broken

[Latimer]

I just found this site a couple of weeks ago and I can barely stay away. So much that I'm starting to feel like a stalker or some kind of creep, listening in on everyone else and not saying a word. Anyway I kept my stuff hidden for so long nad the thought of sharing is terrifying, but I know it's also something I need to do. And I have so many questions. Just wish I could stop that sick feeling inside and keep my hands from shaking.

I don't know how many of you can be so open...I admire that but can't go there yet. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now...it's not easy, but I can see that it's starting to help and I don't want to run from my past or my life or myself anymore. That's what i do, since leaving home I've never lived in one place more than 2 years. I was abused by my socalled grandfather - I'm choking on the word cuz no real grandfather would do what he did - starting when I was5. I can't go into anymore than that right now, but here is what I really need to know. When do you ever stop feeling like something that got thrown onto a garbage heap? DO you ever stop feeling that way??? He took away my innocence and I dont see how there is any way to get over that. I'll never know what it's like to be with someone for the first time. I'll never know what it's like to be wanted just for me, because that sick f*** ruined me!! He robbed me of my goddam childhood and my innocence and that's something you can't ever get back. How can I ever be with some one and know that they want to be with me?? I've had two failed marriages and I'm only 29. Thank GOD we didn't have kids, how could I raise a child when I can barely take care of myself... I never told my exes and I know that's not right either but I can't ever see telling a woman and being able to look her in the eye or her wanting me, because how sick would SHE have to be then to want me? Sorry Im rambling, I just hope maybe you have some ideas on this.

 

Latimer,

Welcome. I'm sorry you needed to find a site like this, but I'm glad you're here.

Take it at your own pace. You are welcome to post, read or just vent.

And to answer your question, it will get better. Simple answer because I am fairly new too. And I think feeling like "damaged goods" is common too. But you are a worthwhile and strong man, or you would not have survived.

Peace and love,

Marc

 

[TeeJayUU]

Latimer,

I only wish I could answer all of your questions. I am SO VERY SORRY that you needed to find us, but welcome!

When I was 23 I told the first woman I ever REALLY trusted the truth, the WHOLE truth, AND NO ONE ELSE! I think I wanted to scare her away from this damaged product called me. Instead, we are celebrating 16 years of marriage and have two adopted children.

My wife has always supported me and encouraged me to seek therapy for my abuse. I NEVER saw it as abuse until 18 months ago.

If not for her, I do not know where I would be today. Her support and strength has saved my life, in more ways than one.

Latimer, I KNOW I am a lucky one with my marriage. I also KNOW the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. You are in a safe and good place here.

Hang in there!

PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TJ

 

[crisispoint]

Latimer,

There's always a first time for posting here, so don't feel guilty about taking a while to do it. You came here and THAT was the important step.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I can only imagine what that monster put you through, but I feel the pain you have in just what you wrote.

Like Marc said, it will get easier. It will. I know it's hard to see that right now, but you have to see that there's hope. If there were none, would there be anyone here?

The only thing I can tell you is talk. Post here when you can, when you need to. Find yourself a therapist, at least for the short-term. They can help. They really can, and you can find some terrific ones through your local rape crisis center.

It's hard, always the first time you address it. I'm a man who repressed some truly awful crap until my 35th year. I'm 37 now, and it's still hard to deal with, but it gets easier. The first thing you need to say to yourself is "it's not my fault, and I'm a good person."

It's taken me MONTHS just to believe that it wasn;t my fault. Some morons abuse an 11 year old boy and it's his fault. These liars are REALLY good at getting people to believe them, aren't they.

The brothers here are some of the best guys around. PM someone, even me, if you feel the need. One last thing. I always say this to the newer guys I meet here, and it may put you off, but we haven't heard it often enough. I love you, my brother. No strings attached, and I want NOTHING in return.

Peace and love, Latimer.

Scot

 

[Stephen_5]

Latimer,

I'm glad you found this site and sorry for you that you had to seek it out. You have been through a lot. I want to reassure you that it does get better, sometimes it's painful, but it does get better. I'm also happy for you that you're starting to seek help at an early age. I waited for 38 years until I told anyone about what happened to me, I had just turned 50 and I knew that I had to do something.

Talking with a therapist is a good first step as is coming here, reading posts and posting if you feel like it. A lot of the guys here are further along the road to healing and their wisdom and experiences could be helpful to you. But everyones experiences are just that, their experiences, and many times are not applicable to yours or mine but can be used for a point of reference.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

 

[Lloydy]

Latimer
I try to answer all the new guys that come here, partly out of politness and trying to make your coming here a bit easier.
But the main reason I make that effort is because I've been doing my healing since 1999 and I've seen some great results.

