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- Thread starterTrevor
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Trev,
I hear you with that question. You just described me. I can never answer questions like that under pressure. If I try, it make a real muck up of the whole thing and end up being misunderstood.
I tell you what would help tho. Next time you think of a reason, quickly right it down so you can have it next time you see the doc.
BTW, glad to see you back.
Lots of love,
John
I hear you with that question. You just described me. I can never answer questions like that under pressure. If I try, it make a real muck up of the whole thing and end up being misunderstood.
I tell you what would help tho. Next time you think of a reason, quickly right it down so you can have it next time you see the doc.
BTW, glad to see you back.
Lots of love,
John
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
This will sound silly, but you think that way because you think that way.
The idea that it was all your fault is something you learned as a younger boy, and I bet the abuser encouraged you in that too. As the abuse goes on and on, the boy just can't imagine any other reason why this is happening to him. He thinks he didn't deserve any better, he really was that worthless.
An abused boy doesn't stop feeling that way just because the abuse stops. Those feelings of blame, guilt and shame just keep bubbling along until he gets help with getting rid of them.
This takes time, but you will get through all this. You have what it takes, bro, and everything you have posted here so far shows that so clearly.
Much love,
Larry
This will sound silly, but you think that way because you think that way.
The idea that it was all your fault is something you learned as a younger boy, and I bet the abuser encouraged you in that too. As the abuse goes on and on, the boy just can't imagine any other reason why this is happening to him. He thinks he didn't deserve any better, he really was that worthless.
An abused boy doesn't stop feeling that way just because the abuse stops. Those feelings of blame, guilt and shame just keep bubbling along until he gets help with getting rid of them.
This takes time, but you will get through all this. You have what it takes, bro, and everything you have posted here so far shows that so clearly.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
That doesn't surprise me at all. You want to know something? My abuser used to pull up beside me in his car and tell me to get in - I did it. He told me call him Daddy - I did. He told me to beg for what HE wanted, using swear words I didn't even know - I did that too. I did it all. Over four years I never really said no - not once.
When I was 14 and looked back at everything that had happened, all this "proved" to me how guilty and worthless I was. But now I see the truth.
He WANTED me to feel that way. He NEEDED me to feel that way in order to keep me quiet and make things easy for him. It was BECAUSE OF HIM that I believed all those bad things about myself.
But the truth is this: An abused boy isn't just phyically hurt, he is emotionally destroyed, bit by bit. The confusion, shame, fear, guilt - all that builds up and soon, because he doesn't see any other explanation, he thinks these things are happening to him because he deserves them. He thinks he really is that worthless. That's a very dark place to be in, Trev, as you know. And let me tell you this: there isn't a boy in the world that can't be destroyed like this if a clever abuser gets ahold of him and isn't detected somehow.
When you said yes and you wanted to, all that shows is how badly you had been wrecked. I am so sorry bro. You deserved so much better.
And we come back to a line you have heard before: Even THIS was not your fault.
Much love,
Larry
That doesn't surprise me at all. You want to know something? My abuser used to pull up beside me in his car and tell me to get in - I did it. He told me call him Daddy - I did. He told me to beg for what HE wanted, using swear words I didn't even know - I did that too. I did it all. Over four years I never really said no - not once.
When I was 14 and looked back at everything that had happened, all this "proved" to me how guilty and worthless I was. But now I see the truth.
He WANTED me to feel that way. He NEEDED me to feel that way in order to keep me quiet and make things easy for him. It was BECAUSE OF HIM that I believed all those bad things about myself.
But the truth is this: An abused boy isn't just phyically hurt, he is emotionally destroyed, bit by bit. The confusion, shame, fear, guilt - all that builds up and soon, because he doesn't see any other explanation, he thinks these things are happening to him because he deserves them. He thinks he really is that worthless. That's a very dark place to be in, Trev, as you know. And let me tell you this: there isn't a boy in the world that can't be destroyed like this if a clever abuser gets ahold of him and isn't detected somehow.
When you said yes and you wanted to, all that shows is how badly you had been wrecked. I am so sorry bro. You deserved so much better.
And we come back to a line you have heard before: Even THIS was not your fault.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
And you have every reason to.
L.
