Incestuous Abuse Breaking free *triggers

Healing light

Registrant
Recently I have realised that I Carry tons of anger that I still need to let go of and I have admitted to myself but not out loud that I loved my abusers (this is kinda out loud right? ) Before I hated them.

and I have got stuck hating them
AS I'm sickened by what happened

I just want to feel nothing I want them to be irrelevant

So I'm looking for positive outlets for anger realising they taught none so it all builds up inside internalised

How do they sleep , how do they look in the mirror and how do they carry on happily it's like another world to me because I struggle with those things

One of My abusers F he sits in prison , he's no shame he's in general population because he doesn't want to be housed with sex offenders he's got an aversion to his self or does he believe he's not one

So I hate him but once I actually thought he would be the one that stopped bad things happening , I believed he was a good person couldn't of been more wrong. He's good at pretending , good at manipulating.

Do I hate so much because I loved so much as a friend suggested

It's just not me all the anger but it's become part of my life as I work through my trauma

I realise it takes away from the present because right now good things are occurring for me. New beginnings

I'm hoping I can be as peaceful as my surroundings if I let my anger go and that would be great

Any ideas welcome although forgiveness is not where I'm at more anger management I just don't want to wish he'd get struck by lightning or something

Id love to find more inner calm and peace

HL
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
Hi. I think so too, if you hate someone so much it also implies a deep connection. Maybe it’s not even that you actually love them deeply too, but that under different circumstances you could and should have.

it was my father. I hate him intensely but in therapy we used to talk about and therapist would ask “do you love him”. And that was always hard for me - still is - because a part of me certainly wants to. Maybe not him but a father figure, brother figure or intimate (non-sexual) male friendship. I never had that, and I still want it even though it won’t happen.
 

Adam1234

Registrant
I understand what you mean my father physically and mentally abused me my entire childhood and still degrades everything thing I say and do. My brother was the one who sexually abused me from the age of 9 to about 15 if I remember correctly. I also don't understand how they can go on through life without a care in the world knowing what they have done to me and probably many others and turn out to be moderately successful in life. As far as dealing with my anger I purchased a heavy punching bag and whenever I need to I go and try to release all my anger into it and I usually come out feeling better I hope this helps. I am sorry what you are going through I hope you find peace soon.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi. I think so too, if you hate someone so much it also implies a deep connection. Maybe it’s not even that you actually love them deeply too, but that under different circumstances you could and should have.

it was my father. I hate him intensely but in therapy we used to talk about and therapist would ask “do you love him”. And that was always hard for me - still is - because a part of me certainly wants to. Maybe not him but a father figure, brother figure or intimate (non-sexual) male friendship. I never had that, and I still want it even though it won’t happen.
Hey thanks for your message and sharing

I definitely agree with could have or should have had a connection alongside having a connection of sorts that they sabotaged

I wanted a father figure I never had any connection with my father He was abusive and died when I was young
I can identify with what you said

HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
I understand what you mean my father physically and mentally abused me my entire childhood and still degrades everything thing I say and do. My brother was the one who sexually abused me from the age of 9 to about 15 if I remember correctly. I also don't understand how they can go on through life without a care in the world knowing what they have done to me and probably many others and turn out to be moderately successful in life. As far as dealing with my anger I purchased a heavy punching bag and whenever I need to I go and try to release all my anger into it and I usually come out feeling better I hope this helps. I am sorry what you are going through I hope you find peace soon.

Thanks for your message and for sharing

Yeah I need to get a punch bag up and motivate myself , I went from super fit to super unfit after an accident I'm healed there's nothing physically stopping me being fit again could help both issues

Thanks , were all on our own journeys but it certainly does help to know we're not alone while we do that

Peace
HL
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
Thanks for your message and for sharing

Yeah I need to get a punch bag up and motivate myself , I went from super fit to super unfit after an accident I'm healed there's nothing physically stopping me being fit again could help both issues

Thanks , were all on our own journeys but it certainly does help to know we're not alone while we do that

Peace
HL
So many guys here live parallel lives. Yup, I was pretty fit (for me) and pretty stable with weight, nutrition etc until I splatted myself really well on the pavement a few years ago. In the ER I told myself “whatever happens, don’t gain weight”. I was on crutches for weeks, had 4 orthopedic surgeries in a year, all relatively minor but still surgeries, I still eventually may need another one for a rotator cuff tear that bugs me a lot. But nothing is stopping me from most normal activities - except me.

God I really want to get back to a better place physically and mentally. Covid was just the final straw in my slow slide into “I just don’t give a fuck anymore” depression.
 

