Boundaries

[Wuamei]

Men,

Not surprisingly & as it frequently does, the matter of boundaries has come up here in many ways recently. This, and also the signature statement of Little E, "If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!" reminds me of some school history at least here in parts of the USA (which I may've shared before but here goes):

In the 50's & 60's there was for a time a movement
in which some "experts" decided fences around schools & playgrounds were hindering the growth of our children & stifling their creativity. So many schools started taking down their fences, particularly around their play areas.

The expectation of course was that the children would play more freely & more spread thruout the play yard, to it's very edges.

Instead, in school after school, the children all huddled together near the center of the playground
almost afraid to move, some tentatively playing but never venturing far from the protective mass of the security of their fellow students, in the center of the play area.

Swiftly the schools set their fences back up, the children began to play again as before, and the
"experts" crawled back into the woodwork out of which they came.

End of experiment.

Children need boundaries set, they cannot set their own, they need adults to set them, this teaches them how to set them as they grow into adulthood. Adults need the boundaries too.

Especially when those adults are those of us who are often still emotionally stuck in childhood, who are trying to work with our inner children.

Just some thots.

Any thots, opinions, etc, about boundaries?

What they are, how you set them for yourself, how you set them concerning others, experiences with doing this "for better or for worse", helps you've
seen or used for setting boundaries, etc.?

Victor

 

[zadok1]

Boundaries have been vital as I have worked toward recovery and healing. Abuse had eroded my boundaries, and I slowly pushed them back to the point where in some areas of my life I had none at all. I think to try and set boundaries before you have learned about what you want and need is only asking for failure though, because you will set them wrongly. For me, I had to define what I wanted and needed from life, so that I knew where to draw those lines. I had to determine whether I needed to change my perception of something, or to place boundaries on it.

For example, I nearly lost my wife over a cyber-affair. I knew she considered it cheating, but I rationalized it away by saying it was only words, and we werent really doing anything wrong. Once I examined my life and decided that I loved her, and that loving meant honoring her, I determined in needed to set boundaries. I have made it my policy to avoid chatting all together. I never allow myself a protracted interaction with a woman, and I never talk about sex outside of the context of healing and recovery reasons.

Another example, we touched on a few months back in a thread concerning masturbation. Before I got to know and understand myself, I felt that doing it was sinful and perverted. It filled me with shame, and drove a cycle of addiction. After I took time to examine my own values I decided I was wrong. I decided that it could be a healthy tool for life under the right conditions. Then I set the boundaries of how and when I would use it. See had I not taken the time to examine my inner feelings, I would have set a boundary of no masturbation, and I would have failed. That wasnt a reasonable expectation of myself, and unreachable goals only drive a persons esteem lower.

We all need clear-cut and firm boundaries, but we also must make sure we can live by them. Every one here struggles with esteem issues because of our abuse, and we must guard against setting ourselves up to fail with unreachable goals and boundaries. Set them sure, but take time to really think them through before you do. Just my two cents.

 

[Lloydy]

Vic
the story of the experiment and the children finding their natural boundaries made me think that I might have realised my natural boundaries ( I don't know how ) and realised I couldn't carry on acting out and living in a world of pain and confusion.

Where I was was completly out of bounds.

Dave

 

[dc62]

A topic of great interest to me. When I began this journey of recovery, I had no boundries at all, and not even the slightest concept of a self to have boundries around. I had a lot of boundry issues both in jobs and in personal life.

I solved this pretty well in my work life by becoming very clear with myself about what was expected of me, and then performing as honestly and diligently as I could. This was a very difficult process at first, especially when confronted by an aggressive boundry crosser(that used to trigger all kinds of bad behavior from me). But I learned to defend myself against them by relying on the facts and structures as I knew them, and by learning to have faith that the right thing would happen. So far, things have worked out pretty well. I have been at the same job 5 years now and am getting better pay than ever...get calls from headhunters too.

As for personal boundries, I am not very good at that. I am one of the dissociative ones, and I don't think people even sense a self in me, hence why respect a selfless persons boundries. So far, the few times I have set limits have caused huge conflict...very emotionally disturbing to me. I would love to hear from others on this front.