big, huge, nasty, vile, mean rant
big, huge, nasty, vile, mean rant
- Thread starterselene
- Start date
Brokenhearted
Registrant
Sounds like he desperately WISHES it was not true and he's wanting to deny. Feel free to rant - we all do sometimes - but keep in mind things change daily for some of us....so next week it might be a diff. story. My counselor helps me keep my feet on the ground through all the hard times....and has also suggested antidepressants can help one to think through stuff rather than *freaking out*.
TheNewMason
Registrant
what do YOU want? you are talking about fixing your hubby but he might not be the problem. you need to figure out what you want in life and not rely on him for that.
Brokenhearted
Registrant
Selene, I'll just tell you what I'm doing in my own situation. At PRESENT - and it seems to be going ok for the time being - I have told him he cannot have me and our daughter AND "use people for sex, it doesn't work that way." He knows I won't stand for that. I have told him "That's not you," about the cheating, since he said "That's just who I am." When he says, "You deserve way better," I say, "Let's let me decide that."
He has told me he's "not ready" to deal w/ his "past," but that he will, on his "own timetable." He said he's sorry for what he's put me through (and still putting me through-the waiting, the no "I love you"), but he said he can't give me "more" right now because he doesn't have anything TO give me right now. I told him, "I understand. You have as long as you need," but also that "I can't do this (wait) forever" and that "You can't do it on your own, it isn't going to just go away, it's going to get worse," and that "I'm your friend, I'm here if you need me, I love you, there's no pressure for intimacy for a very long time until we're ready for that," and that "I'd rather have one good year w/ you than 10 mediocre years with someone else." B/c I am not presently pushing, it has allowed things to settle a bit and we are breathing again, which is a nice relief for both of us.
So, two things: 1) He knows I still love him and I'm not going anywhere and 2) but that I can't "do this" forever, because it wears on a person and is just plain hard. I miss him terribly and want my husband "back" saying "I love you" again and snuggling and living as husband and wife rather than roommates.
I don't yet know "all the particulars" about his cheating (acting out) and feel I don't need or necessarily ever want to. It's ugly, not him, it's compulsive, not of his heart. I WOULD like to know his whole story, however, of the abuse. I don't know if he'll ever tell me that either, and that's ok as well if that's the way it has to be.
I feel ok now because I have made up my own mind, to stay with him. Or at least sure am going to try to continue doing just that. I've weighed it all and believe in a happy ending even though it's probably a few yrs away. I've been in your shoes in a way b/c I have gone back and forth about whether to stay and in the early weeks I was thinking there was no way I "could" stay, I just HAD to leave....etc. It didn't even matter that I'd be a single mom w/ no money and no job, I just felt desperate that I had to get away from him. I got a counselor and in a few more weeks' time I feel comfortable now and actually able to enjoy my days again. B/C I know that everything is ok with "us" , it's just "his" problem, etc. But also I have great hope b/c he HAS said he WILL deal w/ it, just don't know when yet.
My counselor did say that I cannot go on like this forever, though, and she thinks I may end up pushing a little. But not yet. My big thing is I don't want to wait till he hits "rock bottom" wahtever that is, before he seeks help. What does that mean? I don't want to risk our financial security or health in waiting on him to hit rock-bottom. I have told him "Don't wait till we lose everything to get help" and he seemed genuinely to not understand what I meant.
I know I love him. I can now separate this junk out from him. It is not him. It is ugly. It is heartbreaking for me. But I believe in his better qualities.
Once you make your decision you will find peace. Whatever that decision is. But again, remember, do NOT make any final or big decision under great stress. That is not the time to decide. You are still in freak-out-crisis mode and I remember that mode well. It is horrible. You awake every morning to realize the nightmare is real. You have panic attacks (at least I did). You can't believe this is happening and don't know what's real. You get that "floating " feeling. Horrible.
I'm here to tell you at least for me it does get better. Today I made cookies and enjoyed the snow, hugged my husband goodbye before he left for work. He snuggled our daughter and kissed my hand. There is some tenderness between us at least, and I know we love each other, and he is learning what real love is, from me.
It's tough. I guess this is "tough love." No one will fault you for what you decide to do. It is HARD being married to a survivor for sure. It is unfair. It is not what we signed up for. But if I traded him for someone else, I would not have my daughter, I would not have HIM, I would not have our memories, our future.
I guess I am just very hopeful. After the crisis mode it is better, I promise.
He has told me he's "not ready" to deal w/ his "past," but that he will, on his "own timetable." He said he's sorry for what he's put me through (and still putting me through-the waiting, the no "I love you"), but he said he can't give me "more" right now because he doesn't have anything TO give me right now. I told him, "I understand. You have as long as you need," but also that "I can't do this (wait) forever" and that "You can't do it on your own, it isn't going to just go away, it's going to get worse," and that "I'm your friend, I'm here if you need me, I love you, there's no pressure for intimacy for a very long time until we're ready for that," and that "I'd rather have one good year w/ you than 10 mediocre years with someone else." B/c I am not presently pushing, it has allowed things to settle a bit and we are breathing again, which is a nice relief for both of us.
So, two things: 1) He knows I still love him and I'm not going anywhere and 2) but that I can't "do this" forever, because it wears on a person and is just plain hard. I miss him terribly and want my husband "back" saying "I love you" again and snuggling and living as husband and wife rather than roommates.
I don't yet know "all the particulars" about his cheating (acting out) and feel I don't need or necessarily ever want to. It's ugly, not him, it's compulsive, not of his heart. I WOULD like to know his whole story, however, of the abuse. I don't know if he'll ever tell me that either, and that's ok as well if that's the way it has to be.
