Breaking the silence... *trigger*

Breaking the silence... *trigger*
S

survive75

Registrant
In honor of the collective years of pain and silence of everyone here, this is the first time I am breaking the silence on what happened to me. Deep breath... here goes...

When I was four, my mom married Ted. I never liked him from the beginning. He was very scary, huge and angry. At least that's how I remember him. I don't remember my mom ever hitting me, but Ted was very abusive physically to me almost from the start. Oh my god, this is so hard...

He used to drag me to my room for the spankings... I remember screaming and crying and kicking. He would pull my pants down and hit forever and then he would... why can't I write these words??? Ok... to be blunt, he would anally rape me with his fingers. This (and other memories of things that I don't remember fully) happened until about 7 or 8, when they divorced. I saw him once or twice after the divorce, both in my teens. The terror still runs through me and I want to puke when I think about running into him.

I am shaking right now... I can't believe I just wrote those words. I trust that this feeling in my stomach will eventually subside? Regardless of how difficult this was, I do know it was important for me to do this tonight. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to let go of my secrets... still scary as hell to do so, but I hope that it was the right thing to do in here.

-Sean
 
sean,
as i read the words that was so hard for you to convey i went back in time to a memory of when i was about 8 or 9. i was in the back seat of my uncle's wife vehical in the evening heading to a small pentacostal church my family went to. i looked up into that dark sky until my eys caught the rays of the full moon. at that point i reached out somehow to all the children who had been hurt and wondering about the pain they felt. be it a gift, curse, or my imagination, somehow i felt their pain. i wept for a long time but somehow in the end, it also brought comfort. for at least a brief moment, we were not alone. even then my memories were buried but not so deeply that i could not reach out so young to feel their kinship. i know how hard it was for you to share what you did and i am very proud of you and your courage. i want to leave you with the thought that trailed the empathy of that experience so many years ago after that embrace of mutual pain and communion of hope..."Bless you, my son" thank you, sean for helping me remember the last part of that experience, and know the benediction was for you and all the other children who have suffered as well.
 
Sean,

Take a deep breath and let it out, repeat as necessary. See, life does go on.....

Telling that had to be scary for you. It's hard to talk about the things that happened to us without re-living some of those same feelings that occurred then. But now we're much better able to deal with those feelings from a much stronger adult perspective. Sometimes I'm still a bit overwhelmed but I know that I'll make it through it. Sean, you will too.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Speaking, naming, breaking the silence and identifying Ted's sick assaults. Casting the evil secrets into the light and open will without any doubt hasten your healing Sean. What a huge and courageous step for freedom. Your freedom. Peace, Andrew
 
sean just remember it was never your fault or your shame or guilt. It belonged totally to Ted. You were programmed to protect him and you did. So the telling of it makes you realize the shit he put you through.

The main thing to remembe is that now you will never be alone again. We are all here for you. And think of it this way. It is not your dirty little secret anymore. You spit it out so to speak
 
Thanks for your support. Tough night... lots of memories came up after I posted this. Just all of the bits and pieces of memories that I've collected over the years. It still frustrates me that I can't remember fully what happened to me. Then again, a few years ago I hadn't even fully admitted to or remembered the punishments.

Reading your replies was difficult, just knowing that you all know now. And reading his name. I felt the same way I did when I first told my girlfriend. That feeling of wanting to run and hide from the embarrassment.

Thank you again... I don't think I could be getting through this without knowing you all are here to support.
 
Sean
It's a great weight off your mind I bet, to 'share' your problems with us is hard for so many reasons.
You fear you might be judged, but you weren't, maybe Ted's 'threats' will come true, but they didn't.

It's possible you were concerned that sharing your story was going to be too much for us to bear, but it isn't, we've each shared a bit of your pain.
That way it doesn't hurt us.

Dave
 
Sean, welcome here. I am so sorry that you need to find such a place as this, but grateful you found it.

I was sexually abused by a sport coach, from ages 10 to 18, which went so far to include, well, the r-word. Before that, was physically abused much by my father, who caused death of my younger brother. Lately I am realizing he did more at me then I thought, and that my mom was not such the good person in my life as I thought. Have had some difficulties in recent months as well.

I hope that you continue to stay here, and realize that there are many people here that you can learn from, get to know, and have to support you. I wish you luck and wish you well.

leosha
 
Thanks Leosha. It does help to know I'm not alone in this struggle and that all of these feelings that I'm having are "normal" - if anything about this kind of thing can be considered normal.

Lately I am realizing he did more at me then I thought, and that my mom was not such the good person in my life as I thought.
Click to expand...
Ditto. I remember some of the abuse through past therapy... certainly enough to horrify anyone. But there's more that I just can't grasp fully. Frustrating as hell for me. The past few days after posting this have been full of memories, and believe it or not, a lot of them have been filled with anger at my mom not stopping it. Most of my memories are actually of her commenting on or noticing the symptoms of the abuse out loud and doing nothing about it. How could she not put 2+2 together? And if she did, how could she just ignore the fact that her new husband was brutalizing her son in unimaginable ways? I am really hurting and angry - of course at my step-father, but my mother too.

Sorry to vent.
-Sean
 
Sean,

I am so sorry that happened to you. To have this bastard do that to you and hide it (or rationalize it to himself?) as "punishment" is just plain sick.

My memories of abuse at the hands of a counselor came back recently. I know how hard it is to face this. But each time you tell someone, each time you speak out, each time you realize it wasn't your fault, you are taking back the power this cretin robbed from you.

You are the man he will never be. You survived him. And you told on him.

It's hard for me to believe too, but there is a peace that comes from realizing all the sick things that have been done to you. It wasn't your fault. It was NEVER your fault. What the 8 year old in you must have felt is unimaginable. And you survived it. You are strong. The bastard is not.

But you will heal. You will be whole.

We're here for you, brother. I love you and pray for you. No strings.

Peace,

Scot
 
Sean,

It is a good thing to share these "secrets". They are not yours, they are Ted's. The memories may come along as you gain strength to handle them. You gain a lot of strength when you shared your story.

As we discussed last night in the chat room last night, you don't need to have the whole story to begin to heal and to continue the journey. You began when you came here, and furthered it when you posted Ted's secrets. You are on the right path.

I hope you have found a good T to help you along and to help you release your anger in a contructive manner. If not, read the article on Shopping for a Therapist.

Take care of yourself,
Bill
 
Survive75 - The hardest part of recovery is to take that first step. You courageously and bravely stepped out in trust!!! I know how hard it is for CSA survivors to trust! You did that too! The fear of telling held lies; the reality is by telling you opened up to a whole bunch of other survivors who could feel your pain!! You can make that choice to never feel alone again!

Howard
 
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