Brothers, I feel I have a task

Brothers, I feel I have a task
midnight51

midnight51

Brothers, as you know, I just recently found out that a good friend of mine (and my roomate) was sexually abused by his father. His father now constitutes himself as a homosexual and has a relationship with another man.

After my sexual victimization and years after I ran away from my Dad's house, the boy who victimized me asked me, "Are you still gay?" I feel this has affected me deeply, although at heart, I do not feel as if I am gay. It affects me very much and sometimes it feels as if there is a battle inside of my head upon my own identity.

I feel like maybe I was meant to meet this person and meant to help him in any way that I can, now knowning what I know. I feel as if I have to be strong and create boundaries of my own and have courage to stand up for what is in my heart.

I'm not quite sure what all of this has in store for me, but I need your stength courage and guidance to help me. Let me know what you guys think and any concerns that you may have.

My Regards,
Josh
 
Hi Josh - I think you might already know the answer but you're looking for affirmation. There does seem to be a reason for everything in life that occurs. Your meeting this other victim/survivor is likely no different. I'm guessing that you've found comfort and strength here by meeting people who have shared similar experiences to your own, I know I have. Your friend deserves to experience that as well. You should probably be careful to think about whether this is a task you are emotionally able to take on right now. I know I'm at a point where functioning day-to-day can be a challenge, I would probably not be the best person to try to help someone else right now. I'm just too needy myself. If you feel strong enough, it would be rewarding for both of you. If you don't feel stong enough you can at least point your friend in the right direction so that he can find the best help elsewhere. I wish you both the best of luck.
 
Josh,

You were afraid of it the other night. I can understand how you may have felt you've "turned a corner" emotionally about it. But be sure that this is in your (and his!) intrest.

I want to help people so much, and we can here in small ways, but I know, KNOW I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet. It may be next week, and it may be next year, but it's not now. You need to be sure you're ready for it. Ready for the commitment, ready for the heartache, ready for the backlash you may get, everything that goes along with it.

We all have a lot to offer those who've survived. But we need to be in a healthy place ourselves to do it. There's a lot of pain that comes with taking on the responsability. And while we know intellectually that people make their own decisions, we feel guilty when they make unhealthy ones and we take that burden, in addition to our own, on ourselves as well.

I know you will make the decision that's right for you and him. Please think it through before you decide one way or another, because I care about you, bro. And I want you to be well.

I love you, Josh. Peace.

Scot
 
Josh,

A comment that you made really touched me. Your perp's question "Are you still gay?" was so self-serving on his part. Just asking that question was a way for him to put the blame on you. The boy who molested me also told me that I must be gay because I got an erection and I ejaculated. I had lingering doubts, fears and anxiety for years worrying about that. I really don't know what I am right now but now I don't really care what the label is. I know that I was not to blame for his actions and I never was.

As far as helping your friend I'll have to agree that it's a major undertaking especially if you're not in a really strong position yourself. I would offer direction for him but try not to get enmeshed in his healing process as it might hinder your own at this time.

Take good care of yourself my brother,

Steve
 
Josh,

Perhaps you were meant to meet him, to let him know about MaleSurvivor. Maybe you can help one another in your individual healing. I hope you don't find yourself taking responsibility for his recovery.

Your profile isn't listing your location, but I'll go out on a limb and guess that you're not on the same street where I live. :) So you can't "walk me through recovery." You can't do that for anyone else, either, no matter where they live.

Remember that your job is to heal yourself. By setting an example through your own honesty and courage, you will probably help many more people than you imagine.

My two pence,

Joe
 
Josh
the instinct to help other survivors is strong, and it's the way the 'industry' works really.
I think it's safe to say that most people who work in any way with survivors, set up and run survivors charities - are probably survivors themselves.

I do a lot of work with Survivors, here on MS and locally in the UK.
And it's VERY rewarding, I just love to see another Survivor follow along in the footsteps of those who've gone before.
It also has many frustrations and dissapointments, Survivors can be a very problematic bunch of people, and I include myself in that. We're not easy to deal with.

I started intensive therapy over 5 years ago, and still attend group therapy, and I often wonder if I'm going too fast, and doing too much ?
I don't think I am pushing myself too far, but it's something that I am very aware of, and when things do get a bit much I speak up and get help, and ease off.

