breakthrough *TRIGGER* long...
this contains blunt sexual content and discriptions of my abuse and acting out. it might trigger, so be safe and strong before you read it
Well my own struggle with religion and faith is slowly evolving. Many of my issues revolve around this conflict I am constantly under to live up to those ideals the Bible sets forth. When we are told that sleeping with another man is wrong, and then we do it, and enjoy it, we are instantly going to be in turmoil. I know in my case, the way I dealt with it is by labeling my self the problem. My thinking said it is wrong, and because I enjoyed it, there must be something wrong with me. I am finding much of my self-hate is geared like that. I have an ideal I set as the standard and when I fall short, I beat myself up mentally.
Here are some absolutes I have discovered. First, being molested felt good, and I liked it. Emotionally, it made me feel wanted and alive. I liked the physical contact, and being sexual with another person. It wasnt the event that caused me problems, it was this conflict inside that did. I liked it so there must be something wrong with me type of thing.
What I am trying to do now is allow myself to be human. I liked having sex with Mat, even though the world says it was wrong. Yes, I was afraid at first in those bushes, but when I calmed down in enjoyed it. Because I enjoyed it, I wanted to do it over and over again, and spent the rest of my life enjoying sex. I still enjoy sex. Does that make me sick, or merely human? I have spent years telling myself that I was sick, and all it has gotten me is pain and depression. Slowly, I am coming to the conclusion that I liked it, and I when I kept going back it was because I liked it.
Was Mat wrong to do that to me? Yes, it was wrong for him to introduce me to sex at five. Was there something wrong with me for enjoying it? No, I am only human, and humans enjoy sex as a whole. I did more damage to myself by beating myself up for liking it than Mat ever did to me.
Basically, I have come to the conclusion that I dont understand God very well. We are told all these things are sin, and yet we enjoy them. I agree that enjoyable things are not always healthy, but that doesnt make them less enjoyable. To end that conflict, I have decided that from this point on in my life, I will enjoy what I enjoy. Yes, I enjoyed having sex with men and animals. I may never again do that because other parts of my life take priority, but I am not going to beat myself up over having liked doing those things.
I have also decided that if something I like doesnt harm anyone else, and I want to enjoy it, I am going to. I am going to, and I am not going to beat myself up over it any more. I am through saying that day in the bushes was the worst day of my life, because it wasnt. It may not have been the healthiest thing I have ever done, but I enjoyed it. Damn it, I had fun playing sex games as a child, before I knew any better. I enjoyed sucking Mats penis. I enjoyed it when he introduced me to Jean. I thought her vagina was the most incredible thing I had ever felt of tasted. I loved sniffing her rectum and vagina. They smelled great to me.
When we moved, and Cheryl and I began playing house, I liked playing house with her. I liked seeing her naked, and I liked when she looked at me naked. I liked sniffing and licking her. I liked kissing and hugging her. I am through telling myself that I was bad for liking it. I am human for Gods sake! Of course I liked having sex!
Hell, even when I began beating myself up for liking it, and began punishing myself sexually, I still liked it. Even when I would hump something rough until I bled, I liked it. I liked the sexual part if not the painful one. When I did something disgusting, I liked the sexual part of it. It felt good to be aroused and to have an orgasm. Yet, I continually threw all these negative labels on myself because I liked it. The sex wasnt causing me the pain, the memories werent, it was the conflict between liking it and my morality that caused me the pain. If I remove those judgments I pushed on myself, I really liked what happened.
I have spent a lifetime in painful depression and pain because I couldnt accept that I enjoyed it. I am through saying it sucked, because it didnt. I liked it damn it!
Mat did something evil to me, but I wasnt evil for enjoying it, and wanting to do it again and again. I was a human being enjoying my sexuality. Sure, ideally that sexuality wouldnt have been turned on for several more years, but it was, and I should stop kicking myself because I liked it.
I need to stop beating myself up for what I did to Jean, Cheryl, Donnie and Michele. I didnt know any better. All I knew was that I liked it. My parents failed in their job to teach me that it was wrong. They failed because they were uncomfortable with their own sexuality, and with teaching me about it. Without the information to make a better choice, I went with what felt good. I was a kid for Gods sake. Naturally, I went for what felt good. The sin for those are on my parents, not on me. I am a kind loving person. Had I understood that having sex with those kids was wrong, I would have made another choice. I am not some evil monster. I know me, and I know I have never hurt anyone intentionally, so I know I wouldnt have had sex with them had I understood it was wrong, at least at that point.
In the middle of the years of acting out with Michele, I finally learned what sex was. For years I have really beat myself up, because I kept telling myself I knew better. The fact is that when our time together began, I didnt know better. I came to know better, and there is a real difference there.
When I learned about sex, I shared it with her, and our relationship continued because we chose to. I didnt force her to keep coming back to the woods with me. It didnt even come up. We liked it, and we continued in a consensual sexual relationship. I am through beating myself up for that as well.