OK, my life isn't perfect ( but who's is ? )and I accept that I cant force myself to forget what happened to me. But I can can, and have, changed my life for the better. And I also know that I'm no genius or superman.
The things you fear can get easier, and the things you want are possible. It's not easy, but within reach.

This hit me hard though -

Thank GOD we didn't have kids, how could I raise a child when I can barely take care of myself...

I said this as a "joke" for many years, and as a result my wife and I have no kids, I wasn't in fear of becoming an abuser - just in fear of my own incompetence. Unfortunately I waited until I was nearly 50 before I got the therapy and help I needed, too late now.
You're a young man, do the work and live YOUR life.

Dave

 

[The Dean]

Welcome Latimer. You find we are a good group of guys who understand and are faithful to each other even in our darkest times.

It sounds like you have done a great job of caring for yourself for a couple of decades now. Too many people will tell us how flawed we are--so it is good for us to remind ourselves that we are extraordinary men who have survived and lived in spite of a devastating injury to our very beings.

I am happy you are here. I think you will have a lot to offer and I know that we have a lot to offer you.

Peace friend.

Bob

 

[outis]

Latimer,

I just found this site a couple of weeks ago and I can barely stay away. So much that I'm starting to feel like a stalker or some kind of creep, listening in on everyone else and not saying a word.

Everyone here is pretty well aware that we're posting on a public web site. I know I lurked for months before I registered, and for a few more weeks before I posted.

Anyway I kept my stuff hidden for so long nad the thought of sharing is terrifying, but I know it's also something I need to do. And I have so many questions. Just wish I could stop that sick feeling inside and keep my hands from shaking.

It's not easy for any of us to share. It does get easier with practice, or it has for me. But my hands have shaken while I tried to type a few times in the last couple weeks, and sometimes I almost have to spit words to get them out of my throat.

I don't know how many of you can be so open...I admire that but can't go there yet. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now...it's not easy, but I can see that it's starting to help and I don't want to run from my past or my life or myself anymore. That's what i do, since leaving home I've never lived in one place more than 2 years.

Then you're doing a lot of difficult things. Just facing the truth of what happened takes quite a bit of guts. Many people live a long time without ever looking at themselves honestly. You're not one of those people.

I was abused by my socalled grandfather - I'm choking on the word cuz no real grandfather would do what he did - starting when I was5.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You could not have deserved it. No one can deserve such mistreatment. Please remember that there was never a way you could have deserved it.

I can't go into anymore than that right now, but here is what I really need to know. When do you ever stop feeling like something that got thrown onto a garbage heap? DO you ever stop feeling that way???

I think we can. I intend to find a way. I didn't deserve what happened to me, either, but it's hard to get that fact into my skull and keep it there.

He took away my innocence and I dont see how there is any way to get over that. I'll never know what it's like to be with someone for the first time. I'll never know what it's like to be wanted just for me, because that sick f*** ruined me!! He robbed me of my goddam childhood and my innocence and that's something you can't ever get back.

You're correct. There are things we can never get back. I don't like it, but that doesn't change it. The important thing now is that there are things we do not have to lose, like our futures.

How can I ever be with some one and know that they want to be with me?? I've had two failed marriages and I'm only 29. Thank GOD we didn't have kids, how could I raise a child when I can barely take care of myself... I never told my exes and I know that's not right either but I can't ever see telling a woman and being able to look her in the eye or her wanting me, because how sick would SHE have to be then to want me?

It can happen, and the woman would not have to be sick. She'd just have to love you. Read some of the posts from some of the women in the Friends and Family forum.

I was married to my wife for over 11 years, had known her over 13 years, when I finally told her that I was sexually abused ("raped" is what I said) as an adolescent. We're still together and we have been working on having a stronger relationship in the time since then. I only spoke up when we were on the brink of divorce.

Sorry Im rambling, I just hope maybe you have some ideas on this.

No need to be sorry for rambling. It's good to get things out that have hidden in the dark far too long. Lots of us ramble around here, especially me. At least you're lucid.

As for ideas, well, I hope you continue coming around to read and write more. You have a therapist, and you have the kind of honesty and courage it takes to examine yourself and take steps to make your life better. So I'd suggest you keep up the good work. Try to go easy on yourself. Remember that you did nothing wrong. It was the adult who hurt you that committed the crime.

I wish we never had to "meet" like this. I wish none of us ever had cause to google for "sexual abuse male survivor" or some such. But we did, and it's good that this place is here for us. I'm glad that you've found us here, and I hope this will be as good a resource for your healing as it is for mine.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Archnut]

Latimer

I'm so sorry about what happened to you.
I became a granddad for the fourth time last week.

At first I couldnt even pick up my grandchildren, but I'm getting there. I just cannot understand why some grandparents do abuse their grandchildren. My natural instinct is to protect and the best way I can do that Is by listening to my four grandchildren.I had to learn to listen. I am also godfather to two of them. I am in no way a religious man if anything Im against organised religion. But i do take my godfather responsabilities very seriously.But I am aware of being over protective.but I'm damm sure that I will not physically , mentally or emotionally abuse any of these little persons...they are the future!

