed to have 5 kids and then managed to move back to Florida.At one time she told me that I was "harsh" by telling this person to get out of my life which I honestly wish I would never had said as now this person won't let go of how I treated situations in the past along with this person.
The thing for me is literally the past for me is almost a complete blur as things in the past are sketchy at best in my mind after the abuse and being taken away by the state of florida and placed into foster care.This person that I speak of was a very close person I could talk to about what was happening in my life at that time and recently this person saught me out by getting a private investigator to find me along with her father who is ex-law enforcement and has access to certain records and luckily for this person I was not too hard to find and this person was waiting for the right time to enter my life as this person knows the status of the relationship with a current spouse I am in the process of going to counseling with due to situations in the marriage that would raise red flags such as spousal abuse from my spouse as this person looses all control when this person gets angry while in a heated argument things turn violent.
I have been in contact with the other person that I still care very deeply for after the phone conversation about the situation with this person leaving/moving to Chicago where this person somewhat grew up there was a confrontation in a walmart parking lot just this past weekend between this person my spouse and myself as things got heated between my spouse and I in regard to the way my spouse feels about the feelings I have for the other person and how I have told my spouse I want a divorce due to the fact that I really want out of the abusive marriage that I am not happy in and I want to be with this other person I care for and this confrontation was heated and emotional at the same time as things turned to several different subjects including my past and supposedly that I have "issues" I need to deal with still and also as well my spouse and I are at a road block as to having kids because of what is going on in the marraige and really how i am feeling toward my spouse doctor jeckel and mr.hide comes out during a fight or heated discussion but on the other hand my spouse turns nice as can be after the fight and a day later and expect for me to just be all rosy and forget everything.
Lately spouse and I have had several heated arguments about having kids due to some of my fears from the past lets just call them ghosts to be safe the ghosts that most of us face or have faced well I am at that point and am being forced to make a decision as to whether or not I want to have kids or loose my marraige as my spouse is not willing to compromise on anything and how my spouse feels about wanting kids.My spouse does not understand completely my past even though my spouse knows I was sexually abused as a child by a family member who I looked up to so I have those ghosts haunting me and I really have never dealt with them since the abuse and now the subject is very raw due to me never having dealt with these pandoras boxes.
Have been feeling very hurt as I thought the one person who I love and care for very deeply felt the same about me after finding me out of concern this person was told I had committed suicide when we lost touch and that was one primary reason for finding me and the other was this person wanted out of a 13 year bad/controlling/abusive relationship and I believe this person wanted to be with me and now out of the clear blue changes everything and to tell me that this person never wants to hear from me again but yet on the other hand days later confronts both me and my spouse while we were out shopping due to fighting while in public and this person wanted to have it out with primarily me as this person thought I was being verbally abusive by the way I was talking with my spouse and also to remind me of things in my past that has been buried for many years now that all is coming back to the surface now that this person re-entered my life.
I am so tired of being hurt and also having ghosts from the past re-surface back in my life to remind me of things I thought I had left in the past that has been buried for so long however on the other hand I don't know maybe this is a wake up call to me after letting things fall by the wayside for so long maybe it is officially time to deal with ghosts from the past so I can cope and maybe make it through the present but only if i recreate the walls that were at one time unpenetratable this is the only way I for see me making it through without trying to take my life with alchohol and prescribe pain narcotics as I have been conteplating letting my life go this week with all the hurt and the physical healing and dealing with cancer and the haunts from the past and the present it is just all to overwhelming lately and really having a hard time seeing eye to eye with myself and everything going on in my life I have just been feeling like letting go but somehow things or people and situations won't allow me to completely let go even though I still want to.It has helped to know that I have people whom I have never met responding to me and trying to help me through I really am grateful to have a place like this and people who really do understand at least somehow and somewhat of what I feel.