L.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
All the facts need to be looked at by a court of law, and they will decide what needs to be done.
There is an old rule about this sort of thing: "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." I know it isn't so simple in many cases, but in the case of predators this sounds good to me.
Much love,
Larry
All the facts need to be looked at by a court of law, and they will decide what needs to be done.
There is an old rule about this sort of thing: "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." I know it isn't so simple in many cases, but in the case of predators this sounds good to me.
Much love,
Larry
mphsrvivor
Registrant
Trev, I used to think it was my fault also because I didn't fight back or flat out refuse to go along with his wants. That knowledge served to prove to me how guilty I was; after all, I was a teenager. I knew I could have done something differently. I knew I should have physically stopped him. For years, I knew what I should have done but I kept going back to him.
But the TRUTH is I was an abused little boy who did not know how to do those things. I didnt know how to stand up to him so I couldnt. Exploring these TRUTHS I realized how it wasnt my fault. I wasnt the one in control. He was. He was the one who manipulated and wormed his way into my life to do those things. He was the one who made the plans and set me up to get me to react accordingly. It is him who is to blame. This realization was a very liberating experience for my spirit. It worked wonders on healing the little boy inside who still cowered and was afraid to look someone in the eye because he knew he was guilty. Now we both know where the guilt and blame belong; not at the feet of the little boy but around the neck of the one who caused all of this.
I know it can be extremely difficult (almost alien) to try to think it wasnt your fault but the TRUTH is that it wasnt your fault.
But the TRUTH is I was an abused little boy who did not know how to do those things. I didnt know how to stand up to him so I couldnt. Exploring these TRUTHS I realized how it wasnt my fault. I wasnt the one in control. He was. He was the one who manipulated and wormed his way into my life to do those things. He was the one who made the plans and set me up to get me to react accordingly. It is him who is to blame. This realization was a very liberating experience for my spirit. It worked wonders on healing the little boy inside who still cowered and was afraid to look someone in the eye because he knew he was guilty. Now we both know where the guilt and blame belong; not at the feet of the little boy but around the neck of the one who caused all of this.
I know it can be extremely difficult (almost alien) to try to think it wasnt your fault but the TRUTH is that it wasnt your fault.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
What you are realizing here is that you were tricked and betrayed. You trusted them, and they betrayed your trust. You were the kid. This is THEIR fault, not yours.
Much love,
Larry
What you are realizing here is that you were tricked and betrayed. You trusted them, and they betrayed your trust. You were the kid. This is THEIR fault, not yours.
Much love,
Larry
This is how I've gotten caught in The Blame Game.............
Pedophiles prey on kids. I was once a kid so that automatically made me, at some point in my life, a member of the herd this hunter(the perp) was after. A casual view of the Nature Channel, PBS, or maybe Discovery show us the hungry lioness going after the weakest or smallest or injured or most vunerable in some other way of the herd. So, I in turn, blamed myself for possessing the vunerability or "defect" that made me a ripe target. There was this Far Side cartoon than had two deer, one of which had a bullseye design right over his heart, while the other one said, "Bummer of a birthmark, there." I felt myself as having a similar kind of birthmark that somehow alerted the perp and caught his attention.
The sexual acts involved in CSA also proved a prickly area. In most consensual adult relationships before the sex, there is the attraction. Not only that but we as human adults generally like being thought of as attractive and sometimes even try to enhance that which we think we possess that is enticing and it can go beyond just physical characteristics. CSA spoils this relationship in some ways with out own desirability and sexuality. We may end up loathing it or placing our entire self-worth on it. At any rate, I blamed myself for whatever desirability there was in me that caught the eye of the perp. I guess that led to me having an adversion to the clothes I wore when it happened(and I remember them being among my favorites and liking the way I looked in them before).
Blame may also be a self imposed hurdle. Certainly the rape victim should not blame herself for wearing that sexy dress or walking down that alleyway or not fighting back hard enough but maybe in having these thoughts and subsequently rising above them and realizing their fallacy, she regains herself and her personal power and selfawareness.
Children need adults to take care and nuture them. It is probably a surreal experience to be put in a blameless situation yet still have to go through all the pain, emotional turmoil, and long journey towars healing while the adults charged with raising you seem not to be going through half as much difficulties. It may be easier and make more sense just to take the burden of blame all on yourself even if you do not deserve it.
