blame
blame
- Thread starterkuurt
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reality2k4
Registrant
Kuurt,
this is the place to whine as much as you want, we all do it.
Perps are total manipulators of kids, and you are one of many who never told what was happening.
You were only a kid when it happened, and it was not easy to deal with decisions like that.
We have all gone down the guilt road, and each of us blamed ourselves, because there is nobody else to take the blame.
If you remember my thread on forgiveness, I wrote about the need to forgive, just to save yourself through going through more torture.
I believe that if we cannot forgive, then it is only ourselves who can carry the guilt.
It gets easier as time passes, just try to be a little easier on yourself,
ste
this is the place to whine as much as you want, we all do it.
Perps are total manipulators of kids, and you are one of many who never told what was happening.
You were only a kid when it happened, and it was not easy to deal with decisions like that.
We have all gone down the guilt road, and each of us blamed ourselves, because there is nobody else to take the blame.
If you remember my thread on forgiveness, I wrote about the need to forgive, just to save yourself through going through more torture.
I believe that if we cannot forgive, then it is only ourselves who can carry the guilt.
It gets easier as time passes, just try to be a little easier on yourself,
ste
Morning Star
Registrant
Kuurt,
Whatever you believe is true for you, don't let what we say change that.
That is the only way to freedom, do not use a map from any one else's journey to reach to your destiny. You are unique and so is your map.
You say there are two parts in you, one that hates you and one that loves you. I believe its true.
So when you feel like the part that loves you, ask for forgiveness from the other part. And also forgive yourself, in that moment. Gradually, you will feel healed, as you will learn to accept both the parts as you and start forgiving yourself more and more easily.
Denying any part will keep you stuck with it forever.
Healing is becoming whole, that means accepting all that is you. And not denying any part of you, just because you don't want to believe in it.
Whatever you believe is true for you, don't let what we say change that.
That is the only way to freedom, do not use a map from any one else's journey to reach to your destiny. You are unique and so is your map.
You say there are two parts in you, one that hates you and one that loves you. I believe its true.
So when you feel like the part that loves you, ask for forgiveness from the other part. And also forgive yourself, in that moment. Gradually, you will feel healed, as you will learn to accept both the parts as you and start forgiving yourself more and more easily.
Denying any part will keep you stuck with it forever.
Healing is becoming whole, that means accepting all that is you. And not denying any part of you, just because you don't want to believe in it.
Kuurt,
Picture this, a close friend shares a deeply painful secret that he was abused as a boy and he's feeling guilty and responsible and completely ashamed of himself. I believe that you would tell him just what you are hearing from us, that he was not to blame, it wasn't his fault, it was an adult predator against an innocent child. I believe that you would say those things because you truly believed it to be true about your close friend. All of us on this board would say the same thing to your friend.
The burden that we share is that we believe, for whatever reason, that we are the exception. That we are not worthy of those caring and understanding words. That's one of the insidious things that CSA does to us. It destroys or damages our sense of worth and who we are.
Kuurt, in this instance you are not the exception. You are a victim of a sexual predator and none, repeat none, of the responsibility, guilt, shame and anxiety belongs with you. It's all his.
You, on the other hand, deserve good things to happen to you. Don't ever believe that you're whining or anything like that. Hope you keep posting.
With that said, however, I think what you are going through is a completely natural response and part of the recovery process. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Give yourself a break. Remember, it's not your fault!
Regards,
Zipser
Picture this, a close friend shares a deeply painful secret that he was abused as a boy and he's feeling guilty and responsible and completely ashamed of himself. I believe that you would tell him just what you are hearing from us, that he was not to blame, it wasn't his fault, it was an adult predator against an innocent child. I believe that you would say those things because you truly believed it to be true about your close friend. All of us on this board would say the same thing to your friend.
The burden that we share is that we believe, for whatever reason, that we are the exception. That we are not worthy of those caring and understanding words. That's one of the insidious things that CSA does to us. It destroys or damages our sense of worth and who we are.
Kuurt, in this instance you are not the exception. You are a victim of a sexual predator and none, repeat none, of the responsibility, guilt, shame and anxiety belongs with you. It's all his.
You, on the other hand, deserve good things to happen to you. Don't ever believe that you're whining or anything like that. Hope you keep posting.
With that said, however, I think what you are going through is a completely natural response and part of the recovery process. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Give yourself a break. Remember, it's not your fault!
