Big Me, Little Me Journals Hey Ivanhoe! I searched back to May to find this for you!

[Curtis St. John]

I was going to post this in the 'do you journal thread' but it sort of turned into its own post with all the explanation. So here it is on its own, I thought someone else may find the idea helpful to them.

I have just gotten into journaling this week. At the retreat this past weekend, we wrote a letter to ourselves, I chose to write from the 'little me' to the 'big me'. We were told to use our non-dominant hand if the letter were to come from our younger self. This really clicked something inside me, and I made a connection that I hadn't had in years. Not only did I write a letter to myself, I also wrote one to my therapist who was trying to get me to write from the child's perspective for a long time now. She was absolutely thrilled when I gave it to her.

The interesting thing is that the handwriting of my little self looked a bit younger than the age of the SA because I simply cannot write with my left hand. I took advantage of this to visualize that this was the little me just before the SA and that he sat and waited patiently for me to come back and get him. He was safe, intact, and very glad to see me again. I know it sounds a little weird but it worked. I visualized that I had built a bridge over the bad time to get back to him untouched, and now we have all the time in the world to get to know each other again. Now that I have found the little me, I am becoming the person I was meant to be. I think the little me was the one who liked to dance, because I always hated to dance until now, Monday was the first time I was ever comfortable enough in my body to even dance with my wife.

So yesterday, I went out and bought a third grade composition notebook, the kind with solid and dotted lines that make it easy for kids to write in. Along with that, I bought a regular journal that only has half a page set aside for each day and that allows me to keep the entries simple, and keeps me from procrastinating because I know I only need to jot down a few thoughts. I wrote a letter from the little me in the kid's book with my left hand and I wrote a quick reply in the regular journal with my right. The little me is able to just let go with all the thoughts and that allows me to give myself some good affirmations about the work I am doing, the little guy thinks I'm cool for working and fighting so hard and coming bak to get him.

Hey Big Scot, does Little Scot want a play date? Little Curt hasn't hung out with anyone for a long, long time!

I cannot say enough about how much the Paris retreat helped me put things together, if you ever get the chance, do whatever it takes to get to a weekend.

 

[outis]

Curtis,

I have one of those primer notebooks, too. And a big fat pencil. It took a while to track down the pencil sharpener that could fit that pencil. (I knew we had one at the house, so I didn't buy one with the pencil. Saved less than a buck and wasted more than an hour!)

Maybe I'll try writing the letter. After all, the paper and lead are paid for!

Thanks,

Joe

 

Curtis,

Sounds like you're on to something. I have written Mikey a couple of letters, but not given him a chance to write.

Changed my mind last night because he likes crayons (which I bought last week. 96 Colors ) and I also bought a sketch pad. He wrote a few words and then drew some pictures. Though I/we were using my dominant (left) hand, the printing he uses is exactly what I remember of my own, before I learned good penmanship.

I say go for it. It can be fun.

Marc

 

[Thomas]

Roland,

Yeah, my little Tommy loves to draw pictures. They're not ART, but who cares? We have fun. He and I have some fascinating conversations. There I sit with a pen or pencil in either hand scribbbling away. And healing. That's good.

Tom

 

[Muldoon]

It so funny that I almost had to go through the same experence somewhat last week. Father Dan called me on Wed to see if I was willing to speek at the mass as a survivor and tell my story. I tried for days to put it all together but I just didn't like how it sounded,

When I changed everything over to telling it from little TOm"s perpevtive it sounded perfect. It keep the focus on the 11yo boy and not the 54yo man telling the story. Tom

 

[crisispoint]

Curt, et. al.,

You know, I used to think this was crazy, and maybe it is, but it isn't insane because we all carry our childhood with us, either as memory or, as in our case, as fact.

Literally a part of me was stopped from growing because of the abuse. He's still there because he was scared and it's the part of me that was licked on anyway. He hid and took all the memories with him because he felt he was unworthy of love, ugly, fat, stupid, dirty, etc. Little Scot also felt like he HAD to be grown up because he was smart and he was pushed into "mentoring" other kids by teachers, and this made him even more of a target.

Little Scot, then, is an extreme mirror of my low self-esteem. ANd he's a little boy who absorbed more hurt in a few months than anyone should have to in a lifetime.

I give him a voice in real life and in writing. He "talks" here because he feels safe. When he "spoke" to my therapist, he had a child's voice and a child's (albeit a SMART child's ) vocabulary. I don't trot him out too often, even here, because it IS unusual, but someday I hope that he'll rejoin the rest of me.

So maybe he needs to "speak" more.

Curt, Little Scot would love to have a "playdate" with Little Curt, or anyone who has an other that likes to speak. Just another tool in healing. And they NEED to be kids again.

So, when?

Peace and love,

Scot

P.S. Curt, this is Little Scot. I'm glad you're hearing from Little Curt. I'll bet he likes hearing from you, too. I'd love to talk to him, so tell Scot when and I'll be there, okay? Thank you, and Little Curt, too! Love, Little Scot

 

[Curtis St. John]

FOUND IT!

I was looking for this post for Ivanhoe to bring back to the top of the board. I think it would have been easier to re-write the whole thing.

I grew out of this technique in a natural progression over the course of about two weeks. It worked great and did the job.

Its fun to look back and see how far things progressed.

Take care!