After I lost her, and lost my outlet for all this energy my lifestyle had saddled me with, naturally I got depressed. Had I had a healthy attitude about sex, I would have turned to masturbation to fill that gap, and I would have been more able to grieve and recovery correctly. Instead, because my parents never discussed masturbation, and because my friends all made fun of doing it, I was robbed of what should have been a healthy release for me. I was left to conclude that it was a sin, and to suffer through years of shame and guilt.
If I had been provided with a healthy release, I wouldnt have beat myself up so bad that I felt the need to punish and harm myself. I know myself, and if I didnt feel so bad over having to masturbate, I would have never chosen the path I did. I would have never dehumanized or harmed myself. This is even reinforced by the fact that when I read a Billy Graham book that supported masturbation as being alright, I found a level of peace and control that I had been lacking.
By the time I was provided with the information that freed me, I had already gotten into some very kinky stuff. It was too late to undo the damage completely. I then had a taste for extreme sex, and I could never rid myself of it. By simply explaining what masturbation was, and that it was okay, my parents could have given me the tools to live happily, and I would have never resorted to what I did. I turned to self-harm out of despair, remove the despair and I would have taken a different path. I know myself well enough to know that.
I hate blaming anyone, but I know myself. I know I want to be a good person. I know I have always tried to do what is right. I know Jeff would have made the right choices had he known the facts. The failure was not mine, but belongs to my parents for the most part. Simply paying me attention would have made sex less appealing. Talking to me about the evil people in the world who might try and harm me, would have helped me stay out of those bushes that day. A simple warning not to play with older kids and strangers would have made a difference. One good discussion about sex, and telling me it was normal and healthy to masturbate, would have made a world of difference. My life became a living hell because I wasnt given the tools for it to turn out any different. I finally see the bigger picture. This was not my sin. It was not my failure. I am through carrying everyone elses failure like it was my own. Mat was wrong. My parents were wrong. Their wrongs led to me doing wrong, but I was not wrong. I made choices based on faulty, childish assumptions, because I wasnt given the information to do anything else. I am not sick. I am not an animal. My genes are not defective. I am human, and I like sex. Humans are supposed to like sex. I will allow myself to like what I like. Life has handed me these feelings, and I have them because of failures of the people in my life, not because I am faulty. Life made me, and I will no longer blame myself. Jeff would have made better choices if I had known to. I am a loving person, I wouldnt have chosen hate and pain for my life. Others made that choice for me either knowingly or in ignorance, but they made those choices, not me.
Well my own struggle with religion and faith is slowly evolving. Many of my issues revolve around this conflict I am constantly under to live up to those ideals the Bible sets forth. When we are told that sleeping with another man is wrong, and then we do it, and enjoy it, we are instantly going to be in turmoil. I know in my case, the way I dealt with it is by labeling my self the problem. My thinking said it is wrong, and because I enjoyed it, there must be something wrong with me. I am finding much of my self-hate is geared like that. I have an ideal I set as the standard and when I fall short, I beat myself up mentally.
Here are some absolutes I have discovered. First, being molested felt good, and I liked it. Emotionally, it made me feel wanted and alive. I liked the physical contact, and being sexual with another person. It wasnt the event that caused me problems, it was this conflict inside that did. I liked it so there must be something wrong with me type of thing.
What I am trying to do now is allow myself to be human. I liked having sex with Mat, even though the world says it was wrong. Yes, I was afraid at first in those bushes, but when I calmed down in enjoyed it. Because I enjoyed it, I wanted to do it over and over again, and spent the rest of my life enjoying sex. I still enjoy sex. Does that make me sick, or merely human? I have spent years telling myself that I was sick, and all it has gotten me is pain and depression. Slowly, I am coming to the conclusion that I liked it, and I when I kept going back it was because I liked it.
Was Mat wrong to do that to me? Yes, it was wrong for him to introduce me to sex at five. Was there something wrong with me for enjoying it? No, I am only human, and humans enjoy sex as a whole. I did more damage to myself by beating myself up for liking it than Mat ever did to me.
Basically, I have come to the conclusion that I dont understand God very well. We are told all these things are sin, and yet we enjoy them. I agree that enjoyable things are not always healthy, but that doesnt make them less enjoyable. To end that conflict, I have decided that from this point on in my life, I will enjoy what I enjoy. Yes, I enjoyed having sex with men and animals. I may never again do that because other parts of my life take priority, but I am not going to beat myself up over having liked doing those things.
I have also decided that if something I like doesnt harm anyone else, and I want to enjoy it, I am going to. I am going to, and I am not going to beat myself up over it any more. I am through saying that day in the bushes was the worst day of my life, because it wasnt. It may not have been the healthiest thing I have ever done, but I enjoyed it. Damn it, I had fun playing sex games as a child, before I knew any better. I enjoyed sucking Mats penis. I enjoyed it when he introduced me to Jean. I thought her vagina was the most incredible thing I had ever felt of tasted. I loved sniffing her rectum and vagina. They smelled great to me.
