Bouts of depression and anxiety

[dcwofhs90]

I've been experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety ever since I began processing all the CSA memories about a year ago. I've never had depression or anxiety before. I'm not sure if the CSA is causing this but it'd be awfully coincidental if it's not. It just occurred to me that the way I've been feeling over the past year might be caused by these memories.

Has this happened to anyone else (experiencing depression and anxiety after processing the memories)?

 

[Kintsugi]

I've been experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety ever since I began processing all the CSA memories about a year ago. I've never had depression or anxiety before. I'm not sure if the CSA is causing this but it'd be awfully coincidental if it's not. It just occurred to me that the way I've been feeling over the past year might be caused by these memories.

Has this happened to anyone else (experiencing depression and anxiety after processing the memories)?

Yes! Absolutely. 100%:Yes. Walking through trauma is a lot like a systemic infection related to an infected wound in the body. It’s not unusual for the problem to be addressed surgically but the infection seems to worsen and the symptoms more dramatic. However, you just have to wait out the antibiotics and support hemodynamics until the body finds its way back to stability. Going to therapy is like lancing a deep wound and it releases toxins that inflames and overwhelms the heart and mind. But that’s why we stay in community, because ain’t no one recovering in isolation. We need our clinicians and we need our brothers and sisters. Trauma is wound that has to be treated as an open wound—it is never sutured and closed. Instead we keep the wound open and pack it and unpack—initially several times a day and, eventually, the interval lengthens and the packing/unpacking process becomes less involved and less painful. The point of the metaphor, if you are still reading, is that trauma wounds are healed from the inside out—the infection is pulled out in a gradual process, as healthy tissue begins to fill in. There will be a scar, but the infection isn’t forever. Hope that makes sense.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Going to therapy is like lancing a deep wound and it releases toxins that inflames and overwhelms the heart and mind.

This is the reason why I have not been to a therapist (yet). I know that things usually get worse at first and I just can't fall apart emotionally; I have too many responsibilities to fall apart.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is the reason why I have not been to a therapist (yet). I know that things usually get worse at first and I just can't fall apart emotionally; I have too many responsibilities to fall apart.

It is OK to start slow. There is no time line. Starting is the most difficult part, that first step; climbing the mountain will be at the pace you set. You may feel overwhelmed at times, but look at how you have managed your life with a gaping wound in your heart. I have a feeling you are more than “functional”. And you are not in it alone—it seems to me we have each stumbled into a fraternity of earnest, honest, and compassionate brothers.

I am not downing playing your fear, breaking the silence and reaching out for professional help was terrifying. But, after the first appointment, my mind couldn’t make up crazy any more dramatic suppositions/scenarios because there was now a structure in place. You are stronger than you know and more resilient than you likely give yourself credit for.

 

[dcwofhs90]

It is OK to start slow. There is no time line. Starting is the most difficult part, that first step; climbing the mountain will be at the pace you set. You may feel overwhelmed at times, but look at how you have managed your life with a gaping wound in your heart. I have a feeling you are more than “functional”. And you are not in it alone—it seems to me we have each stumbled into a fraternity of earnest, honest, and compassionate brothers.

I am not downing playing your fear, breaking the silence and reaching out for professional help was terrifying. But, after the first appointment, my mind couldn’t make up crazy any more dramatic suppositions/scenarios because there was now a structure in place. You are stronger than you know and more resilient than you likely give yourself credit for.

Thank you for your encouraging and supportive words. I don't even know you and I can tell that you're an awesome human!

While I'm not against therapy...I will do it at some point...right now, this support group and my best friend/next door neighbor are enough to get me through. Each has helped me more than I ever thought was possible!

 

[Kintsugi]

Thank you for your encouraging and supportive words. I don't even know you and I can tell that you're an awesome human!

While I'm not against therapy...I will do it at some point...right now, this support group and my best friend/next door neighbor are enough to get me through. Each has helped me more than I ever thought was possible!

Awesome. It seems like you have been given all the resources you need for now. That’s enough and you have a willingness to walk through the pain. As your need increases or changes, I am confident the provision will be there for that new level of “enough”. Stay in community and let your best friend love you (and accept the help that is offered)—that is an awesome start!

 

[dcwofhs90]

Awesome. It seems like you have been given all the resources you need for now. That’s enough and you have a willingness to walk through the pain. As your need increases or changes, I am confident the provision will be there for that new level of “enough”. Stay in community and let your best friend love you (and accept the help that is offered)—that is an awesome start!

Thank you