Brothers

Brothers
WalkingSouth

WalkingSouth

***Possible Triggers***

OK embarrassment here right at the start. I didn't intend the title of this thread to be BROTHERS. I intended the greeting to be that. LOL Rich, you really need to make room for me in your title of the MS technopeasant :rolleyes:

I just found out today that our family is to receive a visit tomorrow from my wife's sister in law and her 3 children.

There is quite a story behind this situation. A couple of months after my own memories of CSA began to hit, my wife's brother was arrested and confessed to raping, photographing, and distributing pictures of his 6-8 year old son on the internet. The perp has been convicted and sentenced to 7 years in Federal and 8 years in State prisons.

The older 2 children were not touched. Long story as to why but really doesn't figure into this discussion.

My problem is this:

When the sister in law and our niece and nephews show up in our home tomorrow, what should I say to them? I don't want to ignore the fact that they no longer have a father in their life or for the youngest one that he's had terrible things happen to him (he is in counseling). Should we just have normal conversation? Should I ask them how they feel about the things that have happened in their lives? Should I just leave it alone? We were never particularly close due to the distance between our homes. Our families saw each other twice a year maybe.

My gut feeling is to just act "normal", but I have acted that way all my life, ignoring everything. Now I'm in a place where I'm not sure of the boundaries. I don't want to ignore things if they perhaps are wishing some interaction regarding the issues in their lives, nor do I want to bring things up leading to embarrassment for them.

I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Lots of love,

John
 
John,

I think you should just be John tomorrow.

If something needs to be said u will know the right words and timing for them. It will happen if it is suppose too.

They need your love and u have "Lots of Love" espically for this little boy who was abused.

- Healing Inside
 
John,

Kids can be very perceptive.

I have a feeling that if you get the chance and say to the youngest "You know, I do know how you feel because the same (similar) things happened to me"

and just leave it at that.

How you would word it I dont know exactly, but I have a feeling that it may help.

Its one of those, at the perfect moment it will work. Force it and it would be a MASSIVE mistake.

It is only our hang ups that stop us relating to kids. Like I said they CAN be so very perceptive, he may welcome the fact that someone he knows also has been through the same/understands his feelings.

Its only a thought.........
 
John,

I know that this answer sounds very simplistic but it has worked for me.

Just love them and let happen what will. Go slow, if you feel the urge to say or do something, before you act, ask yourself what is motivating that feeling. If you are doing it for you it may be a good time to keep quiet. Think, go slow and above all, give them all the love they can handle but no more. Watch for signs that tell you they've had enough.

Hang in there and remember you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you

Darrel
 
John, this whole situation I would think is about making sure the kids feel comfortable. I would suggest that everyone just act like loving, supportive relatives. Maybe take the mother aside and ask her for guidance. If the children bring up the topic, be sure the mother is there to act as a bridge. I'm not sure that bringing up your own abuse is a good idea. A child hearing that his uncle was sexually abused might just add to the confusion and fear in my opinion. What is he supposed to do with that information? An adult can identify, empathize, sympathize and support without sharing his own pain. This should be all about the children having as normative and comfortable a visit as possible.
Peace, Andrew
 
John,

this situation is hard, but I have met with it before, and I was still a child at the time.

An abuser uncle visited with his young son, who I knew had been abused on many occasions.

I remember acting just like any other meeting with family, but would not go near my abusive uncle.
He must have sensed that I knew something was going on.

Try and be just normal with them all, and pay no special attention to any one of them.

ste
 
ste, Andrew, Darrel, JZ, and Jim,

Heartfelt thanks for your concern and advise. I have read them all and appreciate it so much.

The family will arrive a couple hours from now. Since I posted about this last night, it has hit me square between the eyes that I may have a difficult time even holding it together during the visit or at least when they first arrive. Whatever the case, I will be OK. May have to leave the room briefly, but I'll be alright.

I think just normal interaction such as table/board games etc. will be the best thing. It'll be something fun that can be enjoyed by everyone. I'll follow their lead on talking about stuff.

Thanks again guys. I've really come to appreciate every one of you.

Lots of love,

John
 
John,

I would play it by ear on how the children are doing. If their is a moment tell them if they need to talk you are always here for them. You could also let the youngest child or the whole family know that you have been abused. Also let them know that if their ever want to talk they can always talk with you. Let the youngest child know he is not alone and their are alot of people that have been abused and it was not their fault. You know the we all love you you are a good young man just give him alot of postives.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Hi guys,

Thought I'd tell you a how things went today.


When our guests arrived, it was just the 9 y/o who was abused and his mother. When the boy entered the house I about lost it, but was able to maintain composure and the emotion soon left.

We had a good visit. We talked with her openly about many issues while our adult daughter and the boy were out in the kitchen making English Toffee candy.

I played table games with the boy for a couple of hours. He's a neat kid with a great personality. He exhibits none of the outward symptoms that are classic signs of CSA or other abuse. He'll look you in the eye and crack jokes with you in what appears to be complete self confidence. He's been in counseling and his T relates to the mom that he is remarkably stable for having been through the Sh*t he's had to deal with.

I'm happy for that. The mother says she'll keep him in therapy as his therapist recommends, especially as he enters puberty and beyond.

Thanks guys for your support.

Lots of love,

John
 
John - I was a bit late in reading this post & thought that I could have helped in some respect. I was so pleased to read your final post and see that everything had gone well.

I very much believe that if an abused child receives help at an early age, they can avoid many of the problems that those of us who have stayed silent for many years encounter.

I hope that both yourself and your Nephew find deserved peace in 2006.

Best wishes...Rik
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top