Big Breakthrough News - followed by a question

Big Breakthrough News - followed by a question
T

Trish4850

This weekend my b/f voiced, for the first time, that he was upset that his wiring was caused by someone else. He has finally admitted that the abuse he suffered from such a young age has caused problems for him that were NOT his doing. He said this in the middle of a conversation that originally had nothing whatsoever to do with the abuse. I smiled and tears filled by eyes and when he asked why I told him I was so proud of him for saying that. He then told me to stop that there was nothing to be proud of. I know him, and if I pushed it, hed clam up, so I just gave him a huge hug and told him I loved him. I did ask if his T knew of this breakthrough and he said no. I suggested he should tell her this Wednesday and laid a bet that shed be as happy as I. End of conversation. This was a gigantic, huge, monumental breakthrough and one that I hope will only be the first of many.

Now for the question:

Is it uncommon for survivors to distrust other adults around children? I suppose it makes sense that this would occur, but it throws me a little bit and I really dont know how to calm my b/fs fears over this. We went to a neighbors house this weekend for a BBQ, a few cocktails and swim. It was really nice. It was also a first for my b/f. Hes lived in his house for 10+ years but never got to know any of the neighbors until he and I got together. To use his phrase, hes not exactly a social butterfly. Anyway, weve become friends with this couple and the husband has invited us over several times. On Sunday, we finally took him up on it.

These friends have an almost 3 year old daughter who is just the cutest thing; shes Little Orphan Annie with blonde hair, honest. Another couple we knew were there with their 2 year old daughter. Then, another couple arrived with their 2 kids, aged 2 and 6 months. Everyone was having a good time and we were all playing with the kids, included by b/f.

Each of the people at the house was very attentive to the kids. Everything was above board, perfectly normal and exactly what Im used to seeing. My b/f however, is used to anything but. He is terribly uncomfortable with parents handling their kids, lifting them into the pool, holding them under the butt when lifting or putting them down. He watches intently for anything that could be construed as a sign of abuse and even if its not there, like on Sunday, hes distraught because he just doesnt understand a loving parental relationship because he never had it.

This makes me so sad, mostly because of the sense of loss that he feels so acutely. So, I was wondering, is this just one of the myriad of things a survivor has to live with a daily basis?

ROCK ON...............Trish
 
Trish,

I think this is common among survivors and probably more so among male survivors who are already afraid of being labeled "likely to offend." They spend so much energy self-monitoring and being concerned about what others think of their interactions with kids, and it's hard not to project that.

Also there is a feeling that the innocence that kids have is "too good to be true" or too fragile to last-- it is not so much a distrust of other specific adults as a fear that the child's happiness will be destroyed.

I know just what you mean about everyone at a gathering paying attention to the kids-- I'm on the older side of a large bunch of cousins and in my extended family, it was always assumed that the nearest grownup around took care of whatever minor thing a kid needed-- and mostly all the grownups around had grown up in similar fashion, around younger kids and extended family, and had a good general idea of how to help the kids. This isn't everyone's experience though. Some adults don't have a lot of background and just aren't sure of what's normal or appropriate.
 
Trish, SAR hit the nail on the head, for years, I kept so far away from kids.
I knew I could never hurt one, and I cannot express how hard those times have been.

Even as a boy, it meant not having the right friends because some real friendly boy who really "loved" being around me, lost out because of my fears.

Its also strange for me to see the innocence of kids, but I do enjoy watching them play in abandon.

Of course we fear of kids being hurt by their own parents, I have seen it on many occasions, and had to restrain myself from interfering.

The crossing point is, that I totally trust kids, but not adults so much.

Your bf has taken a big step in being with kids and enjoying their play.
He needs to be counselled on the part where he thinks the parents are 'too much' for their kids.

Something you may not have thought about, is that he may see that care as 'false behaviour'.
In other words, he may think they are doing it because others are watching over them.

He has made a big step in taking kids into his world, and if you look through these threads, you will find that it is indeed hard for us to accept that in some guys.

I constantly look for interaction between adults and kids, it is an inner protective reaction, and he has that too,

ste
 
Trish,

The short answer to your question is yes. I went through a period about a year ago where I was nearly in the hyper-protective mode over teen boys. I wanted to rush up to all of them I saw and find out if they were OK, if there was anything bad happening in their lives. In fact that was the subject of my first post on the site. I was so afraid that I had turned into a pervert because of this sense of vigilance I'd acquired.

It was at least partially due to the responses I got to that post that I gained some perspective on the issue and was able to begin letting it go.

I'd say that what you are seeing in your bf is a good sign that recovery is definitely in the works. I think he needs to be able to verbalize this vigilance to his T at some point, but it will have to happen when he is ready to deal with it.

I wish you guys the best.

Lots of love,

John
 
i think most survivors have a sort of perp radar they can sense a predator ,just like the predator can sense a weak victim for me that radar is always up and running .it can be a problem but i have to say if he ever says things like i'm sure that person is not right, i would believe it. shadow
 
SAR, Ste & John,

Thanks for your answers. I didn't find it terribly unusual given my b/f's history, I just needed to know that I was thinking the right way. He's been around kids more and more in the last year or so but it's always with people he knows very well. He's still uncomfortable because it's foreign to him, but he likes it. The folks we saw this weekend are not as well known to him so I suppose that's why the radar was up even higher.

Adam, I would believe him in a heartbeat if he told me he sensed or saw anything to be concerned about because I believe he is more tuned in to that than I am, but that's not the situation we were in.

I'm hopeful that time and exposure to the good things involving families and kids especially, will make it easier for him to relax and just enjoy.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Trish, it can be cathartic for him to be around kids playing.
I know it is with me, and when they tell me stuff, or ask a question, it is marvellous to share their beautiful world.

This morning a little boy and girl of 3 or 4yo, came up to me in a queue, the little boy was shouting doggy, doggy, and he thrust this little dog bear towards me to pet, and it reminded me of the dog bear I used to have.

Just a little magic for the day,
your bf is acting much the same way, and he is letting himself react with kids, which is good also,

ste
 
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