Bit of my story (Trigger??)

Bit of my story (Trigger??)
R

RememberingInMN

Registrant
First off, thank you all for the warm welcome.. The sense of relief at just knowing I am not alone is so immense that I don't quite know what to do with it.. But I feel I should write somethings down and see if anyone has any insight.

I first started thinking I may have a problem after my first divorce. The term Sex Addict became the term bandied around by everyone I talked to about my issue with fidelity. I act out sexually, meaning I am CONSTANTLY searching for something new, something different, and it never leaves me fulfilled, just more empty and hollow and numb. The feeling of watching myself from outside as I did these things would leave me confused, because I would use sex in a destructive way, but wouldn't really be there when I was doing it. But would always crash back home into myself when it came time to face the consequences. Days and weeks would go by like I was riding on my shoulder, a watcher and nothing more. And then BAM! when the shit hit the fan, I would be back and have to deal with all the problems I had created.
I have been like this as far back as I can remember. Sexually interested even kindergarten, but because of my religous upbringing hiding it all never talking about it. Lived with nightmares all my life, would go in spurts where I would have none for days or weeks.. Then would not be able to sleep for days because I couldn't close my eyes. But I never remembered them..Until about two and half years ago.. Working, day was slow.. Customer walked in.. smelling strongly of a cologne(have not identified it yet, and I have tried) and I had a panic attack.. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I can look back at it now and realize what it was.. The customer became concerned and tried to help me up as I had staggered away and fallen as I backed away..as he grabbed my arm sheer terror grabbed me and I don't remember anything else.. Just coming to with my employee asking me if I was OK and what was wrong.. I faked being ill and excused myself for the day.. went home and feigned illness with my wife and tried to sleep.. Only my nightmares had returned.. and when I woke each time, for the first time in my life, I remembered what i was dreaming about. And my journey started that day..

I find it is hard to write anymore right now, because this is the first day in years I have cried and while it is with relief it is still exhausting.. Thank you once again to all of you for a warm welcome and I thank whatever higher power there may be that I found out I am not alone and I feel that I may find more here than I have anywhere else.. I thank you all..
 
Everything that you have said, is something that we are familiar with. Some personally, others through them.
 
RememberingInMn,

I admire your openess and honesty. I must admit I used to have terror nightmares as a child. They went on for months maybe longer. I was scared to sleep because I knew I would wake up paralised with terror from the nightmares. There must have come a time when they subsided, and whilst I have always been aware of the nightmares - there were two of them, I thought nothing of them in the end. And so life moved on for 35 years and in that time I don't recall ever having any more dreams or nightmares - like I must have dreams - but i'm not aware of them. I find this strange now that you mentioned it aswell.

I've had many strange experiences over those years, including one notable one that always stuck in my mind. I was talking to a group of people and without warning I found myself feeling as though I was burning up, the next thing I knew, I felt as though I was standing next to myself listening to someone else doing the talking. I could here the words that I was speaking, but they had two distinct qualities. Firstly, I wasn't doing the talking and secondly, the sound from the spoken words were echoing back to me around a second after they were spoken which on top of everthing else was very disconcerting. Then everyone around me began to look smaller and more distant. I remember thinking I must get out of here, something is very wrong with me, but I couldn't move.

Somehow I had obviously managed to get away from the people I was talking to because I found myself standing facing the corner of a toilet cubicle, dripping with sweat and shaking like a leaf. How I got there I don't know, but obviously I did. The whole experience frightened the life out me. It took me around ten minutes to try and regain my composure before having to go back. How I got through that day I don't know, it's all a bit hazy now.

I now realised many years later what caused this to happen from reading up information on the Internet and memories that have come back. In your case, the trigger as people seem to call it was presumably the cologne since that seems to have stood out in your mind. If you don't know why you had that experience when smelling cologne, think long and hard about it. The cologne might be a red-herring, it might be something to do with that persons looks, voice or simply the situation you were in that time. Keep searching. When you have found the link, you will know about it immediately. Keep yourself safe!

