Blackleaves, I hear you

[jwh]

I hear you. My abuser, my older brother, is dead too. And his death, in a sick way, made his life inside of me seem more powerful. Now he seems immortal in his attacks.

And yet, he is also a wretch. A dead wretch not worth poking with a stick.

Somewhere, there must be a way to resolve this, because the war is within ME, in my psyche, in my body memories. Somewhere there must be peace.

 

[blacken]

jwh, I supposed it can be argued by some, that it is worse to have your abuser still around, than dead. But I find it very difficult NOT being able to confort my tormentor, AND not getting the chance to see him take responsibility for his actions.
It feels like a job left unfinished. Its also so makes me feel, (i've said this before), that he got away with all his "sins", and left me to deal with them, without recourse. Those others here have said, " if U commit suicide, then he will have won". Well, I feel, that living the rest of my life like this, is a much greater victory for him, and a greater, & thurough defeat for me.
I'm not planning it, but I dought I'd fight it either. I do find things that are good & worth living for i guess, but I still feel, all-in-all, this life sucks.......BL.....

 

[jwh]

Blackleaves,

I can relate to everything you have said. I have had so many fantasies of torturing my abuser, holding him at gunpoint, unleasing demons upon him, all kinds of hideous things. And I can certainly relate to the feeling that this life sucks, and that death would be a relief. I do agree, however, that suicide would be letting the abuser win, or maybe a better way to say it would be letting the abuse itself win. I don't believe that our abusers, now dead, feel any pleasure in what they did. I don't have any definite opinions about the afterlife, if there is one, but I like the idea that what a "soul" has to experience as an entrance into the afterlife is everything it ever did to others.

You are a very strong individual, full of rage. Right now I sense that some of that rage is working for self-preservation, but some of it is also turned in on you in self-destruction. It is a terrible battle for us to stop identifying with our abusers, but ultimately I think a very rewarding one.

Jeff