Bringing up the past

[Tryingtolive]

As a malesurvivor.
Surviving sexual abuse as a kid.

Is it normal to feel bad about the past?
Why do I have to bring up the past?
I'm always looking back at myself.
Having this horrible image about myself.
Is this common?

Having this really bad self image about myself makes me think of the past.


I feel as though I don't deserve support?

 

[KMCINVA]

Tryingtolive

I believe as survivors we hurt from the past and the past has a control over us. Once we begin to heal and accept it was not our fault nor should we feel guilt or shame we free ourselves from the past. It will always be part of us, it just does not have to control and define us. I have lived it and I am working on the present and future. I have accepted it, I have accepted how others reacted to the abuse and triggered the memories and I have accepted the support of people who now we as humans suffer, struggle and try to heal.

You deserve support and accept it. I did not at first because those that I loved turned their backs, were destructive so I believed everyone would react as they did. I was wrong because I found kindness here and from a wonderful group of people. You have support here--you deserve it.

Kevin

 

[ForeverFighting]

Having this horrible image about myself.
Is this common?

I wish it weren’t common, but it is. The past continues to haunt us and color our vision of the reality that is now. None of it is logical--just burned in our brains because of the horror that was then. I try to tell myself, It’s not my fault. It’s not happening now. I try to think each day of something good about me. Because there is good about you and me. We do deserve support. And there are people who are there for us.

Take care of yourself.

 

[DannyT]

tryingtolive,

It seems very common, and it's certainly something I've had to deal with.

I think looking back at the past starts as a way to try to understand things. "I'm screwed up, how did I get that way?" Look to the past and find the answers. Then trying to understand the past makes one look at the past. And a habit forms. Eventually one is always staring back at the past in shock as though it can change. PSTD is a super helpful aid in this department !

Fortunately, the only power the past has over us is power we give it by looking at it. What we give, we can take away.

You can change the habit, and it doesn't control you. You just have to change the habits of mind that push you to keep looking over your shoulder.

The only way I know how to do that is with practice. When the urge comes over you to look at the past, recognize it: say something like, "I see you arising, urge to look at the past," then ask yourself if you want to give in. "Do I want to listen to the voice and look at the past, or just stay in the present where most things are safer?"

Sometimes the habit will win. Then I think it's helpful to recognize that I chose to give in. Today I decided to look at the past. Maybe tomorrow I'll make a different decision.

Sometimes the urge feels like its out of your control, but it's only a part of you that wants and needs that look. That part is an addict, and it needs your help. It's addicted to the flood of cortisol (or whatever other chemical is being produced), and it wants that fix. Start restricting the flow. Gradually ween yourself off the drug of self-created depression by choosing consciously to look away. I find it's helpful to have a specific safe present tense thing to look at that you enjoy and that implies forward motion. Then you start having a habitual go to place to replace the past with. Then reward yourself when you make the healthy choice. Notice that, too, and you'll see over time a new habit starting to form.

I did a lot of research on will power for stuff like this (it takes a lot to keep it up!). One helpful way to build will power: deliberately change your posture. If you cross your legs when sitting, for example, start putting them both down flat. Research shows that these little will power games help the will power muscle in the brain.

Best wishes,

Danny