Brand new to this site-loving wife of survivor
I have been reading the site for a few weeks and this is my first post. My husband is a survivor of childhood clergy SA. He started remembering his SA in spring 2004 and wrestled with it for about 6 months before telling me last fall. We have known each other for 11 years and have been married for 5. He is a wonderful husband and I love him with all my heart. He is truly my soulmate and we have a very strong relationship that has weathered some sizable storms. And this one is a heck of a storm. I am confident that we will weather this one too. I have always assured hubby that I will stand by him through thick and thin, and he tells me that he feels very safe with me. All these good feelings are reciprocated between us. We are best friends and have fun together. He's the light of my life. That's why I'm committed to helping him any way that I can.
He began seeing his T a year ago, a sage and kind lady who specializes in trauma work and has developed a great relationship with hubby. I am very thankful for this. I go to see her as well, sometimes on my own, sometimes together with hubby. She calls me her ally in hubby's recovery. Recently she and hubby completed the most difficult part of the trauma work and hubby is entering a new phase, a phase of taking back control of his life.
I have watched my husband make so much progress in the last year and I have been here encouraging him and giving him my support and love. It has been a trying time. I know that I can never truly understand what he is going through because I have not experienced SA. But I have been depressed, and I try to relate to that aspect of it. When I was depressed, I eventually discovered that exercise helps, as well as staying active to keep your mind on other things. To keep up routines, to eat right, to think positively. He has come a long way from the weeks on the couch last fall and the voluntary hospitalization for 4 days. He has some really good days now, but the pattern is so up and down. The pattern for the last month or two is that he misses 1-2 days of work a week. Work is very understanding about this, as his boss knows the situation. But he'll have a really good day or two, and I'll think that its going to continue, then he will spiral down again for a day or two, then back up. From my optimist's perspective, I see this as progress, because in the up times he is committed to his healing, he says what he is going to do about it, like go to work the next day, not drink (which he does more nights of the week than not), and exercise. He's gained a good deal of weight during the last year and smoking alot more and I'm concerned about the toll that is taking, in addition to the alcohol. On the bad days he says he is "just so tired" and says "it's a constant struggle just going through the day" and "I'm tired of fighting all the time." Right now he's sleeping on the couch and has been since returning home from work, Despite my suggestion we go out for some exercise. In the last week, he has identified that he is feeling agoraphobic at times and doesn't want to leave the house. This is really at odds with his usual self because he has always been the one to want to party and go out with friends.
Sometimes, on the other hand, he will go for long drives and take his journal with him. Sometimes I don't know when he is coming home. This happened earlier this week after an argument, and when he left the house he went to a bar, then proceeded to drive to a town 2 hours away where we don't know anyone. He slept in the car, and I found this out when I called him at 3AM because I was worried sick. Next day we resolved this argument, he saying he realized he had overreacted and me accepting readily but laying some ground rules for future (no drinking and driving, long drives okay as long as I know when returning home and by the end of the evening). Hubby more than met me halfway and is reasonable, thoughtful, not afraid to admit he was wrong. I always try to do the same and am quick to try to resolve arguments.
I guess that is the background. Lately I have been feeling up and down myself, like I am feeling the residuals of what he is feeling. I have felt a bit demotivated about work, and I am in sales, so it is really important to stay motivated. I noticed today that I am getting frustrated about things regarding work way more than I should. Upon receiving a new assignment from my manager, I felt angry and frustrated that she was on vacation and I have yet another project. I am probably just transfering my frustration about personal struggle to work life, and I want to get a handle on this. Hubby calls me his "rock" and I want to remain so. But I am beginning to realize that I need to take care of myself, too. I am going to take part in a support group for survivor loved ones soon, which should help me to understand and to cope. Meantime I am just trying to keep my spirits up and continue to be supportive and encouraging. I try to put hubby's needs before my own, but am realizing I need to take care of myself also, in order to be happy and to be strong for him.