Regards,
Zipser
kuurt,you sound so much like me ,feels like i'm whinning to when i post .you can be told a thousand times it's not your fault but it don't change your mind ,does it? i guess with time maybe we can believe it ,but how old were you? go look at any kid between 8 and 15 and think how easy it would be to scare them into just about anything ,now that your older you think you should have done something ,but that's just it your older better equipped to deal with that kind of stuff. how the hell were you supposed to stop a grown up from hurting you?and i'll bet he stopped because he knows your older and he can't control you as much ,so it was just that he used his power as an adult to confuse the hell out of you and make you feel dirty and guilty ,shit man that's how they work, like the school bully he's bigger and stronger and he will take your lunch money untill you just give it to him willingly,but your not to blame for having no lunch money .are you? when they abuse us it may end ,but they leave something dirty and sick inside us ,their guilt and shame ,it sits inside like a time bomb waiting to explode and trash our lives .but it belongs to them not us! i know it's just another way of saying it's not your fault ,but think about it ok?i'm glad to see your post here ,you came to the right place to get help .the guys here won't ever bullshit you ,won't play you ,but they will help you .
Kuurt, It's not whining, it's hurting. It's talking about the hurt instead of keeping it inside. It's important to keep talking about it. That's an important part of healing. Yes, you know it's not your fault, and we know it's not your fault, but some part of you down deep inside isn't getting the message yet. It will, but it will take time and talking it out to anyone who will listen. We want to listen.
A little kid can never be the blame....ever. It's all so easy to say and so hard to do.
But don't apologize for hurting, Kuurt. We all understand how bad that hurting can be. Bobby
A little kid can never be the blame....ever. It's all so easy to say and so hard to do.
But don't apologize for hurting, Kuurt. We all understand how bad that hurting can be. Bobby
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
This problem of guilt is a huge one for survivors and I think we all have a tough time getting past it.
A big part of the problem, Kurt, is that you are now some years older than when the abuse occurred and you have changed a LOT in that time. You don't see things the way you did when you were a younger boy.
A little kid makes some basic assumptions about the world. He thinks that he cannot be horribly hurt, and he considers the world to be safe for him. He also considers that he is worthwhile and lovable. When he is abused all that goes down the drain. He now sees that he CAN be terribly hurt and that the world can be a very unsafe place for him.
Why is that, he thinks? Other kids all seem to be okay and happy, while he is feeling more and more confused and ashamed. He starts feeling alone and isolated, and when he looks at others and asks the question "why me?", his answer is that it was all his fault - he is to blame. Sometimes the abuser will actually try to encourage this wrong idea. He will tell the kid "you like it" (especially if he gets an erection or has an orgasm - in reality neither is uncommon and neither means you "liked it") or "it was your idea as much as mine" or "if you didn't want it you could have said no". Or the kid will see possibilities that he didn't see when he was little, as you are doing now when you ask yourself:
But you aren't the boy now that you were then, Kurt. You are older, for one thing. You are writing from the safety of your home, probably, and right now you don't have abusers in front of you. So of course you can think more clearly. A frightened boy being threatened RIGHT NOW doesn't think like that, especially if he is younger.
When I was dealing with this feeling of "it's all my fault" I was thinking of the same choices that you have in mind: I could have done this or that. But then I thought back to when it actually happened. I didn't think of choices or what should I do. I was 11, and what I did was freeze, feel myself being flooded with fear and confusion, and start crying. That's it.
As for telling, you didn't tell Kurt because you couldn't. It really is that simple. An abused boy blaming himself for what is happening quickly loses the idea that he is worthwhile and lovable; NO ONE would like him or accept him if they knew. NO ONE would believe him. He would be in so much trouble and be even more ashamed.
As this gets worse, bro, the boy's feelings about himself become so bad that he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't think that he is worth any better than this, and he can even get to the point where he later thinks he was "cooperating" with the abuser. In my case, if nothing happened for a week I started to worry and wonder what did I do wrong last time?
But all that is just the behavior of a kid who has been totally wrecked by abuse. He doesn't have a sense of sexual boundaries, his self-esteem has been wiped out, and like every other kid he needs attention - in this case he wrongly concludes that the attention of the abuser is worth having. But who messed him up like this? The abuser did, Kurt.
You also live from day to day, and nothing is planned or makes sense anymore. Do you remember thinking "Maybe I'll tell tomorrow", or "another day"? By putting things off one day at a time the abuse can go on for years.
A lot of this bro, is just pure emotion, and that's why it all resists our efforts to think about it logically or "figure it out". What's logical about molesting children, after all?
This all gets very complicated and this post is already too long, but maybe this will help you as you start to see how it goes. The things I have sketched out here have been repeated thousands of times with abused boys, and as you talk about things and read here you will see this and will understand your feelings more clearly.