At any rate, one of my good friends has scars over his body from which he pulled a whole pot of water boiling away on the stove over himself as a kid. When he related this tale to me, my first reaction was not, "Well you certainly were a dumb kid" but "Where were the parents and pot handles should be turned inward on stoves when small children are about and pots and boiling water and children both being left unattending simultaneously is not a ggod combination" It started me thinking how come my thought processes went so quickly there in hearing that story but was much harder to apply to my own CSA experiences. So I had to pratically superimpose this healthier way of thinking over my previous ways of thinking concerning the CSA. Eventually, I realized, Hey, it really wasn't my fault. I sometimes still have bouts of playing the Blame Game but trust now they will just be temporary sidebars.
So, truly listen when we say it was not your fault and eventually, wth hard work, you will come to know it.
Take care
Pedophiles prey on kids. I was once a kid so that automatically made me, at some point in my life, a member of the herd this hunter(the perp) was after. A casual view of the Nature Channel, PBS, or maybe Discovery show us the hungry lioness going after the weakest or smallest or injured or most vunerable in some other way of the herd. So, I in turn, blamed myself for possessing the vunerability or "defect" that made me a ripe target. There was this Far Side cartoon than had two deer, one of which had a bullseye design right over his heart, while the other one said, "Bummer of a birthmark, there." I felt myself as having a similar kind of birthmark that somehow alerted the perp and caught his attention.
The sexual acts involved in CSA also proved a prickly area. In most consensual adult relationships before the sex, there is the attraction. Not only that but we as human adults generally like being thought of as attractive and sometimes even try to enhance that which we think we possess that is enticing and it can go beyond just physical characteristics. CSA spoils this relationship in some ways with out own desirability and sexuality. We may end up loathing it or placing our entire self-worth on it. At any rate, I blamed myself for whatever desirability there was in me that caught the eye of the perp. I guess that led to me having an adversion to the clothes I wore when it happened(and I remember them being among my favorites and liking the way I looked in them before).
Blame may also be a self imposed hurdle. Certainly the rape victim should not blame herself for wearing that sexy dress or walking down that alleyway or not fighting back hard enough but maybe in having these thoughts and subsequently rising above them and realizing their fallacy, she regains herself and her personal power and selfawareness.
Children need adults to take care and nuture them. It is probably a surreal experience to be put in a blameless situation yet still have to go through all the pain, emotional turmoil, and long journey towars healing while the adults charged with raising you seem not to be going through half as much difficulties. It may be easier and make more sense just to take the burden of blame all on yourself even if you do not deserve it.
At any rate, one of my good friends has scars over his body from which he pulled a whole pot of water boiling away on the stove over himself as a kid. When he related this tale to me, my first reaction was not, "Well you certainly were a dumb kid" but "Where were the parents and pot handles should be turned inward on stoves when small children are about and pots and boiling water and children both being left unattending simultaneously is not a ggod combination" It started me thinking how come my thought processes went so quickly there in hearing that story but was much harder to apply to my own CSA experiences. So I had to pratically superimpose this healthier way of thinking over my previous ways of thinking concerning the CSA. Eventually, I realized, Hey, it really wasn't my fault. I sometimes still have bouts of playing the Blame Game but trust now they will just be temporary sidebars.
So, truly listen when we say it was not your fault and eventually, wth hard work, you will come to know it.
Take care
Sorry, I meant to say one more thing on personal desire and the blame game.
An unsurpervised child runs out into the middle of the street to retreive her ball and gets struck by a car. She certainly desired that ball but definitely not to end up in the hospital. Children desire chocolate cake and candy to the point of gourging themselves and making themselves sick. Children desire staying up late and watching TV till all hours of the night or playing video games. They wanna see R Rated movies and rid on big peoples rides in amusement parks. It is up to adults to set limits and guide children to right action. It is not your fault if they choose to slack on the job, especially for their own perverted agendas.
