big step for me. me talking to strangers!
being on the road has brought me a new calling. i have started talking to high schools around the usa about csa. i didnt think i could do it before. but it started in SC and then headed to NC and then went north to WV and NY and then headed west. funny how someone can get you to talk but it dose get easyer.
i had hours one day to get my truch loaded in a small town in SC. i was walking down the street to find something to eat when i smelled food from a high school. i thought hhhmmm cheep food. well lunch had already ended and they where having an assimbly on drugs and child abused / csa. i talked to the sheriff officer that was at the door. i told him that i was a survivor. he asked me to speak and then took me to another school to speek. unlike the first one that i did. it was an hour long speach and not the ten minute speach i gave the first time. i guess i proved to myself that talking about it dose help and that it dose get easyer, but if it helps just one kid then it is worth it...
oh i chose not to talk on opra im a chickin, cold feet, ok so the list goes on and on and on... you know how it gose but now that i look back i do think i could have done it. i just needed some kind and true words from a sheriff officer in a small town in SC to get me to believe that i could do it. so i say thank you to that officer. that is the point here sometimes if you talk to someone you dont know about the abuse they can help you too. it dose not always have to be your T. but you got to talk about it. talk to everyone talk to people you don't know... you dont know who you may help and you dont know who will help you along the way. i would also like to thank some students in MA and NV for your help in my healing. you don't know how much you helped me. i hope you found the site ok and i hope it helps you in your healing as well. i didnt know driving a truck could help in my healing but sometimes the healing is there, but we have to look for it and then take that chance and act on it. we cant depend on just this site our meds and our T's to help us heal, coz if we do then we will not heal as well or as fast and in as many areas in our life as we would like to. that's the point you have to WANT TOO. THATS THE KEY TO HEALING FROM ABUSE. IT IS A CHOICE. now i know that sounds easy but as those of us that are here that have made the choice to heal. we know that that choice is not easy (((TO DO))) NOT MAKE BUT DO. thats the trick in this choice. not so simple now that i kind of broke a small part of this choice down a bit huh? keep breaking it down and it only gets more complex as you go. but simply put it is a choice. simple but not.
i am learing to say NO. NO to my mom. NO to my boss. NO to what friends i do have and not give in all the time. i give in and do what ever thay tell me to or ask me to to please them. the problem with this is yes it makes things go smoothly but then it opens the door for me to get hurt again and sure as shit, i get hurt again. and when i get hurt that slingshots me to the other far extream. i get depressed i cut i do all the bad things that makes me hurt more. WELL NO MORE. IT MUST STOP SOME WHERE AND I AM PUTTING A STOP TO THE HURT IN MY LIKE. like i said it is a choice. it is ok to say no i dont want to. i am finding that things are slowly looking up. but i am breaking the circle that i was put on by my abusers.
my grandmother died. she is one of my preps. she left me so much money i can retire at the age of 25 just after the first of the year. my first feeling was ... ok so i was happy the bitch was dead...but i felt like it was a bribe to make it seem like what she did was ok. but if i had sued her then i would have gotten it anyways. and if i had "gotten back at her" i where would i be? right where i am now. that is the point. no nothing can take away or make up for what she did the hurt is there and the damage it still there. that cant be changed but how i live my life can be. ask your self how do you want to live and what can you do and what do you need to do to live your life that way. AND THEN DO IT. but always change for the better coz if you dont then your dream of a good life will not come true. it's your choice.
i am finding myself in better places and i am glad i made the choice to heal. i am sure you are too. but dont fear healing. talk about your abuse to everyone you can. i know that sounds hard to do but it dose help.
ps to some new frends i made in Phoenix AZ i hope you win your case and i hope you made the choice to come to this site. i will be back threw and i will come see you. i am glad i was able to stop your abuse that day. i wish you the best for life. dont forget what i said even if i am dieing my life is not over. and i look at the world in a whole new LIFE. dont ever forget that. i dont know how long i have left and the doctors dont know how long i have left but i will say this... THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WILL LIVE IT MY WAY, NOT THE WAY MY ABUSERES WANTED ME TOO. (((THEY WILL NOT WIN AND THAT IS MY CHOICE!)))
