Boundaries not walls
One legacy of the sexual abuse that I suffered is a real lack of a sense of where my personal space, or myself ends and where anothers personal space or self begins.
As a man whose trust was violated in a most egregious manner by a someone who pretended to be a loving father while sexually abusing me, I still bear the marks of poor boundaries.
One way that this shows up in my life today is when I put myself in situations that allow someone to take advantage of me. The feelings afterward of having been victimized are strong, disturbing and unfortunately very familiar.
To experience the discomfort of victimization is a role that I know very well. Though I may complain and play the martyr to some one else's bad acts, I have to acknowledge that today I do have a major role to play in this ongoing abusive dynamic.
I am not a child today. I am an adult. A man with options and choices. When I choose to let someone run all over me or use me in some way, sexual or otherwise, eventually I must come to terms with that part of me that seems to feel right at home in the suffering I endure.
The reason I know that victimization feels familiar and more comfortable than choosing another, more self affirming response to injustice or abuse, is the degree of difficulty involved in making and following through with a different, less victim-oriented reaction.
Example: A guy I know recently asked to stay with me a couple of nights a week while attending school in town this summer. In return, we agreed that he would provide a certain amount of labor on various projects involved in my home remodelling and business.
For a few weeks, all went well. I gave him food and shelter and he worked fairly diligently. Then things changed. He started sleeping in late every morning, not working as he had pledged. He did not do what he had agreed to do. I found myself sweating away out in the field, doing the work he had said he would do; feeling very much betrayed, taken advantage of and victimized by his lack of effort.
I have learned from similar past experiences that it is possible for me to allow a situation like this to continue indefinitely. I will wait for the other person to gain the sort of moral or ethical standard which I feel they lack. In the meantime, I continue to grow more resentful, bitter and convinced that the world and the people in it are out to get me.
However, as part of my program of recovery from the effects of sexual abuse, I have adopted a strict time limit on how long I will wallow in the mire of "look how they are mistreating me now". Generally two full days and nights are way more than enough. Because of my awareness of how the old pattern of being abused plays out in my life, it is hard for me to tolerate much more than this.
So, I resolved to take action, to stop being a victim, to take some action that would allow me to regain a sense of myself, to establish boundaries beyond which I choose to not allow others to transgress. Having resolved this, I found it extremely difficult to proceed. I wanted to tell this guy that he wasn't doing what he promised so the deal was off and to get out of my house. But I simply could not get the words to come out.
I can spend a long time analyzing why and wherefore it is so hard for me to confront injustice in my own life. And I regularly schedule time to do that with others or my spiritual adviser.
But I am convinced today that all the analyzing in the world will not produce the amount of courage needed to go beyond the familiar limits of my victimized behavior and to venture into new realms of asserting my right to exist free of abuse and misuse.
So instead I concentrated on accessing the courage needed to respond to this situation in a new, different and unfamiliar way. And without going into the details, I found the courage. I stated my position that this was to be the last week that my buddy could stay with me. I let it go at that.
It was very liberating to not "explain" why I didn't like be taken advantage of; or to "teach" him what he was doing wrong. Instead I simply stated my preference, which as owner of the house, is my right and my responsibility, and that was it. He didn't ask why. I suspect he knew.
It seems so easy, but how hard it was to get the words out of my mouth. But the courage to do it came. From talking my situation over with others, by practicing in my mind, by asking for help from my Higher Power.
It all sounds so small when reduced to words on paper. The power I feel in taking back the boundaries of my life is enormous. It is very affirming. And it provides another brick in a solid foundation of a new way of being.
Walls are a way to protect myself. While they keep others out, they also trap me inside. They are rigid and undiscerning in their affect.
Boundaries are flexible, leaving me to decide who or what to let in; how far I will allow myself to go. They require discernment and an assumption of responsibility on my part. I am obliged to play an active role in what comes into the sphere of my existence.
It's not easy to do all the time. I'm still feeling some mixed emotions in the aftermath. The established order of "me as victim" has been altered.
What do I do when I'm not a victim? The answer I'm sure is to be found in living every day, one situation at a time. It seems tougher and more demanding than being a victim but it's really not. It just seems that way.
Being a victim demanded that I give up my right of self.
Establishing, living and acting within my own boundaries enhances my self esteem and my ability to trust and love others.
I still suffer many ill effects from the sexual abuse in my life. But today because I can choose to establish boundaries rather than build walls, I no longer must go through any of this alone.
And for that I am grateful.
If you are reading this as a survivor of sexual abuse, I want to share with you that it is possible to recover. That is my experience.
Don't give up. Come here and find the courage needed to venture bey0ond the familiar, painful walls of victimhood.
