Breaking Point

Breaking Point
S

Sinking

Registrant
I feel I'm approaching my breaking point. I want to crawl back into my numbness. I'm smoking more and drinking nightly, as usual, to help me sleep. I'm anxious all the time. My heart is racing. I'm having nightmares and memories that I never had before. Everything is a trigger. I desperately need to be heard, be held. Everyone keeps telling me they'll be there for me but no one really is. I understand that too, no one else (with the exception of the members here) can know what I'm experiencing...they still have their daily lives to live and I'm not much more than a big downer in conversation lately.

Shattered soul, Silence intact, Innocence lost, Got the world on my back
But even my wife who said "I'll do whatever you need me to to help you through this" is of little or no help at all. At the end of the day, when we finally have time to talk I try to explain what I'm going through. I do this as she inches her way to the TV room, I sort of follow her there to let her know I still need to talk while she takes her seat and turns on the TV. Then she's gone. The other night while I was trying to explain how this is becoming all-consuming, her response was "You need to find someone to talk to," that's what I thought I was doing. I was talking to the woman I've been with for 25 years!! I know she meant a therapist and I know that this will be the advice from anyone who reads this. I already know I need therapy but I have serious reservations since my last experience. What I'm looking for is someone to just let me talk it out, someone who loves me to listen and try, just try to understand. When I stand there in tears, tears I hadn't let fall for decades, I wish so much that my wife would offer me comfort, take me in her arms and hold me. I actually had to ask her for a hug the other night and even that felt half-hearted when she gave it to me. I want the world to go away. I want to check myself in somewhere and let go completely. I want to be better. I want to find peace.
Thoughts, memories, emotions,
Crawling deep inside;
Like some grotesque, alien insects,
Gnawing on my soul,
Turning it to excrement,
Consuimng my mind,
Dimming the light,
Creeping into sleep,
Terrifying me at night,
Battling them forever,
Omnipresent contenders.
 
Sinking... you know we are all here for you. You know we all understand what you are going through. But I also know how important the human touch is to healing. And to not be listened to can feel so cruel.

Anytime you need to, and I'm sure I speak for everyone here, reach out to us. I know I am right where you are... that feeling of holding onto a thread. And the help I've found here, especially knowing people have been where I am right now and are on the other side of the desperation is the only thing that keeps me hopeful these days.

Nothing's as good as the real thing, but
((((((((HUG))))))))))

-Sean
 
So sorry to hear about your pain. But also as understanding of it as one could be. I remember wanting to squeeze the stories out of myself and understanding that they would just scare most people away. But here, no one is going to be scared away. The stories are just too familiar to be frightening when they come from someone else, and there is great comfort in the shared experience.

Anything you might want to say can be said here. Everything you said in your note struck a chord.

You are not alone in this. Not at all.

I think one of the worst things about being abused is that it's such terrible news for the people we love, and there are so many ramifications that it's not possible for the discussion to go very far without the hearer freaking out a little bit. It's not the usual "I've had a bad day," which implies it'll go away and that the support can be only a few hours or days long.

Supporting someone also means empathizing, and that means feeling along with someone and trying to understand the nature of their pain. When someone tries to empathize with a person who has been sexually abused, they begin to understand the nature of that pain, and this is traumatic. The attempt at support itself leads to a certain degree of deep pain and trauma. So in itself it can be terrible to bear.

I find understanding this helpful. It reminds me that the pain I've known for years may be really new to someone else, and because of this newness, none of the safety valves are in place...and so though the person may want like crazy to help, they become overwhelmed and need support themselves. That's why there are so many support groups for the loved ones of traumatized people.

Remembering this fact of our experience may make it a little easier...at least it does for me.

If your wife is finding it tough to help, it may just be that she is overwhelmed and now full of the pain herself.

I have found that writing the stories out in full helps a lot. It spills the words safely onto the page where they can be looked at from a bit of a distance. So if you're really wanting to be heard, you might just write the things down and share them here. For us here at MS, the stories might really open some doors and deepen our understanding of what happens in our world. And since we've all had some form of the abuse, you'd be in good company...people who will understand without being hurt by the revelations.

I wrote a book a while ago that was full of memory pieces, and I included the story of my sexual abuse. The writing was terribly painful and there were days filled with weeping. But the tears were cleansing and profoundly healing. I decided to tell the stories in graphic detail, wanting every memory to fall out onto the page. It was like taking a scalpel and opening my soul. But once I had the stories on the page, they became much weaker to me...most of the fear and despair went away. Now, when I look at them, they're just stories. And I keep polishing them and sending them around to lit. magazines for publication. Putting them on paper was taking them out of me and depositing them somewhere else. Someplace safe and at a distance.

And putting them in writing means that those who share my pain will do so willingly and with some understanding in advance of what they're getting themselves into. And trying to write them beautifully and precisely meant giving myself the respect of clear understanding and time. I was my own support, and in the end I am the only one who can do the healing for myself. My fears and pain are mine, all anyone else can do is say "it's OK" and try to help me get the strength to move on. So writing meant having my own shoulder to lean on. Not anyone else's, just mine. This was amazingly healing as well. I realized..."I've really got what it takes to move on."