When we moved, and Cheryl and I began playing house, I liked playing house with her. I liked seeing her naked, and I liked when she looked at me naked. I liked sniffing and licking her. I liked kissing and hugging her. I am through telling myself that I was bad for liking it. I am human for Gods sake! Of course I liked having sex!
Hell, even when I began beating myself up for liking it, and began punishing myself sexually, I still liked it. Even when I would hump something rough until I bled, I liked it. I liked the sexual part if not the painful one. When I did something disgusting, I liked the sexual part of it. It felt good to be aroused and to have an orgasm. Yet, I continually threw all these negative labels on myself because I liked it. The sex wasnt causing me the pain, the memories werent, it was the conflict between liking it and my morality that caused me the pain. If I remove those judgments I pushed on myself, I really liked what happened.
I have spent a lifetime in painful depression and pain because I couldnt accept that I enjoyed it. I am through saying it sucked, because it didnt. I liked it damn it!
Mat did something evil to me, but I wasnt evil for enjoying it, and wanting to do it again and again. I was a human being enjoying my sexuality. Sure, ideally that sexuality wouldnt have been turned on for several more years, but it was, and I should stop kicking myself because I liked it.
I need to stop beating myself up for what I did to Jean, Cheryl, Donnie and Michele. I didnt know any better. All I knew was that I liked it. My parents failed in their job to teach me that it was wrong. They failed because they were uncomfortable with their own sexuality, and with teaching me about it. Without the information to make a better choice, I went with what felt good. I was a kid for Gods sake. Naturally, I went for what felt good. The sin for those are on my parents, not on me. I am a kind loving person. Had I understood that having sex with those kids was wrong, I would have made another choice. I am not some evil monster. I know me, and I know I have never hurt anyone intentionally, so I know I wouldnt have had sex with them had I understood it was wrong, at least at that point.
In the middle of the years of acting out with Michele, I finally learned what sex was. For years I have really beat myself up, because I kept telling myself I knew better. The fact is that when our time together began, I didnt know better. I came to know better, and there is a real difference there.
When I learned about sex, I shared it with her, and our relationship continued because we chose to. I didnt force her to keep coming back to the woods with me. It didnt even come up. We liked it, and we continued in a consensual sexual relationship. I am through beating myself up for that as well.
After I lost her, and lost my outlet for all this energy my lifestyle had saddled me with, naturally I got depressed. Had I had a healthy attitude about sex, I would have turned to masturbation to fill that gap, and I would have been more able to grieve and recovery correctly. Instead, because my parents never discussed masturbation, and because my friends all made fun of doing it, I was robbed of what should have been a healthy release for me. I was left to conclude that it was a sin, and to suffer through years of shame and guilt.
If I had been provided with a healthy release, I wouldnt have beat myself up so bad that I felt the need to punish and harm myself. I know myself, and if I didnt feel so bad over having to masturbate, I would have never chosen the path I did. I would have never dehumanized or harmed myself. This is even reinforced by the fact that when I read a Billy Graham book that supported masturbation as being alright, I found a level of peace and control that I had been lacking.
By the time I was provided with the information that freed me, I had already gotten into some very kinky stuff. It was too late to undo the damage completely. I then had a taste for extreme sex, and I could never rid myself of it. By simply explaining what masturbation was, and that it was okay, my parents could have given me the tools to live happily, and I would have never resorted to what I did. I turned to self-harm out of despair, remove the despair and I would have taken a different path. I know myself well enough to know that.
I hate blaming anyone, but I know myself. I know I want to be a good person. I know I have always tried to do what is right. I know Jeff would have made the right choices had he known the facts. The failure was not mine, but belongs to my parents for the most part. Simply paying me attention would have made sex less appealing. Talking to me about the evil people in the world who might try and harm me, would have helped me stay out of those bushes that day. A simple warning not to play with older kids and strangers would have made a difference. One good discussion about sex, and telling me it was normal and healthy to masturbate, would have made a world of difference. My life became a living hell because I wasnt given the tools for it to turn out any different. I finally see the bigger picture. This was not my sin. It was not my failure. I am through carrying everyone elses failure like it was my own. Mat was wrong. My parents were wrong. Their wrongs led to me doing wrong, but I was not wrong. I made choices based on faulty, childish assumptions, because I wasnt given the information to do anything else. I am not sick. I am not an animal. My genes are not defective. I am human, and I like sex. Humans are supposed to like sex. I will allow myself to like what I like. Life has handed me these feelings, and I have them because of failures of the people in my life, not because I am faulty. Life made me, and I will no longer blame myself. Jeff would have made better choices if I had known to. I am a loving person, I wouldnt have chosen hate and pain for my life. Others made that choice for me either knowingly or in ignorance, but they made those choices, not me.