Body Terror/SA of Babies -- May Trigger

Hello All:

What is body terror? As far as I know, it's not a recognized term. It's just something I coined to describe what happens in my body from time to time.

It's not a panic attack. It's not a flashback--at least not in the usual sense of reliving scenes from the past. And it's not a body memory, per se.

It can strike anytime, any place. Often when I am in a good mood. Suddenly my body goes into this feeling of terror, as if someone is pointing a gun at my head or I'm in a car headed for a cliff. And my body responds as if the terror is really happening then. But like I said, my mind can be perfectly calm, perfectly at ease. That's how it differs from a panic attack. That and the fact that it can go on and on for hours.

So far, I have met very few people who really know what I am talking about. It has my doctor stumped and my therapist puzzled. In fact, they have referred me for a psychiatric evaluation to see if the psych can sort it out. That should happen in the next couple of weeks.

But I am wondering...do you think this body terror could have something to do with the fact that I was sexually abused as an infant? At a time when I didn't have the usual thinking processes for it to even register as a flashback? But maybe it's a little baby thing, this body terror I feel?

If anyone knows anything about this, I would appreciate any references you may have come across. Or any experiences you might have had or heard about.

I want to be as well informed as I can when I go to see the psychiatrist.

Thanks in advance!

Jasper

P.S. I've got it right now. And it is so painful!

 

Hello Gentlemen!

I just wanted to mention that I got a very nice, extremely helpful PM from a "friends & family" member of this site. I hope to correspond with her and gain some undersanding of this phenomenon. My instincts tell me that my body terror is indeed related to the SA I experienced at 9 months old.

But I am very much hoping to hear from Howard, and Ken Singer on this point. Either through post or private message. Howard, Ken, please tell me--what has been your experience with adults who were victimized starting as babies? Are there unusual symptoms that appear? Additional prooblems with which they must contend? Any insights are most welcome. Thanks in advance.

And thanks to you, whoever you are, if you happen to read this and decide to post or PM me. I want to hear from you! Even if you are not quite sure what this is all about, your feedback matters to me. Please write.

All the best!

Jasper

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

Jasper:
My training/experience has been that on a conscious level, people cannot remember things before the age of 3 1/2 or 4. That does not say that people don't have "body memories" but it is about the development of language to make sense of memories.

The memory development people say that our "memories" that we have prior to age 3 1/2 or 4 are usually triggered or reinforced by outside sources such as a photograph or recollection of a relative. (Such as seeing a photo of a childhood stroller you had that rekindles a "I remember that stroller" when it was given away when you were 2 but the photo remains and it triggers a "memory" of going for walks with your grandmother when you were 15 months old.)

The body memories that some people have are more controversial. Some people believe that you can have the body memory of a painful or significant event, such as anal penetration, before the development of language.

In other words, if you have a memory of something at age 9 months, it is likely to be a body memory, if anything. A child/infant of that age is unlikely to be able to have the language to connect "pain" with "Uncle Ted" and "buttocks" or body part. It doesn't mean that the memory is false, but the development of language is still months away from the child and while there may be some connection to a body pain or some other physical cue, it is unlikely that the child will have the kind of memory we have as children or adults.

Hope that answers the question. I would suggest a more thorough search on Google or other search engine to examine "body memories" and try to stick with the more scientific responses.

Ken

 

Thanks, Ken! That was very helpful.

I don't really know how I know I was abused at 9 months old. It's kind of a combination of things. It just so happened that one day, in response to a post in this forum, I blurted that out without even thinking about it. The topic was what kind of child "attracted" molesters and for some reason, I got very furious. Without giving it a second thought, I found myself writing how I was abused at 9 months old.

Then later, when I thought about it, it made sense with other things I already knew about my childhood. For example, around that age I was constantly crying and turning blue. My parents didn't know what was wrong with me. They took me to a doctor. He wasn't sure what was wrong with me either. But it seems that as more and more people started watching me closely to see what was causing the mysterious crying--it stopped.

I now believe that it was my older brother covering my mouth and nose with his hand. So this is the kind of overall "body terror" that I think I feel today. Not a specific sensation but an overall feeling of...terror.

I believe he also began playing with my penis at the same time. In the beginning it was nothing more than a childish attempt to get me in trouble when my Mom was changing my diaper. He would pull on me so I would urinate on the diaper. And that, I think, is how it got started.

I realize these things are very controversial. If someone had told me all this before, I would have had my own doubts. But now...well, I believe that something is going on here. And it's exactly because I don't have any words or images to put together with the body sensations, that it is so terrifying to me.

But I will definitely do as you suggest and see what I can find on the Web.

Thanks, Ken!

Jasper

 

[VN]

I - am not full confident, I understand, about what you speak, or if it happens with me. I know, that last months as which I begin to 'deal' of such problems, there - very much which happens, intellectual and physical, I not so understand.

I regret to you, that you know about such abusings at such age. I do not recollect, when it begins in my house. I know, that it happens in my earliest memoirs before I start at school when to me 4. But I do not know as early. It - disgust for me to think of such small child having necessity to suffer so. But all this, it is vile to me.

I hope for you, that it is revealed, what reason, that your pain is, and it is possible to have the help. I had many physical pains the majority of my life from illness, and it can cause such other problems in emotion. I regret, that happen with you.

VN