It's a beautiful world out there.
Thanks.
As a man whose trust was violated in a most egregious manner by a someone who pretended to be a loving father while sexually abusing me, I still bear the marks of poor boundaries.
One way that this shows up in my life today is when I put myself in situations that allow someone to take advantage of me. The feelings afterward of having been victimized are strong, disturbing and unfortunately very familiar.
To experience the discomfort of victimization is a role that I know very well. Though I may complain and play the martyr to some one else's bad acts, I have to acknowledge that today I do have a major role to play in this ongoing abusive dynamic.
I am not a child today. I am an adult. A man with options and choices. When I choose to let someone run all over me or use me in some way, sexual or otherwise, eventually I must come to terms with that part of me that seems to feel right at home in the suffering I endure.
The reason I know that victimization feels familiar and more comfortable than choosing another, more self affirming response to injustice or abuse, is the degree of difficulty involved in making and following through with a different, less victim-oriented reaction.
Example: A guy I know recently asked to stay with me a couple of nights a week while attending school in town this summer. In return, we agreed that he would provide a certain amount of labor on various projects involved in my home remodelling and business.
For a few weeks, all went well. I gave him food and shelter and he worked fairly diligently. Then things changed. He started sleeping in late every morning, not working as he had pledged. He did not do what he had agreed to do. I found myself sweating away out in the field, doing the work he had said he would do; feeling very much betrayed, taken advantage of and victimized by his lack of effort.
I have learned from similar past experiences that it is possible for me to allow a situation like this to continue indefinitely. I will wait for the other person to gain the sort of moral or ethical standard which I feel they lack. In the meantime, I continue to grow more resentful, bitter and convinced that the world and the people in it are out to get me.
However, as part of my program of recovery from the effects of sexual abuse, I have adopted a strict time limit on how long I will wallow in the mire of "look how they are mistreating me now". Generally two full days and nights are way more than enough. Because of my awareness of how the old pattern of being abused plays out in my life, it is hard for me to tolerate much more than this.
So, I resolved to take action, to stop being a victim, to take some action that would allow me to regain a sense of myself, to establish boundaries beyond which I choose to not allow others to transgress. Having resolved this, I found it extremely difficult to proceed. I wanted to tell this guy that he wasn't doing what he promised so the deal was off and to get out of my house. But I simply could not get the words to come out.
I can spend a long time analyzing why and wherefore it is so hard for me to confront injustice in my own life. And I regularly schedule time to do that with others or my spiritual adviser.
But I am convinced today that all the analyzing in the world will not produce the amount of courage needed to go beyond the familiar limits of my victimized behavior and to venture into new realms of asserting my right to exist free of abuse and misuse.
So instead I concentrated on accessing the courage needed to respond to this situation in a new, different and unfamiliar way. And without going into the details, I found the courage. I stated my position that this was to be the last week that my buddy could stay with me. I let it go at that.
It was very liberating to not "explain" why I didn't like be taken advantage of; or to "teach" him what he was doing wrong. Instead I simply stated my preference, which as owner of the house, is my right and my responsibility, and that was it. He didn't ask why. I suspect he knew.
It seems so easy, but how hard it was to get the words out of my mouth. But the courage to do it came. From talking my situation over with others, by practicing in my mind, by asking for help from my Higher Power.
It all sounds so small when reduced to words on paper. The power I feel in taking back the boundaries of my life is enormous. It is very affirming. And it provides another brick in a solid foundation of a new way of being.
Walls are a way to protect myself. While they keep others out, they also trap me inside. They are rigid and undiscerning in their affect.
Boundaries are flexible, leaving me to decide who or what to let in; how far I will allow myself to go. They require discernment and an assumption of responsibility on my part. I am obliged to play an active role in what comes into the sphere of my existence.
It's not easy to do all the time. I'm still feeling some mixed emotions in the aftermath. The established order of "me as victim" has been altered.
What do I do when I'm not a victim? The answer I'm sure is to be found in living every day, one situation at a time. It seems tougher and more demanding than being a victim but it's really not. It just seems that way.
Being a victim demanded that I give up my right of self.
Establishing, living and acting within my own boundaries enhances my self esteem and my ability to trust and love others.
I still suffer many ill effects from the sexual abuse in my life. But today because I can choose to establish boundaries rather than build walls, I no longer must go through any of this alone.
And for that I am grateful.
If you are reading this as a survivor of sexual abuse, I want to share with you that it is possible to recover. That is my experience.
Don't give up. Come here and find the courage needed to venture bey0ond the familiar, painful walls of victimhood.
It's a beautiful world out there.
Thanks.