Healing light

Registrant
So many guys here live parallel lives. Yup, I was pretty fit (for me) and pretty stable with weight, nutrition etc until I splatted myself really well on the pavement a few years ago. In the ER I told myself “whatever happens, don’t gain weight”. I was on crutches for weeks, had 4 orthopedic surgeries in a year, all relatively minor but still surgeries, I still eventually may need another one for a rotator cuff tear that bugs me a lot. But nothing is stopping me from most normal activities - except me.

God I really want to get back to a better place physically and mentally. Covid was just the final straw in my slow slide into “I just don’t give a fuck anymore” depression.

Yeah covid has been massively impactive for sure

Ah man I feel for you it's definitely hard after an accident

I was pretty immobile the first weeks after as I broke my arm and my leg
My lack of motivation is I think a mix of depression and knowing It's going to be a long haul thing some days I think fuck it just give me a burger I don't want to be fit no more
But I actually do

Yeah so many guys do live parallel lives
Were not alone in this , or in healing

Peace
HL
 

seeking_safety

Registrant
Totally identify with the sense of need co-existing (or pre-existing) with the sense of hate/anger/rage. And, so aware of how much anger affects my life now. First part of anger management for me is acknowledging that it's there, every day (and throughout the day). Second part for me is finding times to be with the anger each day. That both means letting myself feel it in a safe space (for me that's using Kundalini Yoga) and be aware of what that anger is trying to protect in me. Usually, for me, what's underneath the anger/rage is either intense terror or shame. Feeling safe enough to be with that more vulnerable stuff is still an ongoing struggle for me. I also spend a lot of time talking with a therapist about how flashes of rage show up in my relationships (especially my marriage) and trying to find ways of catching the escalation in me earlier and earlier so that I can make different decisions. Lastly, I've been thinking a lot about how people hurting me as a kid came from their own rage and how it showed me a particular picture of power. Controlling me through making me fear for my life and making me feel like I couldn't do without them was my experience of power as a kid. I am trying to work out an alternative view on power, because I find that holding onto the view of power that they "taught me" keeps me tied to them.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Totally identify with the sense of need co-existing (or pre-existing) with the sense of hate/anger/rage. And, so aware of how much anger affects my life now. First part of anger management for me is acknowledging that it's there, every day (and throughout the day). Second part for me is finding times to be with the anger each day. That both means letting myself feel it in a safe space (for me that's using Kundalini Yoga) and be aware of what that anger is trying to protect in me. Usually, for me, what's underneath the anger/rage is either intense terror or shame. Feeling safe enough to be with that more vulnerable stuff is still an ongoing struggle for me. I also spend a lot of time talking with a therapist about how flashes of rage show up in my relationships (especially my marriage) and trying to find ways of catching the escalation in me earlier and earlier so that I can make different decisions. Lastly, I've been thinking a lot about how people hurting me as a kid came from their own rage and how it showed me a particular picture of power. Controlling me through making me fear for my life and making me feel like I couldn't do without them was my experience of power as a kid. I am trying to work out an alternative view on power, because I find that holding onto the view of power that they "taught me" keeps me tied to them.
Thanks very much for sharing your message is appreciated

I can totally relate to what you said about view of power and it feels like it keeps me tied to them

I will definitely try taking time to sit with it explore it more what's underneath and feeling it safely and controlled I think that would be beneficial

I have worked alot on escalation I still need to carry on though. I have talked alot with my therapist about what I was "taught" and how that impacts

Sometimes I can be real calm for a long time then I embaras myself. have a blow out
Anger gets mis directed Sometimes to.
I will have to look up that style of yoga I need to get myself back in a routine used to do my meditation and yoga I have let it slip

Thanks again
HL
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Recently I have realised that I Carry tons of anger that I still need to let go of and I have admitted to myself but not out loud that I loved my abusers (this is kinda out loud right? ) Before I hated them.

and I have got stuck hating them
AS I'm sickened by what happened

I just want to feel nothing I want them to be irrelevant

So I'm looking for positive outlets for anger realising they taught none so it all builds up inside internalised

How do they sleep , how do they look in the mirror and how do they carry on happily it's like another world to me because I struggle with those things

One of My abusers F he sits in prison , he's no shame he's in general population because he doesn't want to be housed with sex offenders he's got an aversion to his self or does he believe he's not one

So I hate him but once I actually thought he would be the one that stopped bad things happening , I believed he was a good person couldn't of been more wrong. He's good at pretending , good at manipulating.

Do I hate so much because I loved so much as a friend suggested

It's just not me all the anger but it's become part of my life as I work through my trauma

I realise it takes away from the present because right now good things are occurring for me. New beginnings

I'm hoping I can be as peaceful as my surroundings if I let my anger go and that would be great

Any ideas welcome although forgiveness is not where I'm at more anger management I just don't want to wish he'd get struck by lightning or something

Id love to find more inner calm and peace

HL
HL,

So I think we attribute our anger and rage solely at what our abuser(s) did to us. The violating sexual acts themselves, the betrayal of our abuser, our own response to the abuse, etc. But our anger and rage because of CSA is bigger than just the abuser and the abusive acts and betrayal. Because we don't understand all the emotional dynamics of CSA, we can get stuck on anger / rage like you illustrate.