An unsurpervised child runs out into the middle of the street to retreive her ball and gets struck by a car. She certainly desired that ball but definitely not to end up in the hospital. Children desire chocolate cake and candy to the point of gourging themselves and making themselves sick. Children desire staying up late and watching TV till all hours of the night or playing video games. They wanna see R Rated movies and rid on big peoples rides in amusement parks. It is up to adults to set limits and guide children to right action. It is not your fault if they choose to slack on the job, especially for their own perverted agendas.
This is such a huge barrier for me.
When I was being counseled at the Rape & Sexual Abuse Center in Nashville, TN, they really tried to work with me on this and I would almost get there and then pull back.
I don't know if I've posted this somewhere else on here (if I have, I apologize) but, before the abuse I was a great kid. I was smart, funny, confident, popular, a reall go-getter. If I wanted a lemonade stand I did it. If I wanted to write, direct and star in a school play (2nd grade) I did it. If I wanted to start my own newspaper (4th grade) I did it.
I had no male role model. None. And at 12, when I needed one the most, this guy shows up and starts his grooming. He gains my trust. I swear to God I'm not bragging, but I was always "larger" than the boys I saw in the locker room and this really made me feel different and, well, freakish (if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have been strutting around like a rooster). One day, several months after he'd been baiting me, and after he'd given me my first beer, the conversation turned to sex and I got nervous, and I thought about it, and I thought about it some more, and I finally thought it was safe to talk to someone (HIM) about and so I asked him if it was okay to have a larger penis than other boys. He asked me to show it to him, and of course he said he needed to see it hard to make a determination (fucker) and started manipulating it to get it that way.
I always felt like that's the point where 12 year old me fucked up and I'm pissed as hell at him.
A few years later, when I called him to my house to tell him that I'd read in a book (my mom got me a book on sex ed - at 14 for God's sake) that what he was doing was illegal and that I was thinking of calling the cops, he told me (and these were his final words to me until years later when we bumped into each other), "Well, just remember, you're the one who pulled your dick out first" and I felt 1 inch tall. Now, for 25 years, those words have resonated in my brain.
I've told my wife for years that the abuse wasn't that bad. All I remembered was him fondling us together and a few oral sessions. Four weeks ago, when the flashbacks started, I suddenly remembered anal rape, forced oral, shame. I'm afraid of what's coming on future memories.
So, to try to make a really long post shorter (notice I ramble a lot?), I'm beginning to see that he was a monster, but I still can't seem to relinquish my own responsibility. I have a thirteen year old boy and my wife tells me to look at him and decide if I'd hold him responsible, and of course I wouldn't, but I think I was smarter than him at that age.
How do you get past the blame? I see hope in the fact that some of you have responded that you have gotten past it, but I just seem to be stuck. Especially after these recent flashbacks, I feel like a used piece of garbage, but I still can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't have unzipped my goddamn pants in the first place.
There.
I really, really, appreciate this site.
Chris
When I was being counseled at the Rape & Sexual Abuse Center in Nashville, TN, they really tried to work with me on this and I would almost get there and then pull back.
I don't know if I've posted this somewhere else on here (if I have, I apologize) but, before the abuse I was a great kid. I was smart, funny, confident, popular, a reall go-getter. If I wanted a lemonade stand I did it. If I wanted to write, direct and star in a school play (2nd grade) I did it. If I wanted to start my own newspaper (4th grade) I did it.
I had no male role model. None. And at 12, when I needed one the most, this guy shows up and starts his grooming. He gains my trust. I swear to God I'm not bragging, but I was always "larger" than the boys I saw in the locker room and this really made me feel different and, well, freakish (if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have been strutting around like a rooster). One day, several months after he'd been baiting me, and after he'd given me my first beer, the conversation turned to sex and I got nervous, and I thought about it, and I thought about it some more, and I finally thought it was safe to talk to someone (HIM) about and so I asked him if it was okay to have a larger penis than other boys. He asked me to show it to him, and of course he said he needed to see it hard to make a determination (fucker) and started manipulating it to get it that way.
I always felt like that's the point where 12 year old me fucked up and I'm pissed as hell at him.
A few years later, when I called him to my house to tell him that I'd read in a book (my mom got me a book on sex ed - at 14 for God's sake) that what he was doing was illegal and that I was thinking of calling the cops, he told me (and these were his final words to me until years later when we bumped into each other), "Well, just remember, you're the one who pulled your dick out first" and I felt 1 inch tall. Now, for 25 years, those words have resonated in my brain.
