Binge watch gay/bi porn

[Tryingtolive]

I don’t how I end up doing this but it certainly happens.
I can never tell if it’s when I’m triggered or not.
But certain acts I enjoy and fantasize over while I watch.
There’s also a certain type I watch.
I’m left with shame and embarrassment after this.
It just don’t feel right.
Wether it be from the abuse/ self hate/ homophobic/ denial.
Certainly don’t feel healthy.

It’s almost like a calming nurturing feeling.
And then disgust and shame.
Than I go about my day like nothing happened.

 

[SmartShadow]

It’s almost like a calming nurturing feeling.
And then disgust and shame.
Than I go about my day like nothing happened.

This describes verbatim 38 years of my life. It all stemmed from my abuse.
It's interesting that you use the word nurture. Several years ago my T suggest that I may have encoded some early sexual contact from an older boy as nurture. As I think about the decades of binging on gay porn and I would say a lot of it was a form of self medicating and an attempt at self regulation.

I was compelled to look at gay porn as much for the sexual turn on as it was for the shock value. It triggered a similar extreme sexually high and intense fear combined. It more matched my traumatic childhood sexual abuse experience. It was a far more of an intense high then normal sex.

Denial was a part of my shame, guilt, remorse, repeat cycle as well.

It's good to just own it and let go of the shame guilt and denial cycle. I had to just become ok with my need to look at gay porn. Paying attention to why you may be driven to certain things can help lead to a lot of understanding and insight. Asking yourself questions and paying attention to what aspects of your abuse is recreated by the type of porn your interested in can help you better understand what's driving you.

At this point I don't need it anymore and no longer have the porn drive. I was able to move on. Not so much from porn but from my abuse and trauma. I think the porn is 100% representative of the abuse. I used porn to help myself come to terms with what happened to me.

Keep up the good work.

 

[AndyS87]

I wrote a HUGE thing on my past experiences, then realized it was me just needing to basically do some talk therapy with myself, lol.

Long story short - I can't speak for you, but my experiences with abuse left me fixated on this idea that masculinity and sexual prowess was tied to how well endowed and physically attractive/fit a person was. That led to me more or less constantly trying to compare myself to other men, which, when sexualized, led me to watching a lot of solo male porn. Not coincidentally, that stuff mirrors what happened to me.

When my cousin tried to get me to allow him to do oral or penetrative sex to me, or tried having me do those things to him, I didn't really get it. I didn't react sexually, he didn't react sexually, and so I never reenacted those things because nothing happened. I am a curious person though, so I did check out gay porn and found that it just wasn't really my cup of tea.

When my cousin coerced me to watch him get off though, that was what ended up being the most traumatic experience for me out of the 4 years total of different sexually abusive behaviors that went on. I know compared to a lot of survivors, they would probably consider themselves fortunate beyond belief if that was where things stopped, or if that's ONLY as far as their abusers went, but what can I say. That ONE time really got to me, and for years, I would occasionally watch porn that mirrored what he had me watch him do.

I do not find it much of a coincidence that after 3 years of therapy, I am not really driven to watch that stuff anymore. If I find myself wanting to or thinking about it, I usually realize it's because something triggered me to feel insecure about myself as a man or because something has made me feel like I'm not sexually desirable. Going back to one of my earlier paragraphs about how well endowed or not a person is, how physically fit, etc., watching that particular type of porn for me was a way for me to imagine myself as the person on the screen, the person who in my mind I WANTED to be so that I could finally be "better" than my cousin. Rational? Absolutely not, but I don't know many people who react rationally to being abused while they're still kids, so...

Anyways, the porn could be about many things. I've seen it suggested elsewhere, but checking out a website called "your brain on porn" may hold some interesting information for you. Weirdly enough, though it seems like a sexual orientation thing, the porn may not really be about that at all. Of course, it could be, but it's not an automatic indicator of your sexuality.

Looking at the Kinsey/Klein spectrum might also be helpful - both men theorize(d) that sexuality falls on a spectrum, with some people being exclusively heterosexual (a 0) some people exclusively gay (a 10), some people being equally split (a 5), and everybody falling somewhere in between on the spectrum.

Therapy may also be helpful - I have worked with 4 different therapists, and they helped me see that in many cases, I make a mountain out of a molehill with my sexuality because it's something I'm insecure about and it occupies a lot of my time whenever I end up thinking about it, which is coincidentally any time I happen to be under extreme stress or going into a depressive episode. It's an old fear from childhood that happens to provide a lot of distraction. I don't know if I would have figured any of that out without my therapist being able to point it out to me.

 

[smc1972]

I have issues with porn as I know I have turned to it for years when stressed or lonely which is often. I think because I used it so much ass a teen and in my 20’s I am somehow wired for it now. I go through the guilt and shame as it often leads to fantasizing. Yet during it it is like I escape and feel good. It sucks for me.

 

[Pollux]

I think you should probably determine where the disgust, shame and embarrassment are coming from. It's probably good to dispense with those emotions in regards to the addiction. It's part of the addiction cycle. Breaking down the cycle will help break the addiction. The basic definition of sex addiction is a sexual behavior that troubles you and it's something that you can't seem to stop. There is a lot more that defines it, but for right now you have a behavior that troubles you and you can't stop.

Are the emotions coming from identifying as heterosexual and being turned on by gay porn? It probably is from the abuse/ self hate/ homophobic/ denial. There are many straight men that are turned on by gay porn. It's taboo and forbidden for most people. You should also consider that porn is not a good representation of love between two people. Which may be another reason it bothers you.

Do you attend a 12 step group that you can share this with? It helps with breaking down the shame...

 

[Pollux]

@smartshadow Great post!!! I'm glad you found sobriety!

I'm sort of there about letting go of the shame and guilt. I don't act out as much as I did a few years ago.

 

[Pollux]

Quick note: I have a long time friend. We talked about the porn issue. I was surprised that him and his husband do not look at porn together. It is a solo thing.

 

[SmartShadow]

Quick note: I have a long time friend. We talked about the porn issue. I was surprised that him and his husband do not look at porn together. It is a solo thing.

That's an interesting observation. It sounds like that's probably true. I mean it probably seems like some couples watch porn together somewhere, but probably not very many.

I think there are a lot of different reasons people look at porn. I always try to understand the why. What's driving me. I have found that it's not always easy to understand the why behind the behavior. But it sure is helpful to connect the dots.

A lot of my porn use came down to trying to figure something out about myself, something that was elusive and conflicted or confusing, something I was uncertain about. Just wanting a sexual high was a lot of it as well but even then, I have learned to ask myself why.

A lot of time it was because I didn't like the way I was feeling and I wanted a way out of deep fear and anxiety. But even if is was self medicating, I found that I could still try to understand why I was choosing what I was choosing and what was going on inside of me.

That's the thing about porn. It's a perfect designer drug. You can file it in to what turns you on. But that can be a gold mine of information about yourself and even began to help us understand the why behind the various wants.

Maybe looking at porn for most people is really about trying to navigate there own sexuality. It's clearly not the same as being in a real sexual relationship or showing the "real" nature of sexually. It's not real and it superbly lies to us. That's what good drugs do. But they can also make us forget to ask why? Why am I doing this? Why do I feel this way?

The more and more we can understand the more and more we can understand.

Enlightenment and understanding a wonderful thing really.

In many ways, asking the deepest questions, need be a solitary thing.

Notes to self:
Beware the trap of thinking about the same new thoughts over and over.
Ask yourself why you are stuck.

 

[Bradley P]

I totally relate to this analogy. I have always felt that any time I have watched porn, it is most often in seeking to discover something about myself.