CSA has cost us so much. There is so much loss associated with CSA. And any loss creates sadness, depression, and grief. Sadness, grief, and loneliness are about the worst feelings we can have. So we either stuff those feelings down deep and hide them, or we replace them with feelings that bring us some pleasure. Feeling anger / rage feels way better than sadness / depression / grief so we will (unconsciously) choose those feelings of anger and rage rather than feeling and dealing with the other feelings.

So what I'm saying is this: we must tune into the feelings of deep, deep sadness and loss that we had as a kid, and we still have now for everything we lost because of what happened to us. We must let those feelings out of those deep places in our hearts. We must sit with those feelings and not try to drive them away or cover them up. And then we must acknowledge all of the loss that makes us feel so, so sad. Last, we must grieve those losses - just like you would grieve a loved one passing. Anger and rage at loss is a part of the emotional equation and process. So properly grieving the losses of your CSA will help process through anger and rage at the same time.
 

seeking_safety

Registrant
So what I'm saying is this: we must tune into the feelings of deep, deep sadness and loss that we had as a kid, and we still have now for everything we lost because of what happened to us. We must let those feelings out of those deep places in our hearts. We must sit with those feelings and not try to drive them away or cover them up. And then we must acknowledge all of the loss that makes us feel so, so sad. Last, we must grieve those losses - just like you would grieve a loved one passing. Anger and rage at loss is a part of the emotional equation and process. So properly grieving the losses of your CSA will help process through anger and rage at the same time.
Amen, @MO-Survivor. So true. I find that the anger leads me to the terror, confusion, sadness, hopelessness, etc that got buried. For me the challenge is developing the safety I need to be able to be with that deep stuff.
 

Healing light

Registrant
HL,

So I think we attribute our anger and rage solely at what our abuser(s) did to us. The violating sexual acts themselves, the betrayal of our abuser, our own response to the abuse, etc. But our anger and rage because of CSA is bigger than just the abuser and the abusive acts and betrayal. Because we don't understand all the emotional dynamics of CSA, we can get stuck on anger / rage like you illustrate.

CSA has cost us so much. There is so much loss associated with CSA. And any loss creates sadness, depression, and grief. Sadness, grief, and loneliness are about the worst feelings we can have. So we either stuff those feelings down deep and hide them, or we replace them with feelings that bring us some pleasure. Feeling anger / rage feels way better than sadness / depression / grief so we will (unconsciously) choose those feelings of anger and rage rather than feeling and dealing with the other feelings.

So what I'm saying is this: we must tune into the feelings of deep, deep sadness and loss that we had as a kid, and we still have now for everything we lost because of what happened to us. We must let those feelings out of those deep places in our hearts. We must sit with those feelings and not try to drive them away or cover them up. And then we must acknowledge all of the loss that makes us feel so, so sad. Last, we must grieve those losses - just like you would grieve a loved one passing. Anger and rage at loss is a part of the emotional equation and process. So properly grieving the losses of your CSA will help process through anger and rage at the same time.
Thanks very much for your message

Alot to think about thanks for sharing from this thread I'm seeing how I can approach things differently

Thanks again
HL
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
There is tremendous grief and sadness over all of the things in life that seem denied. I hate to keep using the word “normal” but “normal” things that most men take for granted in life are difficult to impossible for many of us here. Or if we do try to engage in “typical” parts of life they are much more challenging.

I spent a lot of time in therapy working on the grief and anger of all of the things I felt and still feel are denied to me. I haven’t resolved those feelings at all, because it all still hurts, maybe a little less, but it still does. All of this, all of everything that is holding me back just seems impossible to fix. So at times I think I’m better accepting whatever comes to me. And then I don’t. It’s tiring and confusing.
 

seeking_safety

Registrant
Having both thoughts at different times of wanting to accept what comes and wanting to give space to the grief and anger of what we didn't get both are totally normal and reflects a depth of awareness in you. Our minds aren't linear. Getting to acceptance is a windy road. But acceptance doesn't mean that it won't still hurt. The presenter in the webinar last night has a podcast that is titled "stuck not broken". There's nothing broken in you (or me) that needs fixing.

In each moment, there are choices that promote growth and those that keep me stuck. My intuition, through my body, is the guide on what those choices are and which one is the right one for me in the moment. Supporting myself to feel safe enough to feel whatever I am feeling in my body (including the hurt) as it is also gives me access to my intuition. For me, the hurt is a light that guides me home to myself.
 
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