I've told my wife for years that the abuse wasn't that bad. All I remembered was him fondling us together and a few oral sessions. Four weeks ago, when the flashbacks started, I suddenly remembered anal rape, forced oral, shame. I'm afraid of what's coming on future memories.
So, to try to make a really long post shorter (notice I ramble a lot?), I'm beginning to see that he was a monster, but I still can't seem to relinquish my own responsibility. I have a thirteen year old boy and my wife tells me to look at him and decide if I'd hold him responsible, and of course I wouldn't, but I think I was smarter than him at that age.
How do you get past the blame? I see hope in the fact that some of you have responded that you have gotten past it, but I just seem to be stuck. Especially after these recent flashbacks, I feel like a used piece of garbage, but I still can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't have unzipped my goddamn pants in the first place.
There.
I really, really, appreciate this site.
Chris
roadrunner
Registrant
Chris,
As you are a bit new to the site you may not yet have seen a point that gets stressed here a lot. CSA isn't really about sex; if an abuser wants that there are a lot of other ways to get it that don't involve the risk and time he has to invest in molesting a child. CSA is really about power: the abuser gets off on his ability to manipulate, trick, groom, and maneuver a kid into giving the last thing he would otherwise want to give to an adult - his body.
Your story in the post above illustrates this so clearly. The abuser was creeping into your life gradually and getting you to trust him, and finally you raised the issue of sex. That wasn't your fault! You didn't have another male role model, and in any case, EVERY 12-year-old's mind is on sex and any boy will need someone safe to talk to about this. He absolutely betrayed you, Chris. You showed him your penis because he asked you to and you trusted him. What he should have said was of course that boys mature at different paces and there was nothing wrong with you. When he told you, "Well, just remember, you're the one who pulled your dick out first", we are back to the issue of power. He was back to his old trick of manipulating you and making you think all this was YOUR fault.
You have this to say when you speak of telling your wife what happened:
It may well be that future memories will fill out what you now suspect, and yes, that will be rough. But it is so important to face what happened and seek help in getting through this. Don't try to minimize, but at the same time be sure that these memories all have to do with the past: they cannot hurt you now. And remember that whatever happened, it was all a crime committed against you by an adult. None of this was your fault.
There is so much more to be said but I hope this helps for now. Bottom line: hang in there. You are a good man, and the terrible things done by someone else years ago don't change that.
Much love,
Larry
As you are a bit new to the site you may not yet have seen a point that gets stressed here a lot. CSA isn't really about sex; if an abuser wants that there are a lot of other ways to get it that don't involve the risk and time he has to invest in molesting a child. CSA is really about power: the abuser gets off on his ability to manipulate, trick, groom, and maneuver a kid into giving the last thing he would otherwise want to give to an adult - his body.
Your story in the post above illustrates this so clearly. The abuser was creeping into your life gradually and getting you to trust him, and finally you raised the issue of sex. That wasn't your fault! You didn't have another male role model, and in any case, EVERY 12-year-old's mind is on sex and any boy will need someone safe to talk to about this. He absolutely betrayed you, Chris. You showed him your penis because he asked you to and you trusted him. What he should have said was of course that boys mature at different paces and there was nothing wrong with you. When he told you, "Well, just remember, you're the one who pulled your dick out first", we are back to the issue of power. He was back to his old trick of manipulating you and making you think all this was YOUR fault.
You have this to say when you speak of telling your wife what happened:
My friend, there is no such thing as "not all that bad" when it comes to CSA. A boy is devastated by having been shamed, betrayed, and made to feel alone and worthless, and even one incident of fondling can do that.
It may well be that future memories will fill out what you now suspect, and yes, that will be rough. But it is so important to face what happened and seek help in getting through this. Don't try to minimize, but at the same time be sure that these memories all have to do with the past: they cannot hurt you now. And remember that whatever happened, it was all a crime committed against you by an adult. None of this was your fault.
There is so much more to be said but I hope this helps for now. Bottom line: hang in there. You are a good man, and the terrible things done by someone else years ago don't change that.
Much love,
Larry