Kurt you end your post with some important comments:
As usual, we will not be mad at you, and it is not a bad thing to raise the same questions over and over. They are important questions and those things NEED to be covered again and again until we understand them and believe the truth about them.
You say "maybe you'll understand". You bet - we have all been there Kurt! What you are feeling now is how ALL survivors start out. It will get better, you can get your life back, and we will be here to help you.
Much love,
Larry
This problem of guilt is a huge one for survivors and I think we all have a tough time getting past it.
A big part of the problem, Kurt, is that you are now some years older than when the abuse occurred and you have changed a LOT in that time. You don't see things the way you did when you were a younger boy.
A little kid makes some basic assumptions about the world. He thinks that he cannot be horribly hurt, and he considers the world to be safe for him. He also considers that he is worthwhile and lovable. When he is abused all that goes down the drain. He now sees that he CAN be terribly hurt and that the world can be a very unsafe place for him.
Why is that, he thinks? Other kids all seem to be okay and happy, while he is feeling more and more confused and ashamed. He starts feeling alone and isolated, and when he looks at others and asks the question "why me?", his answer is that it was all his fault - he is to blame. Sometimes the abuser will actually try to encourage this wrong idea. He will tell the kid "you like it" (especially if he gets an erection or has an orgasm - in reality neither is uncommon and neither means you "liked it") or "it was your idea as much as mine" or "if you didn't want it you could have said no". Or the kid will see possibilities that he didn't see when he was little, as you are doing now when you ask yourself:
Perhaps the biggest thing that a boy looking back at his abuse notices is the fact that he DIDN'T TELL ANYONE. You put it really well:
You think that every time he did things to you, you had a chance to stop it by telling when you got home. You didn't, so it's your fault.
But you aren't the boy now that you were then, Kurt. You are older, for one thing. You are writing from the safety of your home, probably, and right now you don't have abusers in front of you. So of course you can think more clearly. A frightened boy being threatened RIGHT NOW doesn't think like that, especially if he is younger.
When I was dealing with this feeling of "it's all my fault" I was thinking of the same choices that you have in mind: I could have done this or that. But then I thought back to when it actually happened. I didn't think of choices or what should I do. I was 11, and what I did was freeze, feel myself being flooded with fear and confusion, and start crying. That's it.
As for telling, you didn't tell Kurt because you couldn't. It really is that simple. An abused boy blaming himself for what is happening quickly loses the idea that he is worthwhile and lovable; NO ONE would like him or accept him if they knew. NO ONE would believe him. He would be in so much trouble and be even more ashamed.
As this gets worse, bro, the boy's feelings about himself become so bad that he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't think that he is worth any better than this, and he can even get to the point where he later thinks he was "cooperating" with the abuser. In my case, if nothing happened for a week I started to worry and wonder what did I do wrong last time?
But all that is just the behavior of a kid who has been totally wrecked by abuse. He doesn't have a sense of sexual boundaries, his self-esteem has been wiped out, and like every other kid he needs attention - in this case he wrongly concludes that the attention of the abuser is worth having. But who messed him up like this? The abuser did, Kurt.
You also live from day to day, and nothing is planned or makes sense anymore. Do you remember thinking "Maybe I'll tell tomorrow", or "another day"? By putting things off one day at a time the abuse can go on for years.
A lot of this bro, is just pure emotion, and that's why it all resists our efforts to think about it logically or "figure it out". What's logical about molesting children, after all?
This all gets very complicated and this post is already too long, but maybe this will help you as you start to see how it goes. The things I have sketched out here have been repeated thousands of times with abused boys, and as you talk about things and read here you will see this and will understand your feelings more clearly.
Kurt you end your post with some important comments:
No, sorry.
As usual, we will not be mad at you, and it is not a bad thing to raise the same questions over and over. They are important questions and those things NEED to be covered again and again until we understand them and believe the truth about them.You say "maybe you'll understand". You bet - we have all been there Kurt! What you are feeling now is how ALL survivors start out. It will get better, you can get your life back, and we will be here to help you.
Much love,
Larry
Man Kurt can I ever relate. I've been kicking my self for a long long time. My tape plays like this, "you chose to stay" "you knew it was wrong, but you went back" And the biggie; " you made an adult descision to have a relationship with this guy" Shoot, "adult"? I was 11-12 years old. It was a real eye opener for me when I oberved my sons [God has entrusted us with 5 of them],at that age. They would think nothing of not wiping their butt after going poop, just to get outside faster so they could resume playing with friends! Sexual beings? Hardly. I often think- what would have become of me if I hadn't experienced the abuse.... gotten hooked on dope, dropped out of school, decided to never trust anyone again, yadah, yadah, yadah. Well you know what? Who says it's over? Me? Regrettably, I've ocasionally gone back on my good promises to others. How about going back and taking a big eraser to these lies and negative promises I've made myself? I notice that the sun seems to come up every morning giving me a new chance to. If nothing else Kurt, here's a hug! D.
reality2k4
Registrant
Kuurt,
I was wondering how to reply here, but please be strong.