T anticipates that hubby will make a full recovery. Sorry for the long and rambling post, but it was good to get this out. I should also say we are pursuing legal action too, which should be a good step, though difficult. I guess I would like to ask if anyone has any advice for me, how I can encourage, support and help my husband in his recovery. I have already introduced him to this site, which he has thanked me for several times over because he is finding it so helpful. I guess my biggest frustration is wanting to encourage him in the times when he seems to want to just hide from the world. What's the best thing a loving wife can do? Thank you for your insight and caring.
He began seeing his T a year ago, a sage and kind lady who specializes in trauma work and has developed a great relationship with hubby. I am very thankful for this. I go to see her as well, sometimes on my own, sometimes together with hubby. She calls me her ally in hubby's recovery. Recently she and hubby completed the most difficult part of the trauma work and hubby is entering a new phase, a phase of taking back control of his life.
I have watched my husband make so much progress in the last year and I have been here encouraging him and giving him my support and love. It has been a trying time. I know that I can never truly understand what he is going through because I have not experienced SA. But I have been depressed, and I try to relate to that aspect of it. When I was depressed, I eventually discovered that exercise helps, as well as staying active to keep your mind on other things. To keep up routines, to eat right, to think positively. He has come a long way from the weeks on the couch last fall and the voluntary hospitalization for 4 days. He has some really good days now, but the pattern is so up and down. The pattern for the last month or two is that he misses 1-2 days of work a week. Work is very understanding about this, as his boss knows the situation. But he'll have a really good day or two, and I'll think that its going to continue, then he will spiral down again for a day or two, then back up. From my optimist's perspective, I see this as progress, because in the up times he is committed to his healing, he says what he is going to do about it, like go to work the next day, not drink (which he does more nights of the week than not), and exercise. He's gained a good deal of weight during the last year and smoking alot more and I'm concerned about the toll that is taking, in addition to the alcohol. On the bad days he says he is "just so tired" and says "it's a constant struggle just going through the day" and "I'm tired of fighting all the time." Right now he's sleeping on the couch and has been since returning home from work, Despite my suggestion we go out for some exercise. In the last week, he has identified that he is feeling agoraphobic at times and doesn't want to leave the house. This is really at odds with his usual self because he has always been the one to want to party and go out with friends.
Sometimes, on the other hand, he will go for long drives and take his journal with him. Sometimes I don't know when he is coming home. This happened earlier this week after an argument, and when he left the house he went to a bar, then proceeded to drive to a town 2 hours away where we don't know anyone. He slept in the car, and I found this out when I called him at 3AM because I was worried sick. Next day we resolved this argument, he saying he realized he had overreacted and me accepting readily but laying some ground rules for future (no drinking and driving, long drives okay as long as I know when returning home and by the end of the evening). Hubby more than met me halfway and is reasonable, thoughtful, not afraid to admit he was wrong. I always try to do the same and am quick to try to resolve arguments.
I guess that is the background. Lately I have been feeling up and down myself, like I am feeling the residuals of what he is feeling. I have felt a bit demotivated about work, and I am in sales, so it is really important to stay motivated. I noticed today that I am getting frustrated about things regarding work way more than I should. Upon receiving a new assignment from my manager, I felt angry and frustrated that she was on vacation and I have yet another project. I am probably just transfering my frustration about personal struggle to work life, and I want to get a handle on this. Hubby calls me his "rock" and I want to remain so. But I am beginning to realize that I need to take care of myself, too. I am going to take part in a support group for survivor loved ones soon, which should help me to understand and to cope. Meantime I am just trying to keep my spirits up and continue to be supportive and encouraging. I try to put hubby's needs before my own, but am realizing I need to take care of myself also, in order to be happy and to be strong for him.
T anticipates that hubby will make a full recovery. Sorry for the long and rambling post, but it was good to get this out. I should also say we are pursuing legal action too, which should be a good step, though difficult. I guess I would like to ask if anyone has any advice for me, how I can encourage, support and help my husband in his recovery. I have already introduced him to this site, which he has thanked me for several times over because he is finding it so helpful. I guess my biggest frustration is wanting to encourage him in the times when he seems to want to just hide from the world. What's the best thing a loving wife can do? Thank you for your insight and caring.
and glad that he's not really sleeping on the couch!