Blind date

[deck]

I just got back from a blind date. some friends of mine set us up. she seems very nice. The date seemed to go fine. We had dinner, talked, played some pool. She was very nice and very attractive. We shook hands and I asked if I could call her. She said yes. I like her. And I feel terrible about it.

Before we'd gone out to our respective cars I had thought about trying to kiss her goodnight. And I started feeling guilty. I shook her hand and we parted ways. The guilt continued on the way home. I called a friend of mine on my cell-she had been involved in setting us up. I told her about the date and that some melencholy had set in. I told her that I had started thinking and second guessing myself but wasn't specific. She said it sounded positive that I shouldn't feel bad. That she had agreed to see me again. I like her and I want to see her but, as stupid as this sounds, I feel terrible that I find her attractive.

This is why I don't date much if I like them and find them attractive then I feel guilty about it. I look for ways to rule out women to date, just keep them as friends.

 

[tbar]

Deck,
Sounds like you had a nice date. Not sure why you felt quilty, for wanting to kiss her or for not trying? I would not worry about, she is intrested it seeing you again so it must of went well. I know how you feel as it is akward sometimes knowing how to end the night. To bad you have the feelings of guilt for finding her attractive. Hopefully just talking about it will help.
Tom

 

[deck]

hey tom- honestly I think the guilt has more to do with finding her attractive and wanting to act on that.

 

[tbar]

Deck,
I think that is natural. The way it is suppose to be. Develope a relationship into a mutual agreed upon course of action, respecting boundries and all. Know if your thinking of manipulation and deceit then yes you should feel quilty. I'm I watching to much Dr. Phil
Tom

 

[roadrunner]

deck,

I think many survivors have difficulty with this area and for all kinds of reasons. For example, if you were abused in a context where displays of affection quickly turned into sex, then the message to you as a boy is that showing affection can lead to harm. Or your abuse history may have led you to link sex of any kind with abuse. So anything that suggests the approach of an opportunity for sex may also suggest the approach of an opportunity for abuse - featuring you as either the abuser or the abused.

You don't give much of a context in your post, but you do mention guilt. So I wonder if you are doing something that is also very common among survivors: mixing up feelings and actions. How many times have we ALL thought in our hearts: "I could just clobber him/her!" Or: "If I stole X I could sell it and make a lot of money." But we don't hit that annoying person, so we haven't DONE anything and we don't feel guilty. And we haven't snatched that object, so we aren't thieves and here too we don't feel guilty. The difference between the thought and the act is clear and distinct - it has a meaningful impact on the conclusions we draw.

But for a survivor this obvious and important difference between thinking and doing gets hijacked, especially when it comes to sex. The survivor is probably already full of bad thoughts about himself, so when anything relating to sex comes up he thinks, "Aha!" Another proof of how bad and guilty he is.

We do this because sex isn't in our heads as a normal part of our lives; we don't see sexual feelings as healthy and fulfilling, but as dangerous and guilt-ridden. As a topic we think about, sex is socked away separately with the abuse we suffered, if at least, whenever we think of sex the memories of abuse come tumbling out of the box along with it.

I think it's a positive sign that you called someone and spoke with her about the problem, even if only indirectly. Talking about it helps us to understand what's going on. Do you have safe family or friends you can speak with more specifically? It is so important, for this and lots of other reasons, to have a support group that knows your case and that you can rely on when you need to talk.

Is this part of a larger problem with sexual feelings? I kind of suspect it is, because you say you feel guilty just because you find this woman attractive. That could be very important.

Just to give an example, a boy who was told "Lovely boy", "Beautiful boy", or "Wonderful boy" by the abuser may conclude that his handsome appearance "attracted" the abuse, so again, the whole thing is his fault. He will hate his appearance, dislike mirrors, and feel alarm and danger in any situation where someone finds HIM attractive, or where he finds someone ELSE attractive.

That's just an example, and my point is only that things get very complicated here. If any of this rings true with you (and of course maybe it doesn't) it really is something that ought to be worked on in therapy. A good T will help you to find solutions that suit your own particular situation.

Much love,
Larry

 

[deck]

Thanks Larry. And yes, I do have a small group of friends/family (my brothers) that I have trusted with this. They are supportive which I know is very fortunate.

Although my parents weren't the ones who abused me sexually, they were very abusive in other ways (physically, mentally and emotionally). I did come away feeling as if I was damaged goods. My parents would often tell me that I would "ruin a woman's life" and never to get married.

I think the guilt comes from not wanting to screw up some one else's life. I feel a drive, an attraction and then just feel terrible about it. I feel this drive and then I feel I have to resist it. Sometimes resisting it takes a lot. And then I feel anger resisting something that so many others are allow to have. Of course, I tend to turn that anger inward.

And you cann't explain it. Not really. This just seems to reinforce the idea of being damaged. and it just keeps spiraling.

It's aggravating because looking at it intellectually- I can understand it but when Im in the situation then the emotional part kicks in and I become overwhelmed. I do feel a terrible anount of guilt and confusion.

 

[roadrunner]

Deck,

It's aggravating because looking at it intellectually- I can understand it but when Im in the situation then the emotional part kicks in and I become overwhelmed. I do feel a terrible anount of guilt and confusion.

I think you are encountering a problem I also had for a time. I would at some level "know" a point to be true, and I could tell myself intellectually that this knowledge was clear and certain. But then I would STILL be unable to act on the basis of this knowledge, and that was a source of endless frustration for me.

What I didn't realize was that when we are dealing with our feelings about ourselves it isn't enough to "know" the truth of something. We have to "believe" it as well, by which I mean we have to have some confidence in our hearts that this truth really does have some relevance to ourselves.

Beyond that, I discovered that I also had to "trust" what I believed. That is, I had to have taken it in to such an extent that I was willing to actually USE it as a block, if you like, in my effort to rebuild my life.

From what you say in your last post I can easily see how you could have issues with attraction to women if you were repeatedly being told by your parents that you would fail with women and ruin someone's life. What a miserable thing to say to a boy!

I think you will get past this, but just give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Unfortunately, we can work very hard at recovery, but we still cannot hurry it.

Much love,
Larry