boundaries

[Obi]

what is it with some people being insistent on crossing a boundary that you have put up? disrespecting your wishes, ignoring it and so on.?.?.?

now, i understand that there are times when people will cross the boundary accidentally from not knowing there was one. i would politely let that person know about it. they would apologize and it wouldn't be a problem after that. even i have crossed a boundary accidentally not knowing and have apologized for it...

however, i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about the ones that DO know your boundary that you have laid down and they purposely cross it anyway...

for instance, and i know this one i'm bringing up is not csa related, i have a severe phobia of heights/flying. in fact, it's getting worse the older i get. it has gone beyond paralyzing for me and there is one person, that i have told that i cannot fly, is being insistent on me going with them to another country that would require flying. i've flown before. it was extremely paralyzing and nightmarish for me. it took me several days to calm down, after i landed. hardly slept because i was so terrified. i was totally unable to enjoy the trip at all because once i calmed down from the flight i took, i got extremely wound up again knowing i had to fly back home, which i did. took me even longer to calm down after that flight back home...

i can't do it... yes, i know it's irrational.. yes, i know i actually flew and made it safely.... however, i was in near shock status.. completely frozen.. unable to move other than the extreme shaking i was doing. having extreme panic attack after panic attack... more like one long extreme panic attack while in flight and completely unable to do anything to calm down. my chest hurt for several days.. afraid i was having a heart attack. severe sick to my stomach from the incredibly acid build up from the stress of it...

and a person in my life is almost trying to get me to fly again.... i told this person repeatedly that i cannot do it... that i'm NOT preventing this person from going on a trip abroad..they can go if they want to and take others with them... just that i can't do it...

why is it that people have to insist on crossing this boundary that i have put up for my own physical and emotional health?

 

[traveler]

i think it is a form of narcissism or extreme ego-centrism that they just cannot conceive of anything being serious if it does not affect THEM. it is a total lack of empathy - a character flaw. and most likely you will have to be downright rude to communicate your feelings in a way they can understand. and then they will be offended and make it all about THEM. can you tell that i've encountered such people myself?

be strong and maintain your safe limits, Obi.
LEE

 

[Obi]

That is what I am concerned about, lee. That they would come back at me like I'm hurting them and being totally insensitive and selfish towards them. Thus placing more guilt and shame on me.

 

[don64]

Hi Obi,

My experience is the person I ultimately have to set limits and boundaries with is myself. My question would be "Why do you keep this person in your life?" The behavior you are describing is abusive.

Don

 

[DavoSwim]

Obi,

I understand your situation completely. I too have experienced people who can't take no for an answer or feel that you should make an exception for them.

Traveler was correct and that is one answer. These people cannot comprehend a burden or disability that doesn't affect them. Also, these people feel that you should make an exemption for them, because they feel that they are so important in your life that you should be willing to forgo boundaries for them. It is extremely selfish for them to expect you to to anything and everything to accommodate them.

What is irritating in these situations is that they wouldn't go out of their way on your behalf if the tables were turned.

I wish you well. Stick to your guns. You don't owe these people an apology or an explanation. It is what it is and they just have to accept it or accept what you have to offer. Please don't spend a lot of time agonizing over this. It's not worth it.

Take care,

Dave

 

[Jude]

This person has appointed himself/herself to "fix" you.

Tell them you're not broken, and don't need fixing. If they persist, well....do you really need them in your life?

Jude

 

[Jude]

This person has appointed himself/herself to "fix" you.

Tell them you're not broken, and don't need fixing. If they persist, well....do you really need them in your life?

Jude