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope

 

[Bill_1965]

Latimer,

Welcome. Regardless of how long it took, the main thing is -- YOU MADE IT!! You are a survivor. I'm glad you decided to post. To take the opportunity to have your concerns addressed and discussed. There is a lot of insight that is gained by reading the posts. There is also more by participating in them.

I don't know how many of you can be so open...I admire that but can't go there yet.

We are all at different places in our recovery. Before this 'stuff' can come out, we need to open up - give it a way out. When you are comfortable and secure enough, you will be there too. It takes time.

I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now...it's not easy, but I can see that it's starting to help and I don't want to run from my past or my life or myself anymore.

I find professional help, my therapist, a priceless resource in my recovery. The guys and gals here are some of the greatest people you will meet. But they are not a replacement for the professionals. Just an absolutely fantastic addition to it. Part of the support team. Therapy isn't an easy thing - it is digging out all the stuff that has been buried and pushed aside. It takes time to see the results - and you are already beginning to see the benefits.

When do you ever stop feeling like something that got thrown onto a garbage heap? DO you ever stop feeling that way???

I wish I could say, "Next Tuesday" or "after your eighth visit to your T." But, there is no timetable. Everything in its own time, not something that can be pushed. When you realize and truely believe the truth - it was not your fault - the blame and shame is his, not yours, you'll be seeing the truth that you are not garage.

Sorry Im rambling

Ramble away - the best stuff, the truth, the feelings come out when rambling. Rambling ends up hitting the bush sooner or later, rather than beating around it.

I, too, am a 2x divorcee. Damaged material that no woman would but up with. But that wasn't the case. It was my distorted thoughts that hooked me up with women that weren't the ones for me, they were ones that brought me destruction and reinforced the feelings of garbageness that I thought I deserved. Didn't deserve it then, don't deserve it now. Not anymore will I accept that. There are plenty of good gals out there as evident by the Friends and Family Forum. One day I will find a good gal and I DO deserve it. Same goes for you and the rest of us.

Take care,
Bill

 

[survive75]

Hi Latimer... as others have said, I am glad you found us but sorry you need a place like this.

I was abused when I was aged 4-8... being here has helped me to realize that the age when you were victimized has a lot to do with how you remember, process, and recover. I am 28 now, and I have just started to really deal with this. I have had two "failed" long-term relationships, and yes, you start to feel like there is no hope, especially around sexual issues.

I have to believe that there is hope though, because there are guys here who have been through things that I'm just coming to in recovery. They are still here. This place is the best thing that could have happened to me.

You are further ahead in recovery than you may know. For you to be able to identify that it was your grandfather that was in the wrong and that he took something from you that wasn't his to take... that takes courage, both to admit and to post about. I still sometimes slip into thinking my abuse was somehow my fault or that I deserved it even though I "know" it was my stepfather who was in the wrong.

Very glad to have you with us. Keep posting, keep asking questions. PM me if you need to.

-Sean

 

[Latimer]

Thank you. It was overwhelming to read the support and wisdom from you all. Maybe there's hope some day I'll start to feel like a human being.

It was also overwhelming just to write and get it out. It just came out like a flood, I hope I didn't offend anyone or put things in the wrong forum that might have been triggering. Im still learning my way around this site.

After posting I got to feeling sort of light headed. It was weird for a couple days. Not like the sick feeling or the anxiety attacks, more like spacey and not quite there. Im doing ok now (whatever THAT is), but maybe I need to pace myself. I said as much here as I've told my therapist. So for those of you who suggested it, yeah I'm in therapy, this time not "depression counseling" or "marriage counseling" but real live therapy for the abuse. Your right, it is necessary, a least it's necessary for me, and it's sometimes real uncomfortable but not all the time. I'm beginning to think I can trust her. She says I should get to where thigns feel safe and contained before trying to open them up so fast.

So thanks for the messages. Think I'll just step it back a little, and maybe "lurk" like one of you said or send a reply once in a while.

 

[yesac76]

Latimer,

Welcome to the group. Many have posted very good replies.

I can understand feeling like rubbish. I am slowly working my way into a relationship (I hope) and it scares me down to my soul. But the woman is the most generous, kind-hearted person I know. She knows the basics about my abuse, and it did not repel her like I thought it would.

I still have days when I feel terrible, guilty and hateful, but I have used writing as an outlet. I believe writing has kept me from doing something permanent and stupid.

I hope you can find healing and a sense of peace. PM us, we will help you in any way we can. And never be afraid to ramble, because I can go off on massive tangents, and the brothers are always there for me.
Casey