We have all been through hurt, but we can never feel for how you are hurting.
If you are pretty young, then it will be still pretty raw to you, and maybe you cannot see a way forward.
There is a way forward, even when you think it is impossible, please be strong, take deep breaths to calm you, and find pleasing things like walks, going to the gym, or anything that can keep your mind away from these thoughts.
I remember doing math constantly in my mind, I was the top of the school in math, because I lived and breathed it.
You can PM me anytime if you think I can help, and I am sure the other guys feel the same,
Please say you are OK,
ste
I was wondering how to reply here, but please be strong.
We have all been through hurt, but we can never feel for how you are hurting.
If you are pretty young, then it will be still pretty raw to you, and maybe you cannot see a way forward.
There is a way forward, even when you think it is impossible, please be strong, take deep breaths to calm you, and find pleasing things like walks, going to the gym, or anything that can keep your mind away from these thoughts.
I remember doing math constantly in my mind, I was the top of the school in math, because I lived and breathed it.
You can PM me anytime if you think I can help, and I am sure the other guys feel the same,
Please say you are OK,
ste
reality2k4
Registrant
Glad you are OK.
Just a quick message, that guys always think that abuse is written across their faces when this happens.
Nobody you meet in life will know unless you tell them, just take all the time you need to deal with it.
It is the best thing to find a place like this were you know that you are not alone,
ste
Just a quick message, that guys always think that abuse is written across their faces when this happens.
Nobody you meet in life will know unless you tell them, just take all the time you need to deal with it.
It is the best thing to find a place like this were you know that you are not alone,
ste
The Seeker
Registrant
Hey Kuurt,
This is a tough one. I blamed myself for years. It appears that you think it was your fault because you didn't tell. If you look around, most of us didn't tell. If telling or not telling is the key, maybe you should make a list of why you didn't tell. I would guess there are many powerful reasons you didn't. Also, you might think about your state of mind, as in shock. By the time I figured out what was up, I was a walking zombie. I spent too much time trying to pretend it didn't happen to tell anyone. Then, there was the shame thing - powerfully strong, and abusers know it. They shame us into not saying anything. You need to cut yourself some slack. You might even look at an old photo around the time the abuse started and try to consider what your life and mental state was before the abuse. Were you really prepared to deal with it? I doubt it. Likely, you were severely traumatized and disoriented. That doesn't go away in minutes, it can linger for a long time, years. I did let my abuse continue because I was lost and lonely and had no self-esteem going before the abuse, which somehow made me feel special. So, at that time, it was almost worth it to me, but I never realized the long-term effects. It wasn't my fault I was an easy target either, that fault lies with my own family who never nurtured me. What kid doesn't want to feel loved? special? worthwhile? etc. Blaming ourselves is a trap the perps create, but one which we can overcome. When I gave up thinking it was my fault, I started to get better quickly. Just some thoughts. Hang in there. It gets better.
John
This is a tough one. I blamed myself for years. It appears that you think it was your fault because you didn't tell. If you look around, most of us didn't tell. If telling or not telling is the key, maybe you should make a list of why you didn't tell. I would guess there are many powerful reasons you didn't. Also, you might think about your state of mind, as in shock. By the time I figured out what was up, I was a walking zombie. I spent too much time trying to pretend it didn't happen to tell anyone. Then, there was the shame thing - powerfully strong, and abusers know it. They shame us into not saying anything. You need to cut yourself some slack. You might even look at an old photo around the time the abuse started and try to consider what your life and mental state was before the abuse. Were you really prepared to deal with it? I doubt it. Likely, you were severely traumatized and disoriented. That doesn't go away in minutes, it can linger for a long time, years. I did let my abuse continue because I was lost and lonely and had no self-esteem going before the abuse, which somehow made me feel special. So, at that time, it was almost worth it to me, but I never realized the long-term effects. It wasn't my fault I was an easy target either, that fault lies with my own family who never nurtured me. What kid doesn't want to feel loved? special? worthwhile? etc. Blaming ourselves is a trap the perps create, but one which we can overcome. When I gave up thinking it was my fault, I started to get better quickly. Just some thoughts. Hang in there. It gets better.
John