BIG Questions and BIG Answers

BIG Questions and BIG Answers
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kaceechase

Registrant
I Had an Epiphany.

I Don't Know all the Answers and I barely Know all The Questions But I have spent A Huge Part of My Life trying to Figure them Both Out and fit them all Neatly INTO a Box and Catagorize it and Basically CONTROL It All.

I Now Have One Rule and One Rule ONLY. Try My Damndest To Do No Harm. I Know I will Hurt People UNintentionally, I am Not Oblivious to this BUT I Will Do NO Harm With any Malice or Forethought. Simple Right? But That Includes To Myself. Ah, The tricky part.

So The whole Point to this is This. I Let Go Of Having to do it all Perfect. I am Going to Fuck Up. Thats the way we Learn what Not to Do again, Hopefully. I have Let Go Of Trying to Make People Like me, Some Will and Some Won't Just becuase Thats That. I have Let Go Of Being afraid Of The Unknown. I Welcome it. I Know My Uncle is Dead so He can't do anything to me anymore. Will I get Hurt? Duh.... Yeah But I will Learn to Avoid it next time Or confront it and see it for what it really is. Whatever IT Is.

I am Giving Myself Permission to Not Worry about How to Get It All Done and When and Where and How Fast and Whatever. I am 41 very very soon and I have wasted so Much Time worrying about it all.

WHY? WHY ME? WHY DIDN'T I STOP IT? WHY DIDN'T I TELL? WHY DID I LET IT HAPPEN? WHY DID I SEEK IT OUT SOMETIMES? WHY DID I CONTINUE TO ABUSE MYSELF LONG AFTER IT WAS OVER? WHY DID I LIVE? WHY DIDN'T I DIE? WHERE IS GOD? WHY DIDN'T GOD STOP IT? IS THERE A GOD? BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I have NO Clue what the answer is to Most of those Questions. And I am NOT Sure I ever will. SO I Have a choice. Continue to drive myself Absolutely Bonkers trying or Realize that it is Just Fucking Dandy to Not Be in Control all the time. It Is Just Fine to Not Know all the answers and still Be Happy Not Knowing.

I Figure this. Whatever is Bigger than Me aka GOD, The UNiverse, Ala or the man in the Moon Has to Know More than I do. That's for damn sure. So I Let It Go to Whoever or Whatever and TRUST (the scarey word) That it will be OK. When I fall Something will Help Me up. When I hurt Something will get me Through. When I am scared Something will Comfort me. The Reason I know this Now. I Am Still HERE. SOMETHING BROUGHT ME THROUGH EVER SINGLE DARK MOMENT OF MY LIFE. I AM STILL HERE SO SOMETHING IS REAL AND SOMETHING WILL HOLD ME WHEN I CAN'T SEE THE SUN BEHIND ALL THE CLOUDS.

I Don't Know what that something is BUT I Know it is Real Becuase I AM STILL HERE. And I am Better than I was a Year ago, or two years ago, even if it is not what I Hoped and Dreamed I would be. I am better than I was. I know that.

So Thanks for Allowing me to Rant.

Take what You want and Leave the rest for someone else to find. But Know this.

I Love you.

Becuase I can Now Love Myself. And You are as Awesome as I am, No Better--No worse. So I send you Beautiful Dreams and Wonderful Peaceful Quiet Places to feel Safe in. We Deserve it All.

I don't Know what Tomorrow Brings But I Glad that Yesterday Brought all Of you to me. I am a Better Man For Having Known You.

EACH Of YOU.

Not Just the Ones I Liked or The ones I Gravitated to. Everyone. Becuase the Ones that Grated My last Nerve Taught me That I have the ability to Love and be Compasionate and Mean it Genuinely and Showed me Some amazing things I had Mistaken. The Ones I haven't Met yet well You have Amazing ways of being in the right place at the right time with a word or a thought that I happen to stumble across. So I am Blessed By All here even YOU!

Thank You and I Look Forward to the Next 100 years of this Journey. Maybe Just maybe they will be as Spectacular as the rest was. Becuase....With out the past I would Not be who I am Now and I Like ME.

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! The Rest of My Life IS.
 
Wow Ken, that was inspiring to read! Thanks for sharing that with the rest of us. :)

This quote below is what hit home for me:

I have Let Go Of Trying to Make People Like me, Some Will and Some Won't Just becuase Thats That.
Click to expand...
This is state of being I strive to achieve. I've got this "phobia", if you will, of people not liking me. It's like they can see, or sense, I'm damaged in some way and I always feel they no longer like me because of the way I am. Which is probably why I spend so much time and energy struggling to make others happy around me. Once therapy starts, this will be an issue I'll address.

Thanks bud.
MR
 
Thank you, Ken. That is exactly what I needed to see this morning.
 
Ken, I know what you are feeling, when your boundaries are breached, every time you drop them you get hurt.

Nobody here thinks you are bad or malicious.

I like people to like and accept me, just how I am and then they try their best to upset me, what gives.

Dont drive yourself around the bend, have another look at YOU.

take care,

ste
 
Ste, I Love You Dearly. Please read the Post again. This is a Good Thing I Promise. But thank You So Much for your Concern. You are an awesome Guy that Has Made My World Brighter, Many Times.

Thank You All for your responses. This is What Has Brought me to this Point in My Life. The Love and Beauty that I Feel Here and Now Inside of Me. Thank you for Helping to Stoke My Fires untill I could Generate enough Warmth to sustain Myself.

I CAN NOW

But I Never grow weirry of Extra Lovin. Thanks.
 
Ken, I really hope it stays so good in your life, and yes, life is not so bad if we get rid of some of the hurt and replace it with kind thought, and dialogue.

Thanks for the compliment,

ste
 
Ken, that was great!

I just LOVE the [maybe hard for some] truth of your last statement:

==============================================
IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! The Rest of My Life IS.
==============================================

That is so great!! We don't have to be victims anymore.

Bruce
 
Thnx Bruce!

Having epiphanys don't mean there is no more work or that everything is solved or answered. For me it Just means I Have a New attitude.
 
Ken, I like your statement, I will come back to read it some more. I think you put a lot into it.
 
Thanks Cowboy
 
Kaceechase,

I am glad for your epiphany and your positive outlook. It can carry us many times when all else fails.

I think the more I 'heal', the less I really care of what others think of me. I don't mean that in a rude or arrogant way. I just know that the best I can be is honest with what I say and how I feel. If there are people who can not handle that or do not appreciate that, it is not my desire or need to bend backwards to make them like me.

Take good care,

Leosha
 
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