Birthday and wishing for change

[smc1972]

My 44th birthday is on the 8th and well I feel like my life is worse now than before. As bad as this will sound at tme I think my best years are behind me. Yet those years were when things that I know we're not good yet I was happier then.

I know what happened was not ove yet I still at time try to tell myself it was not that bad. That it is me that is making it difficult and hard on myself. I know I am wrong for thinking like that. That I should not think it was not a bad thing that happened.

Will the thoughts ever change in my mind? Will I ever be normal? How can I feel so conflicted all this time later. I mean at time I think I need to look at it as this part of my past is k the I was not hurt but loved. Yet now as an adult I kno up it wasn't normal. I still find myself sexually aroused from the memories then I hate myself. I can't be with someone and not have the memories there in order to climax. Then I think WTF. I get mad at myself for that then I find myself going well maybe I should try not to care and remember I was not hurt.

Sorry to ramble but I am tired of the whole struggle. As bad as this sounds I so wish I never had questioned what happened and just try to look at is as a not a bad thing. Sorry I know that is wrong. I know I am messed up for thinking like this. I feel like all of you here have been so kind to me yet I am the like this.

 

[Tryingtolive]

On my journey I found just being honest with yourself and accepting yourself is the biggest step forward. I've had my ups and downs. But I'm at a point now where there isn't many highs and lows. It just feels mellow. I don't really experience too many lows and the highs don't feel the same.

Just trying to be in the moment and looking forward to tomorrow has helped tremendously. I still at times cloud myself from my past and certain things get brought up to remind me of it. Try looking past your past if that makes sense.

 

[afraidofmyvoice]

happy birthday in a day! you don't need to feel guilty for finding the difficulty and confusion you're facing regrettable. BUT you are not to blame! for the abuse, or the effects, or the involuntary arousal. that is why it is called involuntary. you feel bad after the thoughts happen, obviously you don't want them. it is normal to tire of the difficulty and idealize silence. but you are working toward freedom every time you speak to what you are experiencing. and remember the difference between the feeling that something isn't over (ongoing replays in the body and mind) versus the reality of something not being over. the crimes committed against you were in the past, and you can only affect your present and future, but you can do that by feeling the pain and indignation of the past, and understanding your full story, and how what was done to you has had an impact on where you are. it can be easy to despair around time markers (I know I do and feel like I'm careening toward thirty and a decade behind all I wanted/deserved/could have done if I didn't have this huge drain of time and energy feeling the guilt and undergoing the transformation that was someone else's work to do before they were ever at risk of abusing me), but if you can, don't! this can be an opportunity to seek all the beauty of life you want and deserve. they don't deserve to take any more time with you. with sexual dysfunction stuff I've found the more I can relax about it and be clear about how I truly feel, versus introjected perceptions, it's easier to deal with/goes away.

 

[30something]

smc, we are here for you. I know it's hard, but at least for your birthday, be gentle with yourself. Try not to linger on self-judgement.

They say, "ignorance is bliss," and I understand why. We can't turn back time to un-learn what we now know. Instead we can try to take pleasure in the small things. Remember when we were very young, and the night sky full of stars was the most amazing thing? We at least can still connect with those feelings of beauty and wonder. Happy early birthday, and love to you.

Asa

 

[tommyb]

(smc1972)


Ramble as much as you want.