"big step" venting

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A big one for me

Last night i told my father that i was aware that he sexually abused me throughout my younger years, over a telephone conversation where he is continually calling so i just wanted to get rid of him, as well as finally get it out. I recently told my birth mother as well, and she cried, but in the end remained unconvinced and said i had a very active imagination (my father said i was just dreaming it up) because i was could not give details, or better, was and still am struggling with even getting them myself. My only evidence is my symptoms, my "body memories". etc . So she went on to say that basically was making it up, which is typical of her if there is anything serious that might involve her in any way, or it felt typical. And last night my father said i was spoiled and that i would just be alone until i apologized and basically how dare i even suggest, as if he were company, i am trying to keep him away. So now i am in doubt, which i know is to be expected, but at the same time it's there. I just need more support in my life. I'm pretty isolated. I feel like i'm making it up, and in a way that would be a relief, but then i'm just back at square one. I have a therapist who is supportive, and an ex-step-mother who is supportive. It all looks pretty messy to me and it is, but i have to keep keeping on...thank you.
I have been reading so much and goin crazy, i have been walking up a trail i know (this is in the country) and breaking logs and such against rocks to get out my agner which is helpful but a bit embarrassing should there be anyone around. I have to unlearn this childish position, but it's not easy.

 

Hello Friend:

I said this already in another post. But my partner Andy and I live in an area where there is a lot of forest. And our own property is a few acres, 2 of which are woodland. So we have our own private trail. Yesterday, I got so angry that I went into the woods, took some dead branches, and beat the hell out of a tree trunk! So good for you for also getting your anger out like this.

To me, discovering the truth about childhood sexual abuse is like reading a detective novel. But instead of wanting to turn the pages, you have to keep putting the book down. Know what I mean?

Anyhow, by putting together body memories, snapshot memories, and making some deductions, I now know that my older brother began sexually molesting me at 9 months old. Can I prove this to anyone's satisfaction? Probably not. My abusive brother is dead. So are my parents. But I know it's real. I can prove it to my own satisfaction and that's all that matters. And I think that's what you have to do. Trust your own instincts. Trust that innner knowing. As you trust it, even more memories will emerge.

So keep venting. Keep "turning the pages." Keep breaking the silence.

All the best to you!

Jasper

 

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Thank you, Jasper.
It is so good to find there are friends in this.

It makes me so angry to think that my parents of all people are actually the ones who did this, hide it, ignore it. I couldn't even see it until confirmed in their reactions...which was a good lesson to not have to believe these lies (it sounds like such a big word!) anymore...and yet I find myself by just being myself, you know? Anyways, have to finish up. Any little bit I can say, others prove it to me and it gives me some faith in people and (even better, perhaps) in myself. Thanks Jasper