I feel ok now because I have made up my own mind, to stay with him. Or at least sure am going to try to continue doing just that. I've weighed it all and believe in a happy ending even though it's probably a few yrs away. I've been in your shoes in a way b/c I have gone back and forth about whether to stay and in the early weeks I was thinking there was no way I "could" stay, I just HAD to leave....etc. It didn't even matter that I'd be a single mom w/ no money and no job, I just felt desperate that I had to get away from him. I got a counselor and in a few more weeks' time I feel comfortable now and actually able to enjoy my days again. B/C I know that everything is ok with "us" , it's just "his" problem, etc. But also I have great hope b/c he HAS said he WILL deal w/ it, just don't know when yet.
My counselor did say that I cannot go on like this forever, though, and she thinks I may end up pushing a little. But not yet. My big thing is I don't want to wait till he hits "rock bottom" wahtever that is, before he seeks help. What does that mean? I don't want to risk our financial security or health in waiting on him to hit rock-bottom. I have told him "Don't wait till we lose everything to get help" and he seemed genuinely to not understand what I meant.
I know I love him. I can now separate this junk out from him. It is not him. It is ugly. It is heartbreaking for me. But I believe in his better qualities.
Once you make your decision you will find peace. Whatever that decision is. But again, remember, do NOT make any final or big decision under great stress. That is not the time to decide. You are still in freak-out-crisis mode and I remember that mode well. It is horrible. You awake every morning to realize the nightmare is real. You have panic attacks (at least I did). You can't believe this is happening and don't know what's real. You get that "floating " feeling. Horrible.
I'm here to tell you at least for me it does get better. Today I made cookies and enjoyed the snow, hugged my husband goodbye before he left for work. He snuggled our daughter and kissed my hand. There is some tenderness between us at least, and I know we love each other, and he is learning what real love is, from me.
It's tough. I guess this is "tough love." No one will fault you for what you decide to do. It is HARD being married to a survivor for sure. It is unfair. It is not what we signed up for. But if I traded him for someone else, I would not have my daughter, I would not have HIM, I would not have our memories, our future.
I guess I am just very hopeful. After the crisis mode it is better, I promise.
Brokenhearted
Registrant
P.S. I just thought I'd throw this in - early on, my therapist did say that I can push "some" but that if I push "too hard," he will shut me out again, maybe forever. So I took her advice to heart b/c I did not want to force too hard and lose any chance of it ever getting better. I think you have to offer some respect for our men's privacy or unreadiness to talk, and they will respond in a better way. Maybe just move slowly, try to just get him to agree that yes, he will "talk to someone" (counselor) eventually. Just get a yes to that, then back off and try not to push for a few more weeks.
Selene
It's sad that you have to break up, there must have been a time when he meant everything to you.
But, if he's been acting out for that long then you're right to ask for serious answers and commitments. If they're not on offer, what choices are you left with?
BrokenHearted is in a different position, as indeed is my wife, they have the commitment from us - it's a two way thing.
You can't heal for him, and neither can you control him. My wife can't control me either. If I wanted to go and act out now I could, within 30 minutes I could more or less guarantee some action. But I don't, and neither will I.
She knows that, and doesn't check up on me or anything. It's 'trust', something we've worked hard to establish between us.
Sadly, I think it's something that might have been lost to a degree where reclaiming it might not be an option between you and your husband, it probably died a long time ago, and neither of you realised it.
If there's nothing to build on, is there anything to save?
I'll fight all day for guys who act out, I have my own experience and now I have some training and experience with other survivors to add to that.
I know that some abused guys are gay and married, it's the macho thing adding to their confusion years ago when they knew no different. They got married because it was expected of them.
But equally, there are abused guys who act out while married who are in no way gay.
Their behaviour is deeply complex and requires extensive support and therapy to deal with, and a determination from the guy as well - that's essential.
The acting out can then be seen for what it is, a dysfunctional coping mechanism. The sex involved is barely worth bothering about, it's about behaviours.
Sadly, I am agreeing with you that his long period of acting out isn't looking good from a point of view of changing his behaviour, possibly he's gay, possibly it's too entrenched to easily deal with?
Either way, and for whatever reasons, the commitment doesn't seem to be there either.
You've tried, take solace in that.
Dave
It's sad that you have to break up, there must have been a time when he meant everything to you.
But, if he's been acting out for that long then you're right to ask for serious answers and commitments. If they're not on offer, what choices are you left with?
BrokenHearted is in a different position, as indeed is my wife, they have the commitment from us - it's a two way thing.
You can't heal for him, and neither can you control him. My wife can't control me either. If I wanted to go and act out now I could, within 30 minutes I could more or less guarantee some action. But I don't, and neither will I.
She knows that, and doesn't check up on me or anything. It's 'trust', something we've worked hard to establish between us.
Sadly, I think it's something that might have been lost to a degree where reclaiming it might not be an option between you and your husband, it probably died a long time ago, and neither of you realised it.
If there's nothing to build on, is there anything to save?
I'll fight all day for guys who act out, I have my own experience and now I have some training and experience with other survivors to add to that.
I know that some abused guys are gay and married, it's the macho thing adding to their confusion years ago when they knew no different. They got married because it was expected of them.
But equally, there are abused guys who act out while married who are in no way gay.
Their behaviour is deeply complex and requires extensive support and therapy to deal with, and a determination from the guy as well - that's essential.
The acting out can then be seen for what it is, a dysfunctional coping mechanism. The sex involved is barely worth bothering about, it's about behaviours.
Sadly, I am agreeing with you that his long period of acting out isn't looking good from a point of view of changing his behaviour, possibly he's gay, possibly it's too entrenched to easily deal with?
Either way, and for whatever reasons, the commitment doesn't seem to be there either.
You've tried, take solace in that.
Dave