i hope to post more later but i am really busting but around here to see every one i know. and get everything done. "lets not for get to have some fun in the prosses"
"life can be good"
with love and hope
blake
i had hours one day to get my truch loaded in a small town in SC. i was walking down the street to find something to eat when i smelled food from a high school. i thought hhhmmm cheep food. well lunch had already ended and they where having an assimbly on drugs and child abused / csa. i talked to the sheriff officer that was at the door. i told him that i was a survivor. he asked me to speak and then took me to another school to speek. unlike the first one that i did. it was an hour long speach and not the ten minute speach i gave the first time. i guess i proved to myself that talking about it dose help and that it dose get easyer, but if it helps just one kid then it is worth it...
oh i chose not to talk on opra im a chickin, cold feet, ok so the list goes on and on and on... you know how it gose but now that i look back i do think i could have done it. i just needed some kind and true words from a sheriff officer in a small town in SC to get me to believe that i could do it. so i say thank you to that officer. that is the point here sometimes if you talk to someone you dont know about the abuse they can help you too. it dose not always have to be your T. but you got to talk about it. talk to everyone talk to people you don't know... you dont know who you may help and you dont know who will help you along the way. i would also like to thank some students in MA and NV for your help in my healing. you don't know how much you helped me. i hope you found the site ok and i hope it helps you in your healing as well. i didnt know driving a truck could help in my healing but sometimes the healing is there, but we have to look for it and then take that chance and act on it. we cant depend on just this site our meds and our T's to help us heal, coz if we do then we will not heal as well or as fast and in as many areas in our life as we would like to. that's the point you have to WANT TOO. THATS THE KEY TO HEALING FROM ABUSE. IT IS A CHOICE. now i know that sounds easy but as those of us that are here that have made the choice to heal. we know that that choice is not easy (((TO DO))) NOT MAKE BUT DO. thats the trick in this choice. not so simple now that i kind of broke a small part of this choice down a bit huh? keep breaking it down and it only gets more complex as you go. but simply put it is a choice. simple but not.
i am learing to say NO. NO to my mom. NO to my boss. NO to what friends i do have and not give in all the time. i give in and do what ever thay tell me to or ask me to to please them. the problem with this is yes it makes things go smoothly but then it opens the door for me to get hurt again and sure as shit, i get hurt again. and when i get hurt that slingshots me to the other far extream. i get depressed i cut i do all the bad things that makes me hurt more. WELL NO MORE. IT MUST STOP SOME WHERE AND I AM PUTTING A STOP TO THE HURT IN MY LIKE. like i said it is a choice. it is ok to say no i dont want to. i am finding that things are slowly looking up. but i am breaking the circle that i was put on by my abusers.
my grandmother died. she is one of my preps. she left me so much money i can retire at the age of 25 just after the first of the year. my first feeling was ... ok so i was happy the bitch was dead...but i felt like it was a bribe to make it seem like what she did was ok. but if i had sued her then i would have gotten it anyways. and if i had "gotten back at her" i where would i be? right where i am now. that is the point. no nothing can take away or make up for what she did the hurt is there and the damage it still there. that cant be changed but how i live my life can be. ask your self how do you want to live and what can you do and what do you need to do to live your life that way. AND THEN DO IT. but always change for the better coz if you dont then your dream of a good life will not come true. it's your choice.
i am finding myself in better places and i am glad i made the choice to heal. i am sure you are too. but dont fear healing. talk about your abuse to everyone you can. i know that sounds hard to do but it dose help.
ps to some new frends i made in Phoenix AZ i hope you win your case and i hope you made the choice to come to this site. i will be back threw and i will come see you. i am glad i was able to stop your abuse that day. i wish you the best for life. dont forget what i said even if i am dieing my life is not over. and i look at the world in a whole new LIFE. dont ever forget that. i dont know how long i have left and the doctors dont know how long i have left but i will say this... THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WILL LIVE IT MY WAY, NOT THE WAY MY ABUSERES WANTED ME TOO. (((THEY WILL NOT WIN AND THAT IS MY CHOICE!)))
i hope to post more later but i am really busting but around here to see every one i know. and get everything done. "lets not for get to have some fun in the prosses"
"life can be good"
with love and hope
blake