In my case it was a situational link that triggered my episode. I didn't know why at the time. Self diagnoses is always something to be wary of, but the best descriptions that fit my experience were, Depersonalization, derealisation, all of which are forms of dissosiation and PTSD. You might find some usefull information by doing searches on these words, but don't go looking unless you are mentally prepared to take on the information given. I found it validating, but thats me.

Interstingly, when the source of my problems started to surface in fragments, 35 years after the event, I began to have dreams again, including one dream I recall having as child which still haunts me know because I can't add interpretation to it like I could with the two nightmare types.

I wish you well, take care....
 
Good for you for writing down your story. I've never had a flashback as intense as you've had. But I have had them. Some mild and some not-so-mild. Three years ago I broke down in tears after watching a couple of teenagers flirting and holding hands out on some rocks by my house. I couldn't understand it, and thought I was going completely unhinged. After looking at it I can see I was just filled with sadness that I had been deprived of that kind of innocent, normal experience when I was their age and something about the scene just brought it all up. Those moments when I'm completely swept away by some memory I don't understand are really disturbing.
 
Dan88,

I know what you mean about the teenagers. I don't know about you, but when I was at that age, I used to see all my friends with there girlfriends having a good time and wishing I could find one of my own, or at least spot one that looked like she might be interested in me. I managed to get one girlfriend when I was around 15, she lasted two weeks and sent her mates to tell me she didn't want to go out with me anymore because she thought I was weird. Strangly, that comment didn't do my self esteem much good :(
Even fun events like parties and disco's were a flop. I was the boring one who mainly sat on my own in the corner trying to look like I was enjoying myself. I suppose the overall feelings at that age were of being an outsider.

Like you say, when you look back and remember what you had, then see what you could have had and realise its still what you are looking for, it makes you very sad.

You said
"Those moments when I'm completely swept away by some memory I don't understand are really disturbing."

Too right. If only it were possible to remember where those feelings are being driven from, its very frustrating and disconcerting not to be able to work it out.
 
Leonatomi

I think what's hard is trying to always be an adult about these things. As an adult, I know that the past is the past. The kids who thought I was weird as a kid were, sadly, correct. They didn't know why, of course, and they weren't going out of their way to be cruel. They just come from their own perspective and didn't know how to process what they saw coming from me.

One painful memory I have (still makes my blood pressure go up to this day) is of a school dance I went to when I was 12. A girl that I had an absolutely mind blowing crush on asked me to dance. And I said no. It was beyond my ability to say yes for a million different reasons. I still remember the day that memory came back to me. It was a very angry moment. It sort of came to represent all things I'd lost out on.

I wrestle a lot with trying to process and release anger about all this shit. In the grand scheme of things, it means nothing. Some kid got screwed over. Big deal. I lived through it. There are certainly plenty of people in this world who have it worse. But it's never really that easy. I still have this belief somewhere buried in my head that there is some way to put this stuff right.
 
Dan / Leonatomi - my voice dropped big style when I was eleven - first term of secondary school in England (birthday in June, voice dropped in September).

My perve groomed me one year after my voice broke & when that was over, the most fit female in my year developed a crush on me (SY) as did a girl in the year below. I was taller than most of the boys (99%) in my year (stopped growing a few years later). The girls selected me because they thought I was mature (a deep voice)....maybe the perve did the same (????). I just didn't believe that the girls really fancied me, I wondered (with hindsight) what their real motives were - as I've wondered with everyone else that has tried to get close since.

Perhaps that's why the thought of relationships **** me up! Sounds simplified, but!!!

Give it a go! There are to many deserts!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
rememberingMN

I remember too the nightmares constantly tiring me, terrified of going to sleep.

Remember too the things you have listed, all the horrible things that abuse brings about, in the time of your life when everything should have been magic.

First love, discovery, I too get distressed a little when I see the things that should have been, alas though we cannot revisit this without the pain of association, it is tough to think about and always will, but carry on we must, and try getting beyond this all.

sorry can't reply to a lot of messages, as my computer has died, and I write now from work

ste
 
I think that the above reply from Lady' might have been intended for another topic on the Fam' & Fri' Forum, so please don't react to it untill we've checked.

Thanks
Dave
 
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