The situation I have been posting about lately was a person I spent time with in group homes such as Boys Town in Florida and this person and I spent time together and got to be very close over time we practically lived in the same area except in seperate dorms.This person and I lost touch when this person moved from Florida to Omaha,Nebraska to another campus of this organization we at that point lost all communication we were writing at the time then all of a sudden all letters stopped and we were at that point seperated by time and distance and roughly 1500 miles as this person moved from Nebraska to Chicago and managed to have 5 kids and then managed to move back to Florida.At one time she told me that I was "harsh" by telling this person to get out of my life which I honestly wish I would never had said as now this person won't let go of how I treated situations in the past along with this person.
The thing for me is literally the past for me is almost a complete blur as things in the past are sketchy at best in my mind after the abuse and being taken away by the state of florida and placed into foster care.This person that I speak of was a very close person I could talk to about what was happening in my life at that time and recently this person saught me out by getting a private investigator to find me along with her father who is ex-law enforcement and has access to certain records and luckily for this person I was not too hard to find and this person was waiting for the right time to enter my life as this person knows the status of the relationship with a current spouse I am in the process of going to counseling with due to situations in the marriage that would raise red flags such as spousal abuse from my spouse as this person looses all control when this person gets angry while in a heated argument things turn violent.
I have been in contact with the other person that I still care very deeply for after the phone conversation about the situation with this person leaving/moving to Chicago where this person somewhat grew up there was a confrontation in a walmart parking lot just this past weekend between this person my spouse and myself as things got heated between my spouse and I in regard to the way my spouse feels about the feelings I have for the other person and how I have told my spouse I want a divorce due to the fact that I really want out of the abusive marriage that I am not happy in and I want to be with this other person I care for and this confrontation was heated and emotional at the same time as things turned to several different subjects including my past and supposedly that I have "issues" I need to deal with still and also as well my spouse and I are at a road block as to having kids because of what is going on in the marraige and really how i am feeling toward my spouse doctor jeckel and mr.hide comes out during a fight or heated discussion but on the other hand my spouse turns nice as can be after the fight and a day later and expect for me to just be all rosy and forget everything.
Lately spouse and I have had several heated arguments about having kids due to some of my fears from the past lets just call them ghosts to be safe the ghosts that most of us face or have faced well I am at that point and am being forced to make a decision as to whether or not I want to have kids or loose my marraige as my spouse is not willing to compromise on anything and how my spouse feels about wanting kids.My spouse does not understand completely my past even though my spouse knows I was sexually abused as a child by a family member who I looked up to so I have those ghosts haunting me and I really have never dealt with them since the abuse and now the subject is very raw due to me never having dealt with these pandoras boxes.
Have been feeling very hurt as I thought the one person who I love and care for very deeply felt the same about me after finding me out of concern this person was told I had committed suicide when we lost touch and that was one primary reason for finding me and the other was this person wanted out of a 13 year bad/controlling/abusive relationship and I believe this person wanted to be with me and now out of the clear blue changes everything and to tell me that this person never wants to hear from me again but yet on the other hand days later confronts both me and my spouse while we were out shopping due to fighting while in public and this person wanted to have it out with primarily me as this person thought I was being verbally abusive by the way I was talking with my spouse and also to remind me of things in my past that has been buried for many years now that all is coming back to the surface now that this person re-entered my life.
I am so tired of being hurt and also having ghosts from the past re-surface back in my life to remind me of things I thought I had left in the past that has been buried for so long however on the other hand I don't know maybe this is a wake up call to me after letting things fall by the wayside for so long maybe it is officially time to deal with ghosts from the past so I can cope and maybe make it through the present but only if i recreate the walls that were at one time unpenetratable this is the only way I for see me making it through without trying to take my life with alchohol and prescribe pain narcotics as I have been conteplating letting my life go this week with all the hurt and the physical healing and dealing with cancer and the haunts from the past and the present it is just all to overwhelming lately and really having a hard time seeing eye to eye with myself and everything going on in my life I have just been feeling like letting go but somehow things or people and situations won't allow me to completely let go even though I still want to.It has helped to know that I have people whom I have never met responding to me and trying to help me through I really am grateful to have a place like this and people who really do understand at least somehow and somewhat of what I feel.