Sorry for the long post. It's just a way of saying I relate to what you're going through, and you're not alone on the path.

Danny
 
Everyone keeps telling me they'll be there for me but no one really is. I understand that too, no one else (with the exception of the members here) can know what I'm experiencing
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Sinking,

I think the survivors here can understand what it's like, but none of us really knows what another goes through. What we do know is how difficult, how painful it is for ourselves.

I think there's a lot of good advice here from Sean and Danny. Keep in mind that you are not really alone, that others have endured stuff like this.

One time when I felt particularly crappy I went back through the old posts here on the board. I saw a lot of login names that I didn't recognize, and several that I do. I saw the same pain, and the same caring, over and over. The pain is real, and the truth is that we have to get through it, not past it, not around it, but through it.

I have a terrible time finding somethng else to discuss with my wife, and there's certainly plenty in our lives that should be food for talk. It takes a tremendous effort to find something else, talk about it, and stay in the discussion. I often fail.

I don't know what your therapy experience was like. I hope it was not itself abusive. I think the idea of getting to therapy is a good one, but I don't know how hard that is in your case. I'm pretty sure recovery for me would be impossible without the therapy. YMMV.

You're not alone in this kind of suffering. There is hope beyond the pain. Keep on keeping on.

Joe
 
Sinking,

I can't add to anything here.

You are not alone. We can feel like we are, particularly if no one in our circle of support is a survivor (I've found, sadly, there are more than I thought possible), but there are people who love you and want to help you. They just don't know how.

They are there for you. They do care. You need to remember that even when they don't know what to say or do. Please find someone to talk to. Do you have a therapist? If not, find one. It was the best thing that happened to me.

You are not alone, Sinking. We care. I care.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Sinking
our wives and partners can have terrible problems truly understanding what went on, and what's going on now.

My wife is very supportive, and we have long talks with no secrets. She knows I acted out with strange men and all the other horrible stuff.

But tonight on British TV there was a documentary about Catholic Priests here in the UK who have abused children. I think that where Boston was a few years ago, we're about to go there.
But that aside, there were various interviews with survivors that were very moving, even though this programe was on TV at 8-30 pm.

I was eating my dinner late and muttering oaths and curses between mouthfulls of food as I watched.
Perhaps I'm getting a bit used to this stuff ?
But my wife was in tears.

For all they try to understand, it's outside all their experiences. Just like the loss of a child is to me - I'll never know the full effect of that.
And therefore I'll never be able to react with true empathy to someone who had lost a child.
Possibly, given half a chance, I would retreat at full speed and let someone who had the right experience take over.

It might not be my choice, but it might be my natural defence.
I just hope that someone who had lost a child, understood my position.

Dave
 
I wish I could hug every single one of you.

Polly
 
Sinking,
I'm sorry for what you went through. Keep posting here, we are here for you. I find that talking to a therapist takes the edge off of my pain so that I can share it with other people without being overwhelmed, or overwhelming their resources. I'm sorry you don't feel your wife is there for you.
Take care, keep looking for support.
Ken
 
Sinking:

The other night while I was trying to explain how this is becoming all-consuming, her response was "You need to find someone to talk to," that's what I thought I was doing. I was talking to the woman I've been with for 25 years!!
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Dave has it right. There is absolutely no way that a person who has not been through what we have can possibly understand the nature of the violation and the shock pain terror humiliation and yes even sometimes the pleasure that whacks us. We survivors are all unique as is the population in general. But we do share the experience and have generally reacted the same way to it. But we did it our way with our own pain etc. We can help each other by sharing our experiences and methods of healing. But for an outsider it is virtually impossible no matter how much they love you. It is beyond their ability to understand.

My wife of 36 years thinks that I should just move on and get over it. I wish it was that simple but it is not. She is there for me when I have nightmares and to comfort me when I feel the world coming down around my head and even sometimes to boot my ass out of the poor me's but to truly understand she cannot get there. And I say THANK GOD FOR THAT.

Just remember that we are all here and fighting the same shit in our own way but we are doing it together.
 
but to truly understand she cannot get there. And I say THANK GOD FOR THAT.
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Amen to that Mike !

Dave
 
I know very much how you feel, that at some point soon it will all disappear, and that you wish it be yourself that disappears. I reached breaking point last week, and am glad I made choice to live instead. I do not know what advice I can give you, I just hope that you will take good care of yourself and keep yourself as safe as possible. I wish you well.

leosha
 
What a great idea for a thread:
WHAT I NEED MY SPOUSE/PARTNER to KNOW, and TO DO.
Perhaps we could get enough ideas there to put it together as a paper they could read, or you could print out for them.

AA and other 12 steps groups have pamphlets like that. They help a lot.

And we could invite them to let us know what they want us to know and what they need.

We get great idea on threads like that. I think it would be a great service to all.

Why not give it a try one of you married/committed guys?

Bob
 
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