My point is that we have to be at a point where we have regained enough self confidence to do this stuff, not just the confidence that we have the commitment and energy to do it - but the self confidence to step back and say "Sorry, I have to pull back from here."
It's not an admission of failure, far from it, it's a sign that we are 'healed' enough to cope with how we are.

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking ( subconciously ) that we can 'heal' for someone else. But we can't, especially if we are still working on our healing. The two things would become confused.

I get the feeling that you are still working hard on your recovery, and if you are then I would step back a bit. Remain supportive and friendly, but very aware of taking his problems and grief and adding them to your own. And of course unloading yours onto him.
Group therapy's the place for that, in a controlled environment.

But Josh, never stop caring.

Dave
 
Josh listen to Outis and Dave. They make a whole lot of sense.

The thing is sometimes when helping we take on their problems and it only makes ours worse.

Be honest and open with him and offer to heal together. Stuff like that.
 
Just to add my two cents on this.

I guess I think it's too much to expect to heal anyone. I think about this a lot. I'm a teacher, and dealing with internal creative blocks is part of my work. So I try to help in every way I can. But then I also try to keep perspective and say, "success isn't my goal. I try to help, and that is enough."

But, the difference here is that I'm talking about my job and you're talking about friendship.

For me, in that case, as long as the healing is part of the friendship as opposed to the purpose behind the friendship, it could be great. One of my closest friends is a survivor of sex abuse. We understand one another deeply. But the surviving is not the reason for the friendship, it's just a conveniently mutually healing part of a greater whole. I never feel like I'm the healer and she's the healee. It's just nice, mutual conversation and growth. That kind of thing is special beyond words. We have our different perspectives, and they enrich understanding amazingly.

But, I've also had "friends" who used me as their therapy. I've learned to back away from that trap very quickly. I don't have the emotional energy for it, and it makes me feel hopeless and drained.

Danny
 
You know, I can relate some to what you say. The person who first said something about my old coach, I think of him a lot, wondering if he said that to see if I would say something back at him. I didn't at time, was too shocked. But after about a month, I was able to talk some with him, in email, and asked him if he needed to talk with someone, if there were more to it. And we have both been emailing each other, rather 'dancing' around the subject some, but I think we both know something happened with the other, and we are helping each other some just by realizing that. I think next time I write him, I will be decent friend and tell him of this site. Good luck to you.

leosha
 
Just being there is a great help I am sure, I know that knowing people understand how I feel helps quite a bit. You have an incredible amount of strength within you, as we all do, but when you do not feel it, lean on someone else, lean on your roomate some as he leans on. I wish you luck with this all, and hope everything goes well.

Scott
 
Josh, I am happy that after seeing your perp as an adult, you did not commit homicide!

It is very hurtful to gay members to constantly read that people feel as though nothing could be worse than being gay. Gay is good too. It is not something to be ashamed of if a person decides that he is attracted to men more than to women.

Then, I have liked this statement that I can't remember where I saw it: Being sexually abused by a man does not make a heterosexual boy to be gay, anymore than a gay boy being raped by a woman makes him heterosexual. That makes great sense to me.

Bob
 
Helping others is good and it will benifit your healing. There is a force at work that we have no control over and these is what brought you and your friend together, help each other heal.

i had to tell a good friend of 30 years about my CSA before he read my letter to the paper. I found out that he also was sexualiy abused as a child. We both hid in the silence all those years that we could of been helping each other grow towards healing, Help when ever and however you can,the healing will come back in so many ways. Do put your own healing ###111.


Are you still gay?" I feel this has affected me deeply, although at heart, I do not feel as if I am gay. It affects me very much and sometimes it feels as if there is a battle inside of my head upon my own identity.
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Josh i can fullly understand what battles are going on insde your head.
identity. identity. identity. identity. identity. My English teacher would find me in school alone and tell me how much I enjoyed it that I wanted it again, He left ????? in my mind about my sexuality for many years. I didn't fight it either way but just let time work things out, I fell in love with a beautiful lady and her daughter. Don't worry about the sexuality just be OPEN. Good luck with helping your friend,


found out that a good friend of mine (and my roomate) was sexually abused by his father. His father now constitutes himself as a homosexual and has a relationship with another man.
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By the way Josh I know many great Gay men and all them would say that your friends DAD is a EVIL MAN. MAYBE HE IS HIDEING IN THE FACT THAT HE IS GaY BUT iT was still EVIL DONE UNTO A CHILD, He could still be abusing other boys,
Josh be strong and stand proud for helping others

Tom
 
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