big bear's story

Status
Not open for further replies.
big bear's story

One of the wives of one of the guys here asked me why I cheated on my wife if I loved her. I wrote her a long answer. It helped me alot to write it all out and I want to share it with everyone. it might help some of the other guys or their wives.

My abuser was this guy Wayne. He was friend with my parents. He would come over and take me places when I was a kid, like fishing or looking for arrowheads, or to a ball game, or swimming at a pond, things boys like to do. It was like he was a big brother or uncle to me. We lived in the country, so someone had to drive me places. He started abusing me when I was 13-14 years old. I know it stopped when I was 14, that was when my brother came home from college. I don;t want to talk about the abuse itself.

When I remembered the abuse I didn;t tell Kimmie my wife about it but I expected her to know. Like I told this lady before I wanted Kimmie to hurt too when she didn;t know what was wtrong with me. Also I thought that I was entitled to do it. My shrink said that when boys are abused when their teenages it screws them up sexually. I was abused when I was 13-14 years old. I didn;t have sex with a woman til I was 20. Cheating on Kimmie was like making up for lost time and i was acting like a teenager, like I was 18 years old. Like I said that age was stolen from me because of Wayne so it was like I wanted to be a teenager again and do things like that like I was allowed to do them cause someone hurt me so bad.

My shrink was asking me about my feelings for Kimmie, did I still think of her sexually or did I think of her more of a mother. I been thinking about that alot and I think that I was thinking of her more as a mother although I still found her attractive. My shrink thouth that was because I wanted her to take care of me cause noone took care of me before. No one saw what waas coming, my parents let Wayne take me all those places and then when the abuse started they couldn;t see it. Nobody looked out for me, nobody took care of me, and it was like I wanted Kimmie to take care of me now cause nobody did before.

Also I don;t think I deserved to be happy. I love Kimmie and the kids. I told this lady that Kimmie is a nurse in a doctors office, she can sign perscriptions and order tests. She would come home and tell stories about what she did. I was so proud of her and the kids too. We had a nice house in the country, two great kids, we could afford to take the kids on vacation every year, not anywhere fancy but we would go camping or to Cape Cod or somewhere. It was liek I didn;t think i deserved it any more and I had to screw it up like on purpose. When Kimmie found out I was cheating on her I kept on doing it because I didn;t deserve to be happy because of that too.

Also I think that I thought I could change my story. This sounds real stupid. It was like I thought if I change my whole life the way it is today then I get to change all of my life. It;s like I was writing a book and decided I didn;t like this character so I changed him but then had to go back and change him from page 1. But real life doesn;t work that way. I screwed up my life and I still had the same story following me around. This is hard to explain and it sounds stupid now but that's what I was thinking. I guess I thought I could run Away from my past and the abuse.

Also I wanted to prove I was a man. I wanted to show off to Wayne even though I don;t see him. The women i slept with were nothing like Kimmie. Kimmie has long reddish hair and a few freckles and is a real nature girl, she doesn;t wear makeup except for some lipstick maybe. The womenI slept with wore lots of makeup and hair dye color and wore short shorts or short skirts. I told this lady that I woulnd;t want my daughter hanging out with girls like this. It was like having girls like this or having lots of women would make me a man so I could show Wayne that I was a man anyway.

Finally there was the way I treated them. Some were one night stands but some I saw for months. They call me up and ask me to come over, or I call them and ask to come over. so I;d go over and we have a few drinks and then have sex and then that;s it.. I told this lady about it and was ashamed that I was telling a woman. I was talkint to my shrink about this one day and then he starts asking me questions about Wayne. After Wayne started abusing me he stopped taking me fishing or swimming or to ballgames. After the abuse started he didn;t take me to those places anymore or buy me things. He was just coming over to do things to me. It hit me like a thunderbolt when I realized that how I was treating those women was as bad as how Wayne treated me.I stopped seeing those women after that cause I saw that I was turning into Wayne.

That;s why I put up that post a few weeks ago. I don;t want to be that kind of person. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. Cheating on Kimmie, getting thrown out of the house, sleeping around, I;m not proud of any of that, and I don;t like the way I treated anybody, not Kimmie or the kids or even the other women even though I;ll never see those women again.

I hope this story helps other guys and some of their wives too. I know I read old posts and see things that I did even if I didn;t see it before, and I keep finding more and more things that led me to cheat on Kimmie even though I know in the end that it was my own fault. I hope this helps someone. God bless.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top