Body Talk

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Guys,

I had an unusual experience yesterday that I'd like to share.

As I've been exploring the concept of Fawning as a response to threat and abuse, I've been consciously putting as much distance as possible between my mother (my abuser) and I. It felt good.

Recently I had to visit in order to receive some material support from her and got into a much deeper than expected conversation with her. She apparently recognizes the early childhood trauma that are very likely contributors to my severe health challenges but finds a way to worm her way out of taking any responsibility for failing to act in more constructive ways by framing herself as the victim/martyr of greater social forces.

Once I got home, my anger spiked badly. I felt a seething rage at her for her unwillingness to take any responsibility for her role in what happened to me (She denies the sexual abuse completely). This is very unusual for me and highly taboo both culturally and in my birth family. I contemplated taking her up again on a past offer to "Help any way she can" and ask her to take responsibility for her failures.

Overnight, my body showed strong signs of distress so I tossed out that plan and focused on putting as much distance between herself and I as possible. Louise Hay's book "You can Heal Your Life" mentions that the physical symptom that flared up most strongly is related to "Fear. A blockage in the letting go process". I think I've been clinging to the longing for the safe affection I never got and keep cycling through a futile pattern of Fawning behaviours and getting angry when my needs aren't met (again!) by her or anyone else. Time to get away from her!

I found a description of a personality type that fits her well. " A sense of shame permeates her inner landscape". "They do not take criticism well and are intensely self justified." "Their health issues include chronic tightness in the chest, difficulty breathing..." " Relating to them can be a puzzling business". All of this fits her well.

The same book of personality descriptions describes my road to health as "Detachment". I have to learn to detach from the trauma of my youth (rather than getting angry about it and blaming people) and nourish healthier social connections and safer inner landscapes. It's not easy given that I'm very dependent for material support on my mother right now and the traumatic patterns were set up in utero. I'd love to change my material dependency on her... Work in progress.

Cheers,

S

 

[Chris4TheMill]

SubtleStuff,

I know for me I had to eventually accept the fact that the people who hurt me most were/are not so much evil as they were weak and emotionally dysfunctional (well, except for my mother, she was a little of both!).

We all have weaknesses and limitations. Therefore, many times they're just not able to control their behavior, give us what we need as children, or take any responsibility for it later.

...And if you ask me, they should never have been parents, but that's a whole nother story...

I had to start letting go of the hope that these people would change someday. Trying to confront them or get them to take responsibility never seemed to work, and it always made me feel worse.

Getting go of that misplaced hope was a hard, long process, but a very necessary one for me to gain my own self-hood apart from them.

To get there I had to go through a lot of emotions, like anger, grieving, etc. I don't think there's necessarily anyting wrong with your anger, depending on how much it affects you physically. Just don't make the mistake of bottling up your emotions - that'll just delay your progress. Find safe ways and places to express them. That way you can purge them over time, and they won't be festering inside you, causing a lot of internal issues.

You made the right decision not to confront your mother at this time. She doesn't sound like she's ready to accept responsibility. It's disappointing but this is all she's capable of right now. Maybe her helping you in other ways is like her subconscious way of atoning for her past actions. In any case, it's good to take breaks from her and gather some strength.

I hope you have some people to talk to about all this... I know you say there's not much around you, but there has to be something or someone, no?

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Chris,

There is much in what you say that is relevant to me. I had an interesting experience last night. My gut started to hurt and as I welcomed that sensation and sought its message for me I recognized a great deal of fear of doctors (I tend to fear all people who occupy parentifying positions of authority). When I asked my gut what it wanted to do it kind of went into a twisted shape in my imagination and then later my arms started to buzz and tingle. In asking what they wanted to do, it was to grasp, reach out for nourishment and safety. So I slowly went through this motion and my gut calmed alot.

My mother represses a great deal of intense anger. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a very early urge in me to reach out for support was interrupted out of my fear of her unexpressed (but likely strongly felt by me) anger.

The whole thing was intriguing to me and fit with the process outlined in Peter Levine's book on healing trauma called "In an Unspoken Voice". Amazing book! I highly recommend it!

I hope you have some people to talk to about all this... I know you say there's not much around you, but there has to be something or someone, no?

Yesterday I had my first session with a local therapist. It was good to find someone local I could work with (no small feat having gone through many). The therapist I used to work with via videoconference was good but the distance didn't do much to help me create a safe social scene locally. This guy is much better that way. Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it very much.

Sincerely,

S

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Guys,

I contemplated taking her up again on a past offer to "Help any way she can" and ask her to take responsibility for her failures.

This piece is haunting me. I've been through some intense body symptoms and did a stupid thing by inviting my mother recently to a seminar related to my healing process. I completely silenced myself during the seminar due to her presence and resented it immensely.

In remembering Desmond Tutu's approach to forgiveness there are a couple of pieces missing (1. Tell my story 2. Name the hurt(s). 3. Honour our shared humanity. i.e. Would I have done the same under similar circumstances? 4. Renew or release the relationship.).

The story and my hurts are pretty much out in the open. Would I have done the same as her under similar circumstances? In the past, perhaps. The emotional hurt she inflicted on me recently? No... I wouldn't have done the same. I know that because I asked for forgiveness from my ex-wife not too long ago. The circumstances of what happened there aren't all that different from what happened in my early youth with my mother (not much awareness of what was happening. Very poor social support for positive outcomes). My mother isn't asking for my forgiveness. She's protecting herself from the shame of having participated in a dynamic that was deeply hurtful to her son.

I'm going to bounce this off my Therapist but I think before I release the relationship I would like to give her the opportunity to renew it by taking responsibility for the hurts she's inflicted on me.

Just thought I'd keep you posted.

Cheers,

S

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Guys,

I think before I release the relationship I would like to give her the opportunity to renew it by taking responsibility for the hurts she's inflicted on me.

This conversation actually went quite well. I had a rather long talk with her this morning and she recognized some the early childhood traumas of which I am aware. She seems to realize that things could have been done better and that there were things she should have done to prevent the kind of trauma I endured. She mentioned that these events can't be changed. I stressed the importance of honouring their reality and learning from them. She agreed to this. She also mentioned that there is more than one potential source of my health concerns. I agreed with this. I learned a few things that I didn't know and stressed the importance of expressing her anger at the source of it rather than simply swallowing it. She seemed to recognize this too.

All in all, it went better than I expected. Quite the relief. Looks like I'm on to building a healthy sense of community locally and renewing my relationship with my mother.

Thanks for giving me a place to share my healing journey.

Cheers,

S

 

[Tom E.]

Right on!

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Tom!

The support I've received here at MS has been invaluable. I'm glad that the beginnings of a similar support community is starting locally for me. I have to be careful of being overenthusiastic (particularly with my mother) and getting hurt again, but there are some good things happening.

Thanks again for the kudos!

S

 

[sand shore]

Wow,

it looks you made an amazing progress, well done you.
I wanted to share something relevant for the first post you made - about you feeling postponed anger - i felt it alot too, and during my attempts to find my recovery path it became easier to feel my anger about some memories or realizations which come up.
To myself i explain it in a way that a child i was could not show anger, because it was dangerous, and it got internalized. So every time i feel some anger about my past directed outwards i kinda feel a little bit better about myself afterwards.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Sand Shore,

Thanks for the kudos! It is a big change and part of it is that I think my mother is wanting to leave this earth without too much of a mess left behind her. She's fairly healthy, but elderly. Many of her friends have died or are dying so it's very much on her mind. Unlike my siblings, I'm struggling a great deal.

I've found anger towards my mother and women to be a very challenging emotion to feel at all. Many years ago a female therapist asked me about my anger and I promptly got very sick. It took me five months to recover! Now I work with male support people only.

This instance was new. In my mother's presence I felt anger but I directed it at concepts and not directly at her. Later, when I was on my own, I started to feel it towards her and allowed my fantasy world to explore the violence that I typically repress. Feeling it and identifying the associated body sensations gave me access to body memories that make alot of sense to me.

At one point I felt my arms wanting to reach out (for safety? or nourishment?) and recognized that this urge was likely interrupted because the emotional climate within my mother around my birth was so heavily disturbed with anger and grief. It would have felt very unsafe and put me in a difficult spot. From what I understand about infants, they tend to blame themselves.

Seems like this pattern is releasing and I'm finding ways to escape it. I've still much work to do on my body but I'm glad I've survived this piece.

Thanks for writing!

Cheers,

S

 

[focusedbody]

Hey, Subtle Stuff.

As your moniker suggests, the work you do is subtle, and perhaps experienced that way as well.

When you mentioned safer inner landscapes, I felt a little inspired. It has been a struggle to describe to others an internal process, even as I find different modes for expression.

Perhaps, as you suggest, it begins with a safer landscape that reflects a wisdom and intelligence accompanying a sense and knowledge of oneself.

It's important to leave room for learning. It may unfortunately be true that as men, we were once taught that there was nothing to learn emotionally.

I hope that this is not true, and appreciate your sharing your efforts and progress.

FB

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks FB,

Perhaps, as you suggest, it begins with a safer landscape that reflects a wisdom and intelligence accompanying a sense and knowledge of oneself.

Yes, I've been doing a fair amount of work exploring Richard Miller's iRest program for PTSD. I really like his attitude towards body sensations (comfortable or not), feelings, emotions, and thoughts. He talks about welcoming them to stay as long as they need to. He describes them as messengers helping me on my path to health, wellness, and resilience.

Typically, in the past, a painful body sensation would generate a sense of fear and panic that would create all kinds of inner turmoil and feed my inner sense of threat. I would often get angry at my body for not responding to my efforts to help it in a way that I thought should work. Now I'm more open to their message to me. Finding ways to create a more harmonious inner landscape seems to be helping me create it on the outside too.

I'm glad my posts are supportive of your efforts to heal